I can't move on

[JesseCantHeal]

This month marks 9 years since I lost the only person I've ever loved. We grew up together and he was my best friend. We eventually fell in love when were 16. It had its complications. We had to keep it hidden from our friends and families and we did for years. We both got into drugs and alcohol when we were young. We struggled for years and years. When I was 24 I finally had enough and wanted to get clean. I started going to meetings and got clean. I tried everything to help him. Eventually I gave him an ultimatum. Either get clean or I can't have you in my life. We got him into a sober living in Florida. He packed up and I told him how happy I was and how much I loved him. He left and I never saw him again. He went there and overdosed alone in his car. He sat there for days before we found him. He died scared and alone and it's all my fault. I'm the one who forced it. I'm the one who sent him there. I relapsed after that because I just wanted to die. I wanted the pain to end. I ended up overdosing in November of that year, but I lived. I've been clean ever since. I'll have 9 years sober this November. I know this may sound ridiculous given the amount of time that's passed, but the guilt and the memory of him is still all consuming. He's the only person I've ever loved in my 33 years of life and I loved him with my whole entire soul. I've never said these things out loud before. I've tried to deal with them on my own, but I'm at loss. I clearly need help. I can't move on. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish here, but I'm so lost without him. I thought time would heal me but I was wrong. God I was wrong. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  Nine years is just that, passage of time, yet it's what we do with that time that makes a difference in how we are doing going forwards...we never stop missing them and we don't leave them behind, we carry them with us in our hearts.

It helps to come here to read and post and know you are not alone. Details change and vary in our stories, we are unique in our journeys, but the one constant is we have lost that person that made us complete, the one that we were at home with.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

And congratulations on your sobriety!

[BohoKat]

13 hours ago, JesseCantHeal said:

 He died scared and alone and it's all my fault. I'm the one who forced it. I'm the one who sent him there. I relapsed after that because I just wanted to die. I wanted the pain to end. I ended up overdosing in November of that year, but I lived. I've been clean ever since. I'll have 9 years sober this November. I know this may sound ridiculous given the amount of time that's passed, but the guilt and the memory of him is still all consuming. He's the only person I've ever loved in my 33 years of life and I loved him with my whole entire soul. I've never said these things out loud before. I've tried to deal with them on my own, but I'm at loss. I clearly need help. I can't move on. I can't stop thinking about him. 

@JesseCantHeal We are so glad you are here. There are a lot of caring folks with good information.

Grief has a way of turning your thoughts around backwards and upside down. Maybe part of the key to healing is remembering you cannot make anyone do anything.

You are carrying a tremendous burden thinking you forced him into a situation that was his choice. That is mitigated of course by the disease of alcohol and drugs he suffered from. That is not on you, even after 9 years.

Please feel free to come back and post until that guilt is lessened.