My Boy, Dexter

[TroyB]

We lost our boy yesterday.  His name is Dexter and he was only 8 years 9 months and 21 days old.

About 6 weeks ago he started with a limp on his back leg.  We thought it was a muscle strain.  A week later it hadn't healed and he wobbled on his other leg.  Worried, we took him to the vet.  He was a fear aggressive Rottweiler who was terrified of the vet and hated being there.  The vet watched him walk and said that he had damaged both his cruciate ligaments.  We left with meds a follow up in a month.

After an initial improvement he started to get stiffer and a little worse.  At this point our vet referred us to a specialist knee surgeon.  

This Thursday (yesterday still) just past we took our beautiful baby to the specialist.  He was sedated for his x-rays and we were with him at this point.  As he was sedated he was leaning on me and I was holding him.  My partner tells me I told him I love him and that I would see him soon.

An hour later we got a phone call with the results.  Our vet was wrong.  His knees were perfectly fine.  The scans showed the real problem and it was much much much worse.  He has bone cancer.  It was already eating away at his leg and the specialist commented that he was surprised the leg hadn't broken already.  He also had a lump on either his spleen or liver (xray could not ID which) that was believed to also be cancerous.  We had no choice but to let him go.  He must have been in total agony.  

We lost our baby boy yesterday.  He was my best friend.  In the whole time I had him I had only spent one night away from him.   Last night was the 2nd, tonight is the 3rd.  I work from home so was with him everyday too.  He was my companion, my confident, my friend, my son and I loved him more than anything in the world.

We (my partner and I)  have no idea how we are going to cope.  We lost our other Rottie (Lily) to mouth cancer just under two years ago (she was 11) and that still hurts but having Dexter somehow made life easier.

It has been 25 years since I last lived in a house without a dog.   That is what our once home has now become.  A house.  Just bricks and glass. 

I've read posts on here where people have said that they wish they could die to be with their friend again.  That they see no point in the world.  That they have lost their purpose in life and don't know how to go on.

I too know these feelings.   

I question what is the point of going on.  If I didn't have my partner I fear what I would become or what I would do.  

The pain of his passing is like nothing I have ever felt.  I would do anything to have him back (back healthy and not in pain).  I want to hug him and tell him I love him.  I want to make up for any mistakes I made with him or any time I told him off.  I want him to know what he means to me and always will.

All I feel is sadness, despair, guilt and numbness.  I don't want to live without him.    

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it to be tremendous, it's how I felt when I lost my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, five years ago 08/16/19.  He got inoperable cancer.

You can tell him now.  Tell him how you feel, what you want him to know.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[TroyB]

Thank you KayC.  I wish that none of us in this forum ever needed to feel the pain that the loss of our soul mates causes.  I guess that is the cost of real and unconditional love.  

I hope that anyone who finds this forum eventually finds peace.  I know it is going to take time and I really appreciate being able to share with the world the loss of my beautiful baby.

[KayC]

I've been helping on these forums for many years (I lost my husband 19 years ago Father's Day) and you are one of the reasons I do it.

It does take time, I remember how hard those first few weeks/months were of losing my Arlie, he was my gentle giant, the most wonderful dog anyone could ask for.

[AJWCat]

My heart breaks for you. I know exactly what you are going through. The world gets very dark without them. You lose the routine and all the rituals. Life is upside down. 

I remember all the feelings you are going through. It took a while but the pain - which seems like it will never end - does diminish. Eventually, you remember the good times and not the last day. 

Again, I am so sorry I am sure it's still very hard.  

[TroyB]

We picked up Dexter's ashes today.  I had hoped it would help, bringing him home.  Tonight I put his lead, collar and harness away for the final time.  I miss him so very very much.

Of all my dog friends I have lost this hurts more than anything I could have imagined.  He was was the only one I had had from a pup, the others were rescued.  He is my best friend and I don't know how to carry on without him.

[KayC]

It's very hard, we get more used to it in time but we always miss them.

[AJWCat]

Yesterday was the anniversary of me coming into this forum. It was Aug 15 2017 and I was insane with grief. It's hard to believe 7 years have gone by. My heart still aches at our loss, the horrible-ness of it. But we do remember the good times most of all. 

I know what you're going through right now. It does get better. And even that sometimes is a hollow comfort. Hang in there. 🙏🙏 

[TroyB]

Thank you all for the kind words.  

[Rmy]

On 8/13/2024 at 1:38 PM, TroyB said:

We picked up Dexter's ashes today.  I had hoped it would help, bringing him home.  Tonight I put his lead, collar and harness away for the final time.  I miss him so very very much.

Of all my dog friends I have lost this hurts more than anything I could have imagined.  He was was the only one I had had from a pup, the others were rescued.  He is my best friend and I don't know how to carry on without him.

I’m right there with you. Losing my other pups hurt, but not like this. Maybe it was because I had more time to prepare. I got Luke as a puppy when my son was just learning to walk. They were my two little boys, both in diapers. My son is now 7.
Luke was the baby of the pack (I have 3 other dogs). We all miss him so much. 

[KayC]

Losing a pup can be one of the hardest losses of all.  So hard...

[TroyB]

Today is 10 weeks since my beautiful Dexter left.  70 days without my best friend.  It would have been his 9th Birthday today.

I love him and miss him so much

[KayC]

I am so sorry, these days are so hard. 😔