How do you stop the spiral after 2 years of grieving?

[AdeptTurtle]

Hi,

My name is Danei and I am new here. Im autistic and adhd with mental health issues. I've felt a little lost and alone in my situation. 

This is a mixture of parent, friend, suicide, pet, lost job and relationship, addiction and abuse. So warning to anyone who maybe effected by these subjects. 

Formality down, let me start from the beginning. Beginning of 2020, not the best time for everyone as lockdown was about to happen and there was this scary pandemic that had struck. My dad passed away from a heart attack. We weren't close as he was an alcoholic and was abusive, he left when I was 13, he passed when I was 25. I'd lost my dearest grandparent at 11 so thought ok this will be fine. It was not. It was chaotic from the start and due to the pandemic the paramedics were in such a difficult situation as to what they can and can't do at that time. So my brother and I turned up and he was actually still alive on the floor, he passed away infront of us. Fast forward to 2022 this year was the worst. 2 years after my dad had passed still stinging and confused with how to feel about it. My best friend called me and he was in a really really bad way, he had self harmed himself really badly and was drunk (which at that point was a lot of the time) I stayed on the phone, attempting to distract him and talk to him. He was laughing and ended the conversation but begged me to come to his, I couldn't get there I lived 30 minutes away it was very late so no public transport and I don't drive. So I gave him some numbers to people who have helped me and even called an ex who lived 2 minutes away, there friends too, I asked him please go check on him and be there with him until tomorrow when I can get there. 

The next morning, I tried to call, texted him. Called my ex again, he said he didn't get an answer but didn't tell me. I contacted another friend and even his mum but nothing. The next day I get a phone call.. he had taken his life that night. That destroyed me. 

I can't look at daffodils without crying and remembering Joe, they were his favourite and we placed them in his favourite river at his funeral. 

Now we are at may, may 7th my mum was having a big 60's birthday bash. It hurts to remember. I'd done her hair and make up helped her pick out her outfit, but sign 1 for me was she was struggling to put her dress on, I helped. She said she doesn't know if she wants to do this she feels ill and can't walk properly. She'd borrowed some crutches from a neighbour. Watching her move was painful, she shouldn't have been there but she wanted to enjoy her 60th and said she would go to the hospital if she was still bad. When we went to leave I helped her to the car, she went to get in and fell on her back. Adrenaline kicked in so I lifted her into my bus car told him to drive her home and I will see you there as it was a full car. I ran home, helped my mum into her comfies and for a pee. She was going to call the doctor so she did, I couldn't stay due to my partner but that's a long story not for here. 

She called and was taken for tests etc. We were told on the 10th her actual birthday to come up as she had news. She had cancer, they were going to attempt to treat it and they seemed pretty positive but it was still a shock. 

Treatment came, she got worse after a week, was sick all the time and getting weaker. We thought OK, this is just the treatment. We contacted the hospital again they said just keep going with it and we will see the results soon. We didn't. We were told she was going to die in a 2 to 3 months roughly. Week after it was she has 1 month. She made it through the treatment which lasted a month we were told in July it wasn't working and she was going to die. August 10th, yeah 5 days from now she passed away infront of me. I died that day. My mum and I were best friends, had an unspeakable bond where we'd turn up In the same outfits kind of thing. We got our first tattoo together, went to gigs, did everything. We'd call eachother all the time and I'd have her over for dinner and vise versa. She was more than a mum to me. That day I watched her pass (I won't get into details) I died, I haven't been the same since. Life is un enjoyable and I feel lost and heartbroken everyday. I couldn't protect her like I promised and I couldn't take her to download like we planned. She was gone. I still can't rap my head around it. I spiral a lot on birthdays, the anniversary of her death, Christmas etc. It's like I lost all point in living. 

We had a family dog, I took him in for a while. I love him so so much but lost my flat and so had to hand him back, I still feel like I let him down. 

Also had the family cat cartman he was severely ill and old and I had to put him down. 

How do you overcome the thoughts of negativity and guilt and the bad bad one of I don't want to do this anymore. I also kind of want to speak to people who can relate in anyway and have someone actually listen who gets it. I don't feel supported right now and I'm struggling quite a bit. 

[Traz]

I am so so sorry for all the losses you have been through in such a short period of time. 

You have experienced trauma and processing so many things at once is very difficult. The suicide of your dear friend and the loss of your beloved mother are going to take lots of time to grieve and process.

Journaling helped me through my losses. You will always miss and grieve your losses, but over time it does become more bearable. 

My daughter is 30 and on the spectrum. Her best friend and mentor died by suicide a few months ago. The effect it had on her was devastating. She has been helped greatly by EMDR therapy over the last month. I don't know if you have access to something like that where you live, but it may help. 

I don't know how you are in group situations, but a grief support group may be helpful. Some may offer Zoom meetings, if you're not comfortable in a group setting in person. Check with your local hospital as well, they may run programs for grieving people. Individual counselling may also help - especially with someone who is experienced and understands the challenges of autism. 

Both of my kids are on the spectrum and it is not an easy journey. My heart goes out to you. The bond you had with your mum will never be broken. She is still with you, but on the other side. You have lots to live for and trust me, being a mum myself - she wants you to go on. 

You are stronger than you think. Sending you love and hope,

Traz