"Different" not "better"

[DWS]

Megan Devine recently posted an important extract from her book "It's OK That You're Not OK" that examines what I think is one of the greatest challenges of grief....the struggle with the words "feeling better". People in my life started using that term after only a couple of months into the loss of my partner and it stung each time. It still does. It was their hope that I was "better" because they grew tired of a sad me but I knew then just as I know now that there is no "better" here. I will admit that I'm better than how I was in those first few months but how I feel overall is best described as different not better. It's a continual struggle to find the words to explain it and it's frustrating that I even have to.

Here's the clip. It's fascinating how this still brings out so much emotion in me.

 

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, DWS said:

Megan Devine recently posted an important extract from her book "It's OK That You're Not OK" that examines what I think is one of the greatest challenges of grief....the struggle with the words "feeling better". People in my life started using that term after only a couple of months into the loss of my partner and it stung each time. It still does. It was their hope that I was "better" because they grew tired of a sad me but I knew then just as I know now that there is no "better" here. I will admit that I'm better than how I was in those first few months but how I feel overall is best described as different not better. It's a continual struggle to find the words to explain it and it's frustrating that I even have to.

Here's the clip. It's fascinating how this still brings out so much emotion in me.

 

Listening still brings tears and in all honesty I'm not doing very well in the self parts. I know were she here she would push me but without her it just doesn't matter to me anymore. Depression? Maybe a little but it's not the controlling part. The constant emptiness is.

[KayC]

A very good book!  One of the most recommended!  Grief evolves.  I'd say it gets "better" when comparing to day one but never better as in like it was before.  I've learned not to compare to "life before."  Comparisons are a real joy killer.  Instead we just learn to live with it.

[DWS]

30 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

 The constant emptiness is.

Emptiness is the continual problem. I started a thread about emptiness in the first year that I was here. I think it's something that no one can really understand or comprehend until they have firsthand experience with it. We can't think our way out of emptiness. We can think of ways to combat emptiness and some may eventually work but true emptiness that occurs because of the loss of a loved one is something, I guess, we learn to carry. 

[KayC]

Here's a list of books my friend Marty compiled.
Books

[BohoKat]

On 8/20/2024 at 7:11 AM, DWS said:

Megan Devine recently posted an important extract from her book "It's OK That You're Not OK" that examines what I think is one of the greatest challenges of grief....the struggle with the words "feeling better". People in my life started using that term after only a couple of months into the loss of my partner and it stung each time. It still does. It was their hope that I was "better" because they grew tired of a sad me but I knew then just as I know now that there is no "better" here. I will admit that I'm better than how I was in those first few months but how I feel overall is best described as different not better. It's a continual struggle to find the words to explain it and it's frustrating that I even have to.

Here's the clip. It's fascinating how this still brings out so much emotion in me.

 

@DWS Thank you so much for the clip. I am a little over 3 years in grief after losing my husband to liver cancer. I have been disoriented lately and your statement about emptiness definitely fits.

i had been characterizing myself as having moments of feeling “better” but I quickly pass into feeling off balance. How could I feel better when I have lost my partner, friend and soulmate of 32 years? Where is he, when I need him so badly?

As was said in the clip, I now realize things are “different” rather than better. The emptiness I feel as his memory recedes is I suppose “different”; we are human and things fade with time but the love doesn’t have to go. Thank you again for helping me put my finger on my current stage of grief.

[WithoutHer]

Yes it's different. Using better and the infamous new normal doesn't work.  Tomorrow maybe I'll feel some improvement. But better or normal will never be.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

the infamous new normal doesn't work.

It's a clinical term, not something we agreed to.  I don't recall being asked nor agreeing to any part of this...

[ShawnC]

I had someone present a new thought.

Do I allow my sweet Suzy to be defined by her death and illness ( as traumatic and tragic as it was) or do I let the totality of her life (excellent mother, loving wife, passionate woman) guide me to whatever comes next .She would not want me to be miserable and lonely ; she would want me to be a present father and enjoy my granddaughter( even though they never met) and have joy in my life. Her absence has broken me but she would want me to carry on .

