The Grief Feels Endless Today

[StephIndyBlue]

I lost my Mum just 2 years ago and I feel as lost in grief now as I did then. The only difference now is that the numbness I felt when it happened as gone and the pain is impossible. We were a really close family and it was so sudden. I came home from a night out and she had died in her bed next to my Dad. I did CPR until the ambulance got there but it wasn't enough to save her. I feel so lost without her. My Mum was my soul mate - she always knew how to make things better even when I messed up. I ruptured several discs in my back a few years ago and got hooked on pain medication. Nobody understood what I was going through apart from her. She was always there for me. We shared so many dreams. I was always so scared of losing her but at the same time I never believed it would happen. Before she died my relationship with my Dad was broken but we have bonded now and I feel like I should be grateful for that but I just want my Mum back. I can't do grief counselling as I don't want to sit and talk to aynone. I lost my job the week after she died for grieving too long and inconveniencing my boss. I was too numb to care at the time so now I work from home. I just don't really interact with anyone and I cry every day because |I just want my Mum back. I have ended up taking care of everyone but I've lost what made me me somewhere. My sister even says that this spark that used to be inside me has gone completely and I feel like it has. I'm not who I was. I used to campaign for everyone, run a wildlife rescue, write novels and fight hard for what I felt was right. Now I just  want my Mum and I sit in my office on my own just wanting her. I don't think life is worth it anymore. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  Loss is so hard when you've lost someone dear to you.  Have you considered a grief support group if you won't do grief counseling?

[StephIndyBlue]

I did look around but there was nothing near me. It may have helped x

[KayC]

Did you check with Hospice of the Valley?

 

Grief Support
Grief Support Online: An Invitation

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/08/grief-support-online-invitation.html

[Aus1412]

I am having similar thoughts.  I feel like I am fooling myself into thinking I will be ok, but the truth is, the REAL truth is, I loved my mom in my life and I want her back so badly.  This does not even feel natural that she is completely gone.  My mom ws everything to me.  She would have never left us because she loved us more than anything in the world.  All I can ask is that God will do something for me because I am helpless.  This just feels so unfair to her and to me that we were ripped apart from one another.  It feels so cruel.  I thought my mom and I were safe.  You spoke to my heart when you said that you were always scared of losing her but you never believed it would happen.  That's where I am right now

[always_somethin]

I'm so sorry. You had a wonderful relationship with your mother, and I feel the same. I lost a best friend and mentor, someone always there to guide me through my sadness. Although I'm very close with my older brother and, like you, have mended the relationship with my father - losing Mom feels like a part of me is gone. I had given her a plaque in the shape of a jigsaw puzzle piece (she loved to do puzzles) for one of her Christmas presents last year. It says "mom, the most important piece of my life" and she loved it so much. Her belongings all throughout the house hurt to look at some days and I don't know if I'll ever have the strength to let things go.

I'm sorry your boss didn't allow you more time to grieve or even think to offer you help. Too many care about business nonsense and not of an employee's health. It's not right. I hope you are finding a bit of peace working from home.

I'm trying to see my mom's passing as her finally free from pain. Nobody deserves to suffer like my mother did. I want to honor that more than my own feelings. But without Mom, I feel like I have no purpose in life. It's become more apparent lately seeing how defeated my older brother looks each day. We finally brought home Mom's beautiful urn yesterday and he cried so much. As his sister, I don't know how to help him through this. But I'm always there for him. I've been scared for his health, as he's also been the one to handle her bills and seeing our Mom's name on everything has made him so sad.

I don't have the best advice as everything is so new being the first death in my family. But try to stay in contact with others. Get outside more often if you can, even if it's just for a moment to get some air.

One day at a time. You're in my thoughts. 🕊️

[KayC]

2 hours ago, always_somethin said:

But try to stay in contact with others. Get outside more often if you can, even if it's just for a moment to get some air.
One day at a time. You're in my thoughts.

Sounds like good advice to me!