Victim of cancer

[Brazil Man]

My wife was victim of lung cancer. She lived 20 months after diagnose. She was not put at chemo or radiotherapy; only put on medication (Gefitinib).So she was able to live home happy with me for about a year but suddenly she got worse an went to ICU and died. I woul like to hear from friends here whose spouse was victim of cancer and how were their experience. Her cancer was stage IV with pleural effusion.(worst progostic ever.)

[Bob1948]

7 months ago, today my wife passed away from stomach and esophageal cancer.  It was 8 months from diagnosis until she passed away.  She had chemo for 2 months and then had her stomach removed but the surgeon could not get a clear margin.  She was scheduled for radiotherapy but by that time she had lost so much weight they said she would not survive radiotherapy.  She told the oncologist that the wanted to celebrate Thankgiving with her family. The day after Thanksgiving she started hospice. She wanted to die in her own home and asked not to be put in a hospice or nursing home. This is the part I have real problems with because, hospice is designed to make her comfortable till she starves to death. Don't get me wrong the nurses were wonderful but I was the one who had to everyday watch her slowly die. 

[Sparky1]

My wife passed away in October of 2020 from cancer. From when she was diagnosed to her passing away was about a month and a half. She had stage 4 cancer and it started in her adrenal gland, which is a one in a million cancer. She did radiation and felt better, but as soon as they did the chemotherapy she went downhill very fast. They also put her in palliative care and they also starved her to death literally. She toughed it out but it was too much for her.  That was the worst day of my life when she passed away.

[ElaineG]

My husband died from pancreatic cancer in 2015. He went to the emergency room because he passed out at home and was diagnosed there. He stayed in the hospital for exactly one week. He was released home where I cared for him for exactly one week. He spent thanksgiving at home during that time. Then he got so sick I was unable to care for him properly at home, so he was taken to hospice where he spent exactly one week before he passed. So 3 weeks from diagnosis to his passing. I am grateful that I and all his other loved ones had the time we did and that we were able to give him all our love and say goodbye.

[KayC]

One of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer and died two weeks later. Her name was also Kay. Our daughters had been best friends, Melissa Kay and Mandy Kay.

It's so hard.

She used to live with us. She was proposed to under our security light since there was no moonlight. I miss her, it's been 8 1/2 years she's been gone, it feels like longer.  She never got to retire or know her grandchildren.

[BohoKat]

After living with Hep C from a blood transfusion, my husband reached the final stage. His cirrhosis was not too bad but he contracted liver cancer.

I watched him deteriorate for a year before he finally passed away. He was treated with immunotherapy rather than chemo or radiation.

The first couple of months weren’t too bad. He was tired a lot, but still functioning. A few more months later he was in a wheelchair because he could not walk anymore. The last two months he was in home hospice in a hospital bed. He was not really aware of what was going on at that point, but he was able to die at home, which was his wish.

There is no good way to lose your loved one but cancer because it lasts so long can be particularly cruel.

[Sar123]

My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October 2021 and passed in December 2022. He had been sick all summer and had gone to the doctor in June and was told his symptoms were from old age at 65. He went back in Oct and pushed his dr for more tests and that’s when they discovered the tumor. It hadn’t spread to other organs, but it was on top of a main artery so they couldn’t do the surgery. The next step was chemo to hopefully shrink the tumor. He was such a good patient and did everything that was asked of him. The first chemo was brutal and made him so sick. After 8 rounds, it was inactive but had not shrunk. He tried a few more rounds but it made him so sick they took him off. They tried a different chemo but that didn’t work either so he went thru radiation 5 days/week for 6 weeks. He was just so sick from it and had lost so much weight. He went through all of that and it did nothing. Eventually it spread to his liver. They told him to go back on chemo and he didn’t want to. The dr and I talked him into it. I wish i hadn’t because it ended up poisoning his liver which ended up killing him, within 6 weeks. Mayo never told us this could happen. If they had, he would have chosen not to have anymore chemo and he could have had a few more weeks or months. Ugh. It’s so hard to go back to that time.
 

Our kids traveled home and took care of him. He was in hospice at home surrounded by us. He did get to meet our first grandchild even though he was so sick, he couldn’t even hold him (he was 5 mths old). They stayed by his side, took him to the bathroom, gave him his meds and tried to get him to eat and drink a little. The pca taught them how to get him comfortable in bed. By this time he was a skeleton and in so much pain. It was hard to watch. I let them take over. They slept by his side on the floor and on the couch and talked to him throughout the night. I am so grateful they took care of their dad during this time. They loved him so, so much. He was the best husband and father anyone could ask for. I will miss him. My heart is forever broken. 

[BohoKat]

6 minutes ago, Sar123 said:

Our kids traveled home and took care of him. He was in hospice at home surrounded by us. He did get to meet our first grandchild even though he was so sick, he couldn’t even hold him (he was 5 mths old). They stayed by his side, took him to the bathroom, gave him his meds and tried to get him to eat and drink a little.

@Sar123 thanks, you reminded me that I should have acknowledged our adult daughter without whom I could not have made it through the home hospice. She lived with us for two months and often took the night shift and gave medication. 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, BohoKat said:

@Sar123 thanks, you reminded me that I should have acknowledged our adult daughter without whom I could not have made it through the home hospice. She lived with us for two months and often took the night shift and gave medication. 

I'm glad you had her.  My daughter was there for me when my husband died, I don't know what I would have done without her.

