Guilt and regret for the quality of life over the quantity?

[I Miss My Girl]

I had to put my girl to sleep 3 months ago and I have so many regrets. I was such a bad owner. When I look for support it seems to focus on the guilt of putting your friend to sleep. My girl wanted to die because that she suffered so. It has never been an issue. What haunts me is the quality of the life I gave her.

An example would be that I never helped her have babies despite her really wanting to. I also lacked social skills which meant that she wasn't able to have dog friends despite wanting to. But the biggest regret was that I didn't take her on day long adventures such as camping trips. Or hours long hikes every weekend. Instead, I used to dread having to take her on walks after work when I was tired. And I spent too much time on the computer with her just being bored. 

Sometimes I used to feel like she shackled me and kept me from living my life. Now that she is dead, I do not want any of those things I dreamed about when I still had her. Getting them makes me depressed. I had paradise right there with my dog. And I didn't see it.

I used to be so much worse when I was younger. I hate myself so much to the point that I wish harm upon myself. I day dream about going back in time to "hurt" the owner that I was. The only thing that bothers me about it is that she wouldn't want me to hate myself and punish myself as I do.

The last couple of years were different. As I matured I understood thigns better and taking her out on walks was fun. The last couple of weeks I took her out on parks and forests and all kinds of adventures. Those were the best days of my life too. Because that I got to be on adventures with my beloved girl. 

I never seem to see anyone feeling like I do when I look around online. It is always guilt about ending the dogs life or such. I had her for 14 years. It is not the amount of time but the quality of the time she had which bothers me. Does anyone else feel this?

[KayC]

I am sorry for your loss.  It does no good to feel guilt for something that is done and gone...you had a couple of good years with her that you did things with her, remember that.  It's good that you had that time and I'm sure that's what she remembers too.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.