new to this all…..

[justmissjerry]

Hi everyone, 

My boyfriend was involved in a military accident on a Saturday and was showing no brain activity, per law they had to wait 24 hours and do a certain amount of testing before pronouncing him brain dead on Sunday with a time of death at 1:15pm. He stayed in the hospital on a ventilator for 5 days total while preparing for organ donation surgery. I slept in a chair next to him in the ICU each night and refused to leave the room for longer than a few minutes, the nurses allowed me to help care for him in so many ways, including giving him his baths twice a day, suctioning blood out of his airway, cleaning and re-dressing wounds, and more. We got to do an honor walk bringing him to the OR and had almost 120 attendees to watch us take him down. Then it was about two weeks until we were able to fly him cross country for funeral services. I just got back yesterday from these services and am having a very hard time. When he got to the hospital he was in horrible shape and unrecognizable, over the 5 days he was there his swelling went down a lot and he looked like himself again - and I don’t know which is worse being unrecognizable or looking like the sweet man that I love. The coroner held his body for a while before releasing - and before embalming, this caused a lot more decay then usual and at the wake prior to the funeral was the first time I had seen his body since the OR doors closed for the organ donation… He looked nothing like himself, his facial features were different, his hair wasn’t done the way he usually does it, and he had so much makeup on to correct his skin tone. I feel as if the funeral gave me no closure since it feels like that wasn’t even him in there. On top of all of that being so traumatic I have found myself very sad and lonely knowing that he is in his final resting place on the other side of the country, getting on the plane to come back here knowing that he was going to be so far absolutely gutted me. I have had a lot of support through both mine and his family and friends, however I am still feeling so lonely. Everyone else has their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives to lean on and grieve with, but my person is gone and I dont want help or anything from anyone else but him. We had both been in pretty bad relationships in the past and took some time off before finding one another, when we met it felt like every single thing clicked into place in our lives, we were such a good match for one another, so loving caring and happy. I have never experienced that type of pure unconditional love before.

 

The morning of the accident we exchanged our good morning messages, and in his last message he finished it off with how excited he was for work to be over and that he will call me as soon as its done. I was at work myself, and at about 9:30 that morning just felt such a sad wave over myself and was missing him, I messaged him to let him know that i missed him so much more than usual and that I love him. at about 10:45am I got the call that I needed to get  to the hospital and he had just been brought in by helicopter. I sat in the ER waiting room for nearly two hours being told he was in “a procedure” and that someone would be out with more details at some point. Eventually a security guard came to find me and let me know he was being moved to the ICU and to head over there. I got there and he was not “set up in a room yet” and they told me to hang tight in the waiting room, I opted to wait in the hallway and by this point both of my bestfriends were there with me. After about 10 minutes in the hallway hospital staff wheeled him right by me on their way to the ICU. I just remember gasping seeing him and telling my friends that that was him going by. He looked so much worse than I was prepared for and i could see he had a breathing tube and was not awake. Fast forward about another 25 minutes the nurse finally came in and brought me back to the room where I got an explanation of what little information they had. I couldn’t believe that it really was him in there, he was so swollen his head was probably near double the size, his arms and hands were so swollen it seemed like they were going to burst open. The nurse told me that based off of the testing thus far he had no brain activity, his heart had already stopped twice and they were encouraging a DNR, and that his injuries are not survivable and death is imminent. I dont even know why but the word imminent is just burned into my brain, I heard that word again for the first time since the accident the other day and just broke down - even though it was a completely different context. Over the next few days he was physically improving, wounds were scabbing, swelling was dwindling, his face looked like him again, his hands looked and felt like they did prior to the accident. Physically he seemed to be improving, and if not for the brain injury he looked as if he could have walked out of the hospital and been completely fine. Logistically I know that he would not have been able to do this since he had a broken neck as well as spinal fractures, and likely would have been paralyzed and severely injured with a long hard recovery if he was able to survive this, but the physical look of him improving is what gutted me. 