This is new thinking for me, but it feels like a choice ; an act of will or an act of faith ?????

When we divorce we become an ex-husband or ex-wife but we are always widows or widowers no matter what follows. Can I use the strength and happiness my life with Sue gave me ? Or am I forever stuck in this smoking crater that used to be my life?

I can feel a resistance inside me to this kind of thinking. I think I resist anything that feels like I am moving away from her( almost a betrayal of our love) but I think that may be an illusion of the truth; she is gone.

Sorry for the ramble but I have had this clunking  around my head and I needed to put it somewhere.

 

[KayC]

Your realization is a game changer revelation!  I think you're onto something.🥰

[DWS]

On 9/12/2024 at 8:20 AM, ShawnC said:

I can feel a resistance inside me to this kind of thinking. I think I resist anything that feels like I am moving away from her( almost a betrayal of our love) but I think that may be an illusion of the truth; she is gone.

What I hate about all of this now is that I am left with this awful type of dilemma. I want the life I had but it's gone and now with so much time gone by, it really does feel like a choice eventually has to be made: move forward from it or stay with it always. Months ago, I made up my mind that I would stay the course and let whatever will be will be...que sera sera. But the thing is life...the flow of life...has its way of continually creating tension, change and frustration which are things that become magnified for those of us with so much emptiness and void. Coming up with a satisfying balance of love lived and remembrance vs acceptance of the distractions from what once was seems to me to be what is best. I think that's sort of been the case lately for me despite me not wanting it to be this way. I not only miss Tom's presence but I miss his notable absence. I'm getting too used to him not being here! I know that that's where everyone else in my life wants me to be but I'm not content with it. I can't imagine that I ever will be. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

move forward from it or stay with it always.

It doesn't have to be either/or.  You can move forward in your life even while missing him and remembering him daily.  Believe me, I have noticed George is gone, I live life in each day, but always I remember him and miss him.

[ShawnC]

I find that the hardest and most cruel thing to endure ; Life goes on. Some days against my will. 

[DWS]

Yes, that "life goes on" thing hurts like a bugger. I still have a hard time dealing with those three words. 

[RichS]

"Different" not "better"------------Yeah, I still live in that territory these days............

[KayC]

The story of our lives since losing our spouse + aging.

[ShawnC]

But on it goes. 

I feel this struggle with guilt somehow, every move forward is a move away from her. I miss her so much. 

Do we have to give up on the idea of being happy and content again, has my own memory become an enemy of present joy? Can I learn to use my past experiences to build something good? Do I spend more time counting my losses than living in the now?

And life goes on. 

[RichS]

2 minutes ago, ShawnC said:

I feel this struggle with guilt somehow, every move forward is a move away from her. I miss her so much. 

A couple of days ago I was looking at Chris's picture (one of our wedding pictures) and I felt this sudden "irrational thought" that she was emotionally moving farther away from me; like watching a plane take off with her in it. How weird!! Luckily, it didn't last long. Who knows how the mind works!

[KayC]

1 hour ago, ShawnC said:

every move forward is a move away from her. I miss her so much

I don't feel that way, I feel moving forward is NOT leaving them behind but surviving.  Always I carry him with me.

[DWS]

On 9/27/2024 at 9:55 AM, ShawnC said:

Do we have to give up on the idea of being happy and content again, has my own memory become an enemy of present joy? 

That is such a fascinating statement. We live to make memories and then they seem to work against us in our times of great loss and sorrow! But....it wouldn't be great loss and there wouldn't be grief without the memories. What a paradox!

On 9/27/2024 at 9:55 AM, ShawnC said:

Can I learn to use my past experiences to build something good?

I think so. I feel I'm carrying something vital to my well-being and maybe to others as well. 

[ShawnC]

Perhaps this is what real wisdom is built on? Experience, suffering and ultimate survival . I keep thinking that there is some answers about the meaning of life in all this , but if there is I haven't found any comfort in them.