Feeling Stuck With Extreme Guilt

[JCDV]

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel completely destroyed by my husband's death in April. I went on a little holiday for 8 days. It was relatively fine. Now I am home and I literally  cannot function. I cry uncontrollably. I feel completely alone. I don't understand my life without him. I dreamt about him all the time while I was on vacation. I tried calling my friends but I feel that people have moved on with their lives. I have no contact with any family members. My grief counsellor is away for 3 weeks.  I feel lost. My husband was an alcoholic who died from a fall in our home. I was away in Vancouver at the time. I just feel that I could have supported him more in his sobriety journey but I was angry with him and became dismissive. I absolutely hate myself. I should have been more supportive. I don't know how to go on. I truly don't.  My heart bleeds. When I think about him dying alone I just end up on the floor in a fetal position, weeping non-stop. He needed me but I wasn't there for him. 😭😢. 

[KayC]

16 minutes ago, JCDV said:

I tried calling my friends but I feel that people have moved on with their lives.

Unfortunately this happens, it's like they view it as contagious and are afraid of catching it.  I'm sorry.  Our best friends never invited me over again, like he had been their friend but I had not?  I wish our culture taught about death and loss so people wouldn't be so awkward with it.  It happens...ask any of us here. 

18 minutes ago, JCDV said:

I absolutely hate myself. I should have been more supportive.

Please, don't do this to yourself, it's important to be your own best friend now more than ever.  Treat yourself with kindness.  What would you tell a friend going through this?  Tell that to yourself.  And toss the "shoulds" away.  Only thing now is what is, and there's no right or wrong way with it, only our way, but make it constructive and you'll be miles ahead.  I hope others weigh in on this with their thinking.  My heart really goes out to you, you've been through so much already.  Not easy being married to an alcoholic.  Please attend al-anon, it can help.

 

[JCDV]

I tried al-anon. People just seem so defeated and run down. It's extremely depressing.  The truth is al-anon teaches you to take care and focus on yourself. Well, I was doing that and look what happened. The fact is: He needed me. He did. I'm very ashamed. I loved him. He wasn't some crazy out of control drunk. He was trying different methods to help himself ( particularly with our local hospital). He was trying.  If the situation were reversed he would have done everything possible to support me. He was very responsible with work and finances, always took care of us . His problem was he didn't know how to help himself. His grandfather was an alcoholic as well as his mother. It seems he couldn't stop the cycle. I loved him so much. I haven't even visited his grave yet since the funeral. 

[KayC]

I am sorry you didn't find it helpful, I did when I went (my dad and half my siblings were alcoholic, the siblings beat it but my dad drank until he went into the hospital where he died.  He was a good man, it just had a hold on him...yes the genes are hard to combat.  

But please try not to beat yourself up, you know he wouldn't want that.

[JCDV]

I'm happy you responded. I feel abandoned by most people. I speak to his Aunt in Virginia once a week when I feel down but that's it. I find everyone else just wants to talk about themselves. 

[KayC]

Most all of us go through all of the "what ifs" in early grief in an effort to find some different possible ending as the one that happened is unfathomable....only to find there really is only one outcome and that's the outcome that happened.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

 

[shawnt]

I have had my troubles with drinking, drank my first marriage away. What I have learned is it was my fault, 100%. Please forgive yourself; I don't think it is your burden to carry. Our grief has a way of blurring what was true and being the one left behind makes us want to look for a cause that had we only done this or that everything would have been ok. It is our minds looking to cling onto anything that might change this grief. When a love is lost it hurts, a lot.

Remember the love, it was real and that is the only thing I think that counts.

1 hour ago, JCDV said:

I'm happy you responded. I feel abandoned by most people. I speak to his Aunt in Virginia once a week when I feel down but that's it. I find everyone else just wants to talk about themselves. 

 

[DWS]

3 hours ago, JCDV said:

 I just feel that I could have supported him more in his sobriety journey but I was angry with him and became dismissive. I absolutely hate myself. I should have been more supportive.

Something tells me that you were very supportive for quite a long time. Otherwise, your anger wouldn't have developed to such a peak. Somehow, through your love and your grief, you will begin to see how supportive you actually were. Our minds are so heavily clouded with remembrances and recollections and perhaps right now, your mind is focusing so much on how you could have prevented this from happening to ease you into the actual severity of your loss. In some strange way, it's easier to handle anger at ourselves in this compared to the long journey of dealing with our broken heart along with the overwhelming love for our spouse or partner. 

My broken heart goes out to yours and I know that all of us here hope that you will keep posting and sharing your sad thoughts. It's what so many of us need when our friends and family seem to have become distant with us. There are also quite a lot of helpful articles and videos online to help give you a bit of solace. I know that my despair kept me digging for as many of those as I could find. Maybe something like this one will be helpful for you...

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, shawnt said:

I have had my troubles with drinking, drank my first marriage away. What I have learned is it was my fault, 100%. Please forgive yourself; I don't think it is your burden to carry. Our grief has a way of blurring what was true and being the one left behind makes us want to look for a cause that had we only done this or that everything would have been ok. It is our minds looking to cling onto anything that might change this grief. When a love is lost it hurts, a lot.

Remember the love, it was real and that is the only thing I think that counts.

 

Couldn't put it any better!

[Sar123]

@JCDV I am so sorry for your loss and what you’re going through. Go easy on yourself- you did the best you could given the circumstances.  A lot of us here know about the “ I could have, I should have…” So many things I wish i could have done differently, but in the end, i always remind myself that I can’t change the outcome even though I wish I could. Maybe you can find a way to keep yourself from going down the path of “could’ve”

Friends and family help in the beginning, but after a while, they get to go back to their lives, but we don’t. We have to learn to adjust to this new life without our spouse/partner; a life we never asked for or wanted. I also think friends or family can be uncomfortable around someone grieving. Society hasn’t really prepared us on how to deal with grief or how to help family and friends who have lost loved ones. It’s easier for them to ignore us and avoid talking about the person we lost. When I bring up a story about my husband, I’m met with silence so I don’t bring him up a lot now. It’s going on 2 years since he passed and most everyone expects me to be “over it” by now so I keep it to myself these days. I carry on as best as I can. Some days are better than others as I try to find a way to move forward with him.  I do have a dog to keep me company so that helps. Friends who have lost a loved one are the ones who have helped me the most. I think it’s good that you’re seeing a grief counselor. Hopefully, things will improve for you. 
 

 

[JCDV]

@Sar123 Thanks for your comments and kind words. I just think that if friends and family are just going to act like nothing has happened then they shouldn't bother talking to me again. I cannot be fake. I'm tired of North America's phoniness regarding grief. Plus, you're right. It's the people who have had to go through grief that I actually enjoy speaking with the most.  It's just easier to share with them.  I also find strangers are amazing to speak with. Somehow, they always manage to provide me with some really wise advice. It's very much appreciated. A taxi driver, a fellow traveller , a hair dresser, and the maintenance person were amazing with their assessments.