This Can't be Real

[CHRISSY2024]

My boyfriend of 2 years was killed in a truck accident on 7/20/2024...along with our beloved dog.  He was in a state of emotional turmoil after losing his mom in January ... just 6 months ago. He relapsed on alcohol after being sober for 2 1/2 years. It was devasting to see the man I love go through that. He just could not handle his own grief + loss. Now... here I am having to go through the loss of him and our dog. The accident + the events leading up to it were very traumatic. I replay that day, those events, his words, the deputy I got the news from words, the next weeks worth of being treated like "just his girlfriend" by his family.... this is on a loop in my mind daily. This is all too much for one person to carry. I love that man so much + he was my favorite person in the world. I need him here to be my person ... to help me through this like he always did. Our dog was the best most human dog ever. I don't even have him as a "consolation prize" after the fact.  I can not accept that he will never come home, he will never wear the clothes I have washed + put up neatly, he will never kiss me or hold me again, he will never tell me he loves me again ... it is too unfathomable to even think of a future that doesn't include him. I feel like I am being suffocated by the world that has crashed down on me. 

[KayC]

Welcome to our site, a safe place to be where others get it.

I hope you'll come here and read and post daily.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

8 hours ago, CHRISSY2024 said:

My boyfriend of 2 years was killed in a truck accident on 7/20/2024...along with our beloved dog.  He was in a state of emotional turmoil after losing his mom in January …

I am so sorry for your double loss. Your boyfriend sounds so special. And I’m sure it was beyond difficult to watch him lose his sobriety when his mom passed, then to lose him and your dog.

People sometimes discount pets, but they are so important. Our beloved beagle Oscar died soon after my husband did. They were constant companions, and personally I think he died of a broken heart.

I was inconsolable at the time but my adult daughter who lives with me agreed to foster a rescue pup named Zu. After keeping her 6 weeks we decided to adopt her. 

Zu is not a replacement for Oscar. She has her own personality and is a real clown. She turned 3 recently and is the light of our household.

Pets can help a lot during grief. You may want consider fostering. It’s a short term commitment to see if you are ready to find a new canine companion. 

i wish you peace and strength in your time of struggle.

[RichS]

Chrissy:  All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. Please continue to post your feelings on this board. There are lots of people here who get what your going through, will sympathize with you and help you to cope during this difficult period of your life. We're all here to support each other each and every day and can do the same for you. WELCOME!!

[KayC]

My dog keeps me going, I'm glad you mentioned that, @BohoKat.  She is going through so much.  @RichS It touched me that'd you'd reach out to console someone on your anv. of death, yet that's what we do here.  (((hugs)))

[RichS]

Thanks, Kay. It was strange that the 2nd anniversary bothered us a little more than year one. Who knows how the mind works!?!?

[KayC]

You aren't alone, I've heard this from a lot of people!  I think the first year we're still in shock, some people are around, and the second year everyone's gone back to their lives and shock has worn off.  We're left on our own.

[CHRISSY2024]

Thank you all for being so kind and welcoming. This is really hard and my mind and life is fragmented right now. I was suffocated by people until Chris’s funeral. Then everyone disappeared… poof gone…. Back to their own lives that doesn’t include me … the weeping broken friend. It’s pretty sad that I can’t even count on my best friends. I literally text them today and told them I wish I was dead. Not that I was going to kill myself but I wish I had been with Chris so I could’ve died with him. And no one cared enough to check on me. No texts back. No one showed up at my house. No one called. It is just me and my son in this. And his loss is not the same as mine. Sure he is grieving the friend and father figure he had in Chris. But he can’t comprehend my loss of my person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He tries and does good for a 20 year old. I also don’t want to burden him with my utter brokenness and anguish. 

[KayC]

Everyone in my life disappeared, all but my immediate family, and they didn't have a clue what I was going through.  Friends no longer invited me, weren't there for me.  It's more common than you'd think.  I was still young (52) and my friends hadn't lost their spouse or SO.  These articles attest you are not alone in what you are going through.  Sadly.

Friends, letdown
Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me