Loss of youth - grieving for your past

[ImMomma]

This may not be the place for this, but Ive been thinking about this a bit lately.

Something many do not talk about is aging and saying goodbye to the people we used to be and the people our loved ones used to be.  

It IS a form of grief.  It can be painful, demoralizing,  shocking, sad, lonely, and frightening.   

No matter how gracefully one appears to age, or how hard one fights against it, we have periods of grief- sometimes deep and long lasting - grief that can immobilize us.   

Grief can make us physically sick.  Some people hurt themselves trying to do things they did a year ago - or a month ago - and cannot do now. 

Example: A year ago I cleaned out a level 5 hoarded yard barn, with a loft.  I moved very heavy items like shelving units and large, heavy furniture by myself.  It took me six weeks - from January thru February -  working on weekends and after work to get it done.  I threw out a literal ton. I had to wear a mask and eye protection to clean up all the rat droppings and dirt.  I also helped carry heavy fence posts on my shoulder, and lift cinder blocks to a dolly, move them and place them.   I knew I probably wouldn't be able to do things like this much longer, but I thought my aging would be more gradual. By November I could barely move my furniture the little I needed to, to vacuum.   I did not do my fall cleaning.   Most of that I attributed to cancer - but as I am finding out - its not.   To my surprise, I am recovering from cancer. My doctors are telling me to exercise and do more. I still work full time - at a desk.  

But my doctors are also telling me I will never be able to do the things I used to do like washing windows and walls and baseboards and doors.  My body simply cannot do it. I can feel it.  

 

I watched my overall healthy husband turn into a frail old man who falls down sometimes and now can't get up.  He can't even make Halloween tombstons or props anymore and he loved to do that.  He cant even fly his drone.   

Yes - we grieve over the loss of our strength and health as we age.    Its different from when we sit and reminisce sometimes over old photos or absent friends.   That a brief and natural melancholy or more likely for us a positive and uplifting memory that brings smiles.   

 

But there are time the loss of youth can be crushing.   Its a knee-jerk grief.  Sometimes it's triggered by how society overlooks us now.  We are on fixed incomes, we cant get out as much as we would like, some places are just not accessible.  We went to a move this past weekend.  Deadpool & Wolverine. We overheard some younger people say it was sweet to see old people at a young movie, but they thought we would be shocked by the language.   

We laughed so much at that movie and would actually like to see it again!    Old my arse!  

The grief passes. We remind ourselves aging is part of life and we juat have to deal with it and we find things we can do. But still we grieve sometimes. 

 I grieve over the loss of hugs.  My husband is still here, but crippling arthritis for both of us has made snuggling on the couch together and watching a movie impossible.  Its been many years since we could hug each other more than a quick hug when I help him stand up.  Even holding hands causes pain from arthritis sometimes.

People see us only as old now.  We see us & each other as we were 40+ years ago.  Even feeling the same expectations we once did, we are only reminded of our dead youth when we reach for those simple expectations. 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I love the poem...

I can relate to your taking on the hurculean task you did, it's the same as I did this year cleaning out my carport and electrical room with 10% strength.  I still have the shop to tackle but need to wait for amnesty day and someone with a truck to haul it...but there are things in there that are much too heavy for me to move, don't know who put them there or why, but I suspect my son, truck or car parts, likely for vehicles no longer owned.

It's amazing to me what we can accomplish from sheer determination.  But even then there's a limit, I'm nearly 72 and although I look healthy, my infirmities can't be seen, but they are there all the same, making my life challenging.  Loss of one's hands and strength from all of the countless injuries in the last five years,  I realize few could do what I've done in spite of them.

Thinking of you, with all of your challenges...

[ImMomma]

Thank you.  I wrote that 7 or 8 years ago when I first started experiencing the dismissive or condescending attitude against older people that is so prevalent.  

[KayC]

Yeah, sometimes I think we should live in a different culture like China or Japan where they regard their elderly more kindly.