Grieving the death of a patient

[theRTRP]

I am a respiratory therapist, that entails working with the critically ill a lot of the time. I'm no stranger to pumping hearts.

 

July 23, 2024 I had a busy shift and wasn't able to clock out on time. By the time i finished my shift, it was raining hard. I decided not to take a cab, which I take everyday. I opted to use Grab (like Uber from my country). The traffic was heavy so it was taking longer than usual for the car to arrive. While I was waiting, I heard tires screech. I looked up and to my horror I saw a 3-car accident. I jumped up, checked on the 1st 2 cars and saw they were okay. As I turned my back I saw a hospital staff pushing a wheelchair towards the 3rd vehicle, the one that caused the accident. My heart sank, i knew someone was hurt. It wasn't was I was expecting. I saw the driver from the windshield, he apparently suffered cardiac arrest behind the wheel and lost control of the car that's why he rammed 2 other vehicles. I ran immediately to him, jumped up in the car and started performing chest compressions while instructing the other hospital staff to get a gurney from the ER. I did chest compressions for nearly 10 minutes straight ( it's supposed to be done only for 2 minutes by 1 person because it's really taxing to the rescuer)before someone took over for me in the ER. We were able to bring him back. 1 week later his family decided to pull the plug. I'm devastated. I don't understand why I was there that day to perform chest compressions only for him to die a week later. I can't make it make sense, why. I've been crying for him since yesterday, for a patient I never even got the chance to have a conversation with. I don't understand, I was so positive he was gonna make it. Why else, of all places would you have a cardiac arrest in front of a hospital, why else did i not take a cab and decided to wait for a car to go home, why else was I the only one who can perform compressions when the accident happened. I never knew you could grieve for a patient you never even had a conversation with. He wasn't the first I grieved for, I'm sure not the last either. But he was the first I wasn't given the chance to get to know. I can't wrap my head around all of it. It's devastating and confusing.

[KayC]

You are very caring, much like the nurse that attended my husband in the hospital 19 years ago when he died. I never forgot her.  Sometimes it's those last moments that count, even when they don't make it.  Someone cared.