I am cheating on my dead husband

[Naomiwilliam]

I lost my husband September 2021 to cancer. It was a very devastating moment for me, he was just 38 and i was 30, we have two beautiful kids together (both girls) and we were so in love so it was very hard moving on..I have honestly become a shadow of myself it has gotten worse that i hardly have time for the kids, I always drop them off at grandma's...I recently found someone after years of depression…I love this man but it feels like I am cheating on my dead husband I still love him so much..I just came here to vent out my emotions please I need y'all to advice me on how I can get over my husband because this new guy is great and I don't want to loose him please if y'all want to advise

[KayC]

It's not cheating if he's dead.  

It's okay to mourn while seeing someone, just make sure they understand.  
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

On 8/22/2024 at 11:34 AM, Naomiwilliam said:

I lost my husband September 2021 to cancer. It was a very devastating moment for me, he was just 38 and i was 30, we have two beautiful kids together (both girls) and we were so in love so it was very hard moving on..I have honestly become a shadow of myself it has gotten worse that i hardly have time for the kids, I always drop them off at grandma's...I recently found someone after years of depression…I love this man but it feels like I am cheating on my dead husband I still love him so much..I just came here to vent out my emotions please I need y'all to advice me on how I can get over my husband because this new guy is great and I don't want to loose him please if y'all want to advise PS Cybrspace . co I don't get notifications when there are comments

@Naomiwilliam I can so relate to your conflicting feelings. I have had a couple of dates but nothing came of it. I got asked out again but didn’t go because I too feel like I’m cheating.

My issue is I always wind up comparing the date to my late husband. I have not accepted any more dates until I can give someone else a fair chance.

i agree with @KayC that it’s definitely not cheating. And also that if your special new man is the right guy, he will try to understand and help you through your conflicting feelings and understand how you will always love your late husband.

[Bou]

On 8/25/2024 at 3:09 PM, BohoKat said:

@Naomiwilliam I can so relate to your conflicting feelings. I have had a couple of dates but nothing came of it. I got asked out again but didn’t go because I too feel like I’m cheating.

My issue is I always wind up comparing the date to my late husband. I have not accepted any more dates until I can give someone else a fair chance.

i agree with @KayC that it’s definitely not cheating. And also that if your special new man is the right guy, he will try to understand and help you through your conflicting feelings and understand how you will always love your late husband.

How lucky you are to have second chance at love and to share life with someone.  Go for it.  Its not cheating.  

Comparing my husband to someone else is something I think I would do as well.  How could I not.   He was awesome.  I was lucky, spoiled, loved.  We had a great life together.  How could I not want for that or even better?   

When My brain was fogged and I tried online dating.  I think I pushed someone away because I talked about my husband wayyyyyy to much.  It was fresh to me, my mind was fogged and I wanted to make it clear what this guy was up against.  I made it clear all right.   Ghosted me.  After weeks of messaging back and fourth he just stopped talking to me.  Now I am like if it happens it happens and I am going to work on me.  It would be nice.  Loneliness is miserable.  My expectations are not unrealistic but I am not willing to settle for anything less then I want either.  

Life is short you have a chance with someone else run with it go for it.  You will always love your late husband, but I think and I say this often our late loved ones would want us to live our lives to the fullest.  They would want us happy.  

Hope this helps

[ShawnC]

Absolutely not!!!

Try and make it its own thing. Enjoy, be in the moment and let it grow as its own love, separate and unique. Everyone has a past . You have a chance for joy in the now and the future.

[RichS]

On 8/25/2024 at 3:09 PM, BohoKat said:

My issue is I always wind up comparing the date to my late husband.

Which is why I don't date in the first place. Why waste the other person's time when I'm still "looking in the rear view mirror?" Still wearing my wedding ring as well............