I miss him so much every day seems to be getting harder rather than easier. I don’t understand why he had to die. We had a whole life and future planned out together, he was my best friend, my gossip buddy, my confidant, the person I ran to whenever i had a bad day, the first person I want to tell news to good or bad. I feel so lonely, lost and robbed of the life i was supposed to lead - the life with him by my side forever. I feel mad for him that this accident happened, and he is now also robbed of the entire rest of his life too.

 

Death has always felt very fake to me, like what do you mean everything just stops and it’s all over?  I wonder if he was there in that hospital room with me, hearing and watching everything or not. I wonder if he is here with me now and what ways he will show himself if he is. The first few days after his passing I would tell myself that everything was him, the way the wind blew was him, the light turning to green from red as i approached was him. Now i dont know what to believe.

I am in the stage of withdrawing from everything, I dont want to be at work and cannot focus on my work when I am here, I dont have the energy to be responding to messages from my friends, I am not taking care of myself the way i should be hygiene wise, resting wise and not eating much as well.  It has almost been a full month, and the worst month of my life. 

 

I tried betterhelp online therapy, but  it didn’t feel like the right fit. I have looked up bereavement groups and spousal loss groups, however I am in my mid 20’s and it seems like a lot of people are older (understandably) and i just am not sure that I can relate and resonate with that. Maybe I just am shutting down help because I think I dont need or deserve it. 

 

All things considered, I am a mess. I am not sure if anyone will read this novel of a post, but if anyone does thank you for listening. 

[KayC]

How horrible!  I am so sorry, we all are.  I was what I considered young when my husband died, we didn't meet until our mid 40s and he was barely 51 when he died.

It's been 19 years Father's Day since he passed and now I'm growing old alone.  You blink and it's gone.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

2 hours ago, justmissjerry said:

I am in the stage of withdrawing from everything, I dont want to be at work and cannot focus on my work when I am here, I dont have the energy to be responding to messages from my friends, I am not taking care of myself the way i should be hygiene wise, resting wise and not eating much as well.  It has almost been a full month, and the worst month of my life. 

I am sorry for your loss. Have been known to write some novel-length posts myself sometimes. I found it therapeutic, I hope you did as well.

It is hard when the isolation hits. You know you need to take care of yourself but are just overwhelmed and exhausted. It has been 3 years since I lost my husband but I still go through this periodically.

It is hard to kickstart your body and brain. I try starting with a single simple task like making the bed for a week. It doesn’t matter if it takes until the afternoon to get it done if you get it done, it’s a win!  Then work up to answering correspondence and other more complex tasks. It also helps if you have a person you can make yourself accountable to and check in with a couple of times a week.

I wish you peace and strength in your struggles.

[DWS]

On 8/21/2024 at 6:16 PM, justmissjerry said:

I tried betterhelp online therapy, but  it didn’t feel like the right fit. I have looked up bereavement groups and spousal loss groups, however I am in my mid 20’s and it seems like a lot of people are older (understandably) and i just am not sure that I can relate and resonate with that. Maybe I just am shutting down help because I think I dont need or deserve it. 

My heart goes out to you on such a truly horrible, tragic and unfair event to happen to your young lives. With it being only a month, you are likely still dealing with all of this within a shock frame of mind...even though you may not think you are. You went through the usual course of things when a death occurs and looked for closure because that's what we've all learned is what happens next. You're trying your best to handle this intelligently...looking for therapy and bereavement groups...and those aren't resonating so, of course, you're shutting down.

Yours is what's referred to as sudden loss. My partner's passing was too. It's not something we can handle nor is it something that we should know how. It becomes an instant battle between our minds and our hearts. Everyone here on this forum knows that battle but for those of us who are abruptly hit with sudden loss, we end up all over the place. Your friends will want to help and then become frustrated in their attempts. I learned that there was no way to think my way out of this loss. Everything that was tried landed with a thud. Be patient with all of this and most of all, be patient and kind to yourself. You can lean on us here because we know the language of your grief.