A letter to God

[Lulu_75]

Dear God,

I come to you seeking your forgiveness. Your love has been the most significant presence in my life, and I can confirm your existence because I have personally experienced your grace.

I have spoken to you, cried out to you, and always felt your response. You were my sanctuary, my protection, and I had unwavering belief in you until that fateful day. My faith was deeply shaken. I soon realized that trying to decipher your plan in advance is impossible.  

Three years ago, you reunited me with my daughter Angge. Despite all her pain and hardship, she was home, and I was thankful. I took that for granted and it never occurred to me that I would lose her. I couldn't comprehend why you would allow all that suffering, bring her home, only to take her away from me.

I can imagine you as a father, with both hands on your hips, tapping one foot on the floor, frowning at me, "I can't take away something that was never yours. If you know my heart, you must trust me and not lean on your own understanding"   I will never give you anything you cannot bear. My God, I cannot bear this. You say I can, but I feel like I cannot.

That morning when Hans opened the door, I felt you in my heart and pleaded with you to please give me more time. You did not, and just like that she was gone. Why?! She often asked me, if there is a God, why would he allow me to go through so much suffering? I said, God doesn't create the bad things that happen to us. It's people and the choices we make. He gave us free will. He wants us to turn to him for help. He wants to have a relationship with us. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me." God loves you more than you can ever imagine because he paid a ransom for you. He gave his son Jesus Christ to suffer and die on the cross so you can live and find your way back to him and have eternal life. She said, “I don’t know, it doesn’t make sense. She said, don’t push God on me. You believe what you want.  I don’t believe in God because he allowed me to suffer. I don’t have a leg, and I am going blind what kind of God allows that, my only mistake was being born.

It wasn’t until weeks after she died, I realized your plan and its purpose. You gave Angge time to fix what was broken between us. We had caused each other so much grief. I could not understand the demons she was fighting in her head, and she could not understand my worry. I came across scriptures she wrote on  pieces of sticky notes. “If you seek him, he will be found by you. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart” And in her book of gratitude she wrote, “I am grateful for being here today. I am grateful for my parents who have been very forgiving” In the process of making things right between us, she had made things right between you and you gave her what she had been wanting all her life and that was peace. Finally, she was at peace.

It doesn't make it any easier for me, when will my peace from losing her come? When will my fear from what is happening to my other child subside? When will you make things okay for me? I have loved you with all my heart ever since I can remember. You are distant; what am I doing wrong?

Lulu 

[KayC]

I don't know that He makes things okay, but instead gives us grace to endure what He has for us.  It's usually a time of struggle and learning, but lessons worthwhile for us to learn.  A time of growth.  My heart goes out to you as I feel your anguish.

[justme500]

I am so sorry for your loss and pain.  Sometimes the problems of the world get very loud and our hurts make it hard to listen for that comforting voice when we pray.  Try to find some quiet time if you can.  Sometimes God's grace doesn't feel like he is making it okay but rather that he is giving you strength and shelter as you cry.

[KayC]

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.