[WithoutHer]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm glad you had her.  My daughter was there for me when my husband died, I don't know what I would have done without her.

I've said it before but these posts also remind me how thankful Vickie's daughter came here from Alabama the very next day after her mom's passing. She was of course here because it was her mom but she was also here for me. She continues to think of me as family and without her existence in the world I would have no one.

[KayC]

I'm glad you have her. 🥰

[teekly]

The love of my life was diagnosed with stage 4 glioblastoma (brain cancer) in April of 2022. She had surgery followed by radiation and oral chemotherapy. She did well for 16 months,  but couldn't read because of where her tumor was in her brain. She could understand anything I read to her. In September of 2023, after a MRI, we were told that the cancer was coming back, which we were told would happen. At that point we started hospice care. In September 2023, we were told that she might make it to Thanksgiving. She made it to January 11, 2024. I told her when she was diagnosed that I would care for her at home as long as I could, and I was able to hold her hand, at home, until she died. Her last week and particularly the last 48 hours were the worst. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I'm truly grateful to have been able to keep my promise to her. 

[KayC]

And you fullfilled it to her. Bless you.

[AJ4]

My husband went in for his first screening colonoscopy because he was getting to that age... and they found stage four colon cancer.   He did all the things they recommended- chemotherapy- but it only gave him a few extra months while one of the chemos was working, and then it stopped working.  He lived for 15 months after diagnosis.    He was also on home hospice when he died.  He went into the hospital on a Sunday morning because he was in pain, and at that time he was able to talk to the hospital staff almost like his old self, for brief periods if he concentrated, but the pain was taking so much out of him.  Over the next few days he deteriorated rapidly and kept saying he wanted to go.  They called in hospice (I don't know who, if it was him or his dad or the nurses- it wasn't me).   My mom and his mom were there later that night helping me.  But it was a terrible time.  He died at 7 am that Friday morning.  

[Mamacta]

My husband of 35 years died on April 18, 6 weeks after we found out he had stage IV esophageal cancer. We thought he had pneumonia.  He was full of cancer. 5 hospitalizations in 6 weeks before he passed. We’ve known each other since high school. I am lost without him.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for all you both went through.  That is a lot.  And having spent your life together...it's a hard adjustment.  My husband was barely 51 when he passed from diabetic complications, following what the ADA said, it doesn't work.  I help manage an international diabetic group online now, partly in tribute to my George, also I was diagnosed after he died.  It gives me some purpose.

Welcome here, it helps to come here and read or post every day, we're like a family from all over, I find it helps.

I wrote this ten years after my husband died (he's been gone 19 years Father's Day), it's not only my experiences but those from grief groups and what they have shared.  I've belonged to one since he died.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Mamacta]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for all you both went through.  That is a lot.  And having spent your life together...it's a hard adjustment.  My husband was barely 51 when he passed from diabetic complications, following what the ADA said, it doesn't work.  I help manage an international diabetic group online now, partly in tribute to my George, also I was diagnosed after he died.  It gives me some purpose.

Welcome here, it helps to come here and read or post every day, we're like a family from all over, I find it helps.

I wrote this ten years after my husband died (he's been gone 19 years Father's Day), it's not only my experiences but those from grief groups and what they have shared.  I've belonged to one since he died.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Thank you so much for this information. I will read every word as soon as I have time. I feel my grief is getting worse as time goes by. My husband was an amazing human loved by so many and it has been an inconceivable loss. My deepest sympathy for your great loss as well and many thanks for the help you are providing others. It takes a special kind of person to do what you do.

[KayC]

You are still working?

I hope you tell us about your husband when you get the chance.  And save this list, it helps as this is a journey that is ever evolving and what hits you now will be different in a few months.

[Mamacta]

7 minutes ago, KayC said:

You are still working?

I hope you tell us about your husband when you get the chance.  And save this list, it helps as this is a journey that is ever evolving and what hits you now will be different in a few months.

I am, full time (60 years old). Gets me out of the house 🤷🏻‍♀️

[KayC]

True, can be a distraction. I was working my favorite job of my career when George died, Bush (son) was presidet then, he decided to use up the ten year supply of aerospace parts so he wouldn't go out owing so much debt...it put all of us out of business at once except the big corps.  I had two weeks unemployment left when I got a job and had to commute 100 miles/day.  My car gave up the ghost, I had to buy another.  I still miss that job although I'm nearly 72, but I would have worked until I was 70 had this not happened.

[Mamacta]

55 minutes ago, KayC said:

True, can be a distraction. I was working my favorite job of my career when George died, Bush (son) was presidet then, he decided to use up the ten year supply of aerospace parts so he wouldn't go out owing so much debt...it put all of us out of business at once except the big corps.  I had two weeks unemployment left when I got a job and had to commute 100 miles/day.  My car gave up the ghost, I had to buy another.  I still miss that job although I'm nearly 72, but I would have worked until I was 70 had this not happened.

I don’t know how you’ve done it for almost 20 years. I can’t see past tomorrow most days. Looking forward to perusing the forums. So many wonderful people gone too soon 😞

[KayC]

Take one day at a time...

[Bob1948]

Welcome. I lost my wife in January after 54 years of marriage. In the beginning her death was all I could think of every day.  As time goes on it starts to get easier.  It helps to share on here because you'll find there are many people who feel as you do and understand how difficult it can be to deal with each day.

[KayC]

Thank you for coming alongside and sharing.