Girlfriend Passed Away

[Donkey87]

This girl I was seeing on and off passed away back in March and I am angry and sad each and every day. Our relationship was up and down. We lived together for a year and we broke up because of cheating. We then got back together and broke up a couple of months after that. This February we started talking again and it seemed like we would get back together. One night her sister texted me that she had passed away from septic shock. I was in shock. I knew she had an alcohol problem but I did not think it was as bad as it was. It was a surreal experience going to the funeral and seeing all of her family there. Especially seeing her mom and dad. No parent should ever have to bury their son or daughter. I feel guilty in a lot of ways. I ask myself If I would have not gone back and forth between her and my ex would this have happened? If I said something to her parents about her drinking would this have happened? If we started trying again before February would this have happened? It makes me sick to my stomach. I find myself cursing her because she could have avoided this. She drank a lot and was not in a good place. She had a lot of mental issues. Bi Polar being a main culprit. But I still feel that if I had just stayed with her none of this would have happened. Each day I get upset and get angry at myself and then I get angry and starting cursing her. I can't stop thinking about it. No one should die at 36 years old. No one. She was such a nice fun loving girl. She cared about everyone and would do anything for anyone. She just didn't feel that way about herself. She did not get the help she needed. I feel like I added to her issues by going back and forth with my ex. I never thought this would happen. I wish I could go back in time and prevent this. I now stay to myself. I am alone most of the time and it is getting to me. This is so hard to deal with and I just don't know what to do so I am writing this. Any words of advice or wisdom would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Brett

[KayC]

My heart goes out to you, I feel your anguish.  I am so sorry for your loss.

That said, no one can fix someone else and nothing you could have done would have changed anything...it is HER and HER ALONE that held the power to change anything about herself or her life.  I'm nearly 72 and it took me until my 50s to realize that.  I've had a ton of counseling, yet it took that long to realize I couldn't be in a relationship and "fix" or help anyone.  The best bet is in our picking/choosing someone healthy.  But oh God the pain I had in my life trying!  And by the time I realized that I chose to go it alone...not that I'd rule out someone, I just don't go actively seeking someone, and now, well I'm told men are intimidated by me. Oh well!  My late husband was not, we clicked from the beginning and he died, barely 51.

It helps to come here to read and post, it really does.  Again, I am so sorry, loss is the hardest thing in the world.

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

13 hours ago, Donkey87 said: I now stay to myself. I am alone most of the time and it is getting to me. This is so hard to deal with and I just don't know what to do so I am writing this. Any words of advice or wisdom would be appreciated.

@Donkey87  Brett, I am so sorry for your loss. I have bipolar and can so relate to your situation.

it is common for mentally ill people to abuse alcohol and drugs in an attempt to self medicate. I had my own struggles before being diagnosed at age 33. Do not blame yourself she was just coping the best she could in her situation.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She had a disease that was beyond your control. If she was not on the right meds or didn’t take them consistently it causes problems for everyone around as well as herself compounded by the alcohol problem. I created lots of problems in my marriage due to those issues. It took me a decade to settle down take my meds and go to the doctor.

i would strongly recommend trying out Al-Anon or a bipolar group that includes caretakers, partners etc. That would give you a place to help discuss your relationship issues as well as getting out and not being so alone.

Wishing you peace and strength in your struggles,

Bohohat

 

[widower2]

I don't have much if anything to add as the two posts above covered it well, but I am very sorry for your loss. Grief and guilt are old friends, I guess because our brains are trying to justify all that pain. It's common for us to blame ourselves for what happened, even when it isn't at all fair or reasonable. Try to keep that in mind.