My husband has type 2 diabetes and advanced csyrosis.

[Terressa]

My husband of 37 yrs was diagnosed with later stage csyrosis and diabetes 3yrs ago .Wr had divorced(my choice) for 6 months and then a found out.I struggled with going back.Let me back up a little. We used to be addicts and God set us free from 20yrs of addiction.Andcalled my husband to preach.Fast forward to about 2010. We became blessed with pastoring 2 churches in 2 counties and 2 food pantries also. Needless to say it got overwhelming alot   But we loved helping other addicts find Jesus. Then one day 

Satan sent a woman who had eyes for my husband. Long story short he ended up having an emotional affair thru phone calls etc .God let me know what was going on.After much heartache and also being exhausted from the ministry I couldn't continue. Some weeks B4 I left, he was coming to our pantry with a load of food.He was hit in back of his trailer and flipped the truck and trailer.We ended up losing the loan of food and he got seriously hurt.  Having been drug free (not even a Tylenol)  Hr prayed that God would not let them give him anything unless God deemed it necessary. Well they have him morphine. As much as he hated it that lit the fuse. It took several months to get to the thing he got free from 20yrslater. Fast forward to me and him divorcing . I moved in with my grown kids.He and I remained friends for the whole yr we were split.He would beg me to come back and tho I loved my soulmate I struggled to get an answer from God.After months of asking God what to do.He reminded me of my wedding vows .Well we got remarried July 6th this year. Now our lives are filled up with Dr visits and him trying to get disability. He is inconstant pain and gets strong meds from Dr in order for him to be out of pain he stays altered 80% of the time. Now Id be lying if I said I'm clean.I am not.We have become a version of our old self. 2 junkies.I am not so wacked that I stay high all the time.I have to stay straight enough to take care of business.I draw a small check monthly for retirement. We live in horrible conditions my double wide really needs condemned.I never feel like cleaning and I stay depressed most of the time. If he doesn't get a transplant I'm not sure how much longer he has.My days now are spent watching him like he's a 3 yr old.when he is medicated which is most of the time he does not sleep. He might get 3 or 4 naps a day he sleeps maybe 15 minutes to hr during these naps. I stay wore out I pray so so much for God to heal him or take him home.I know when it's his time,I will be both a basket case and I will also be relieved.For THAT I feel like a monster.and so riddled with guilt. Thanks for reading my BOOK. Please if anyone has some words of wisdom I will soak it up like a sponge.Im so thankful to have found this forum. If nothing else I could really use all the prayers I can get.Again thank you for taking the time to read this.I already feel some relief from sharing my story.Grateful for any answers out there.Sincerly, Terressa.

[KayC]

Welcome here.  This is our safe place where we can come to read and post.  I want to mention we have a religious section for people to talk because not all believe the same here.

You are taking care of him and for that I commend you.  Please, no room for guilt, many of us have had mixed feelings and that is understandable, we are human.  Feelings are not facts!  Feelings are just something to contend with, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

There will be others along to weigh in on this.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well: