Loss of Toddler Son 2 years ago

[missinglance]

On Jan 1 2009 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. While pregnant didn't know baby had any problems. When he was born he was airlifted to a Children's hospital and diagnosed with a congenital birth defect. When he was 3 and a half months old he received a heart transplant. Everything was going well, he came home. He had a few minor problems over the next year or so but nothing that the doctors were too concerned with. When he was 16 months old something ruptured in his heart and passed away instantly. Its really hard because he went into a cardiac arrest in our arms and had to perform CPR. He was gone before the ambulance arrived.

I have the support of my family and friends, but no matter how much they care and how much they support me they still don't truly understand what I am going through. I have always wanted to have a lot of children, but when lance was born I had second thoughts about having more but with time that passed. When my son passed away my husband had second thoughts about having anymore children. But after 2 years we have decided we want to have more children. But no matter how much time passes or how much I want to have another baby, I'm still scared. I sometimes blame myself for what happened to Lance when he was born and when he passed away even though they said I did nothing wrong.

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I want to feel like someone understands. My husband is very supportive and on this journey to healing with me, but sometimes I just need to vent to someone who isn't so close to the situation.

MissingLance

[westleysmom]

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know exactly what you are going through, my son Westley was almost 21 years old when he died in his sleep at a friend's house in 2010. I had talked to him the night before, and he said he'd be home in an hour or so. His death was due to combined acute intoxication, he'd had a couple of beers and took some kind of prescription drug, I think it was a painkiller, but I have never completely read the autopsy report. I have a daughter, who is 3 1/2 years older than Westley and she is married and has 2 kids now. One of them never knew Westley, and the older one doesn't really remember him, as she was 18 months old when it happened. So the option of more kids is not something that I have to think about, but it sounds like it is for you and you have decided to try. I hope that it goes well for you and your husband, but I am sure that it is scary. The thing that I wanted to tell you is to try to listen when people tell you that you were not to blame. Guilt for something we had no control over adds to our already heavy burden of grief and I struggle with it every day. I wonder if there was something I could have done, something I could have said when we spoke the night that he died, that would have changed things. He sounded happy and was with his friends, he didn't sound intoxicated at all. So I'm telling you to do something that I haven't entirely done myself, and that is let go of the guilt. You are not to blame for Lance's heart condition or his death. You would rather have died yourself, as I would have, but we weren't given that choice. Our choice now has to be to live the best life we can without our angels. If you feel like it, please come to Loss of Adult Child thread (I know your Lance wasn't an adult, but that group is more active and everyone there has lost a child, and while most of them were older, there are a few who lost little ones) to talk and vent and rant and whatever you feel like doing. We understand. My heart to you and your husband as you try to make your way through this.

[missinglance]

Westley's Mom,

Thank you so much for responding. It was something really nice to wake up to. I want to first start out by saying I'm sorry for your loss. I know that words can no change anything but I want you to know that I care even though I never met your son, or know you. Lance never met a lot of people because of his condition, but there are people out there that know about Lance and care about him even though they never knew him. You had so many years with your son, I wish I was given that time, but I am also thankful that I was given has much time as I was. We could have lost him long before we did. He waited for a several months for a new heart. What really bothers me is that when you look at my little Lance you would have never known he had any medical problems, he was active, happy, loving, and never fussed much even though he was put through so much in his short life. I was 23 when I had Lance. Everyone around me was having babies and bringing them home from the hospital with no problems. I never dreamed that when Lance was born I wouldn't be coming home with him right way. It is really hard on me now because I'm getting to the age where all of my friends have decided to start families. I was one of the first of my friends to have a child and its hard watching others have a normal birthing experience. I don't want to sound like I am not happy for them it is just it is hard, and I know they understand that. My friends kind of tip toe around me a lot. They have all wanted me to be the first to know because of my loss. I know I've gone a little off subject but this is what is in my heart right now. I considered myself young, and being a young mom is hard enough when everything goes right, but it is so much more when your child had a disability. Even after Lance came home from the hospital we were making weekly trips for Dr. Appointments and he was on so much medicine, it was hard. And sometimes when people complain about their children it really drives me crazy. I know that everyone does it, but I really don't want to hear about it. Am I awful for thinking that? I find myself making comments saying in response, he/she is really precious or he/she is so sweet trying to nicely say appreciate your children. I know responding to someone's post doesn't seem like much to some people but you will never truly understand how much it means to me. Thank you so much! I pray for your peace of mind and healing of your heart.

[tobyfreefoot]

On Jan 1 2009 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. While pregnant didn't know baby had any problems. When he was born he was airlifted to a Children's hospital and diagnosed with a congenital birth defect. When he was 3 and a half months old he received a heart transplant. Everything was going well, he came home. He had a few minor problems over the next year or so but nothing that the doctors were too concerned with. When he was 16 months old something ruptured in his heart and passed away instantly. Its really hard because he went into a cardiac arrest in our arms and had to perform CPR. He was gone before the ambulance arrived.

I have the support of my family and friends, but no matter how much they care and how much they support me they still don't truly understand what I am going through. I have always wanted to have a lot of children, but when lance was born I had second thoughts about having more but with time that passed. When my son passed away my husband had second thoughts about having anymore children. But after 2 years we have decided we want to have more children. But no matter how much time passes or how much I want to have another baby, I'm still scared. I sometimes blame myself for what happened to Lance when he was born and when he passed away even though they said I did nothing wrong.

Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I want to feel like someone understands. My husband is very supportive and on this journey to healing with me, but sometimes I just need to vent to someone who isn't so close to the situation.

MissingLance

i'm so sorry for your terrible loss. i'm sure you must be very frightened to have another baby. but try not to borrow trouble. no reason to expect something to go wrong. though i'm sure it is very hard to make this thought have any impact on you. you loved your baby and didn't do anything wrong. my son died july 3, 2011. he was 28. he was a sleeping passenger when his girlfriend (19-also died ) fell asleep at the wheel and hit the back of a parked semi at 67 mph. he was miles away in another state and i still feel like it was somehow my fault because as a mother i was 'spose to keep my child safe and i failed. i know that is ridiculous but all of us seem to have the same guilt. so please know you are not at fault and as wesley's mom mentioned the loss of adult child site, which is like a subset of this one has been really helpful to me. there are some others with younger children there. so many people reach out to help i can't even always answer them. you will be very welcome. we all truly understand the pain of losing your precious son.

[missinglance]

Thank you so much. I very sorry for the loss of your son and his girlfriend. I can't imagine how that felt. You seem to be doing well even though you have not hit the year mark. People would always say that after the one year anniversary that it gets better, I did not believe that but in a way I guess it is true, because you've gone through all the firsts without them, holidays, birthdays etc and the next year it won't be as hard. Lance passed away about two weeks after mother's day and about two weeks after I graduated college. There was a lot going on in my life at the time. Everything seemed to be going so well, just weeks before I had received an award from my University, given to a student in the education department who graduated even after overcoming greats odds. Then in just a moment we lost Lance. I feel like my life has just been a uphill battle since Lance was born, and even more since we lost him. After Lance passed away, while grieving I had to try and find a job, because in the education field there is only a certain window for you to get a job or you have to wait another year to try again. It has just been really hard.

The doctors told me that the condition that Lance had was no genetic, but they said that there was a possibility of having another child with a heart condition just because of our past experience. I don't want to have to go through it all again, that is what I'm scared of. I'm scared of something bad happening again or just being a bad mom ( this comes from feeling like I should have done better to protect him.) Being a mom has always come before everything else to me, even as a child that is what I thought about, When I was four they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a mommy. That really says it all about me. Sometimes it is all I can think about. It is hard knowing I have a child who is not around me for me to see go to kindergarten, graduate high school, get married have kids. Momma was his first word, but I never was able to ever hear him say I love you momma. I know he loved me because I was the one he always wanted when he was upset, or just because.. he loved my husband too. You could tell that he loved us and that he loved us loving him and loving each other. He used to put his hand on the back of my head and one on the back of my husband's head and push us together to kiss, then he would do that same thing but make us both kiss him at the same time. He loved that. That is the memory I love the most, but it is the memory that makes me cry the most also. It is funny how one minute you can feel fine and then next not so much.

Praying for your peace of mind and healing of heart. I say that a lot, but I truly mean it.

i'm so sorry for your terrible loss. i'm sure you must be very frightened to have another baby. but try not to borrow trouble. no reason to expect something to go wrong. though i'm sure it is very hard to make this thought have any impact on you. you loved your baby and didn't do anything wrong. my son died july 3, 2011. he was 28. he was a sleeping passenger when his girlfriend (19-also died ) fell asleep at the wheel and hit the back of a parked semi at 67 mph. he was miles away in another state and i still feel like it was somehow my fault because as a mother i was 'spose to keep my child safe and i failed. i know that is ridiculous but all of us seem to have the same guilt. so please know you are not at fault and as wesley's mom mentioned the loss of adult child site, which is like a subset of this one has been really helpful to me. there are some others with younger children there. so many people reach out to help i can't even always answer them. you will be very welcome. we all truly understand the pain of losing your precious son.

[westleysmom]

What a sweet memory that I'm sure is bittersweet right now. You bet he knew he was loved and loved you back. I just wanted to come back and tell you that what you are feeling is the same we have all felt, about other people and their children. When I hear about somebody whose child died that was 40, I wish I'd had that long with Westley, twice the time I had. And then I feel instantly ashamed of myself when I hear about someone who lost a very young child and didn't get even 20 years. I wish that none of us had to lose our babies, and they are always our babies, no matter how old they get. My son had been a wild child most of his teen years and I get jealous when I hear people complain about a "C" their child got in English and wonder what's wrong with them, don't they understand that you can lose them, and an average grade is not the end of the world? I was the same age as you when my first was born (Westley's older sister), and she was 22 when her first was born, so we had babies around that time of our lives, a very busy time trying to get yourself established as a grown up, which is hard enough by itself. My heart breaks for you, sweetie. You are not awful for anything that you are feeling, your heart has been broken and it takes time to put the pieces back together that are left.

[lilysmommy]

I just want to say, i completely unerstand what youre goin thru..im also a young mom who lost a young child..Lily was 2years old when she passed..a week before she had strep throat and i took her to the dr..she was fine for about a week and she had fever and vomittin so i took her to her pediatrician..he gave her a shot for the vomittin and tylenol for the fever and said to come backthe next day to do some tests to see whats wrong with her..he was in such a hurry to get out of work..since it was almost closin time..he didnt check all her previous blood work right..we went home and went to sleep that night..she passed away in her sleep on top of me..had he checked her previous lood work he wouldve seen she had severe strep and the antibiotics that she was given was not strong enough for her..i live withthe guilt every day that i souldve taken her to the hospital instead of the drs..all of my friends are having kids and its like their lives are still goin on and we're just stuck..i keep thinkin..what would she have been like..what would she looked like at 7, 15, 21..and nothin..We're always goin to wonder..i wish i had friends that understood..but they dont..they think because i smile one day..im ok..and i just wanna yell..they complain about their kids but at least they get to see their kids..right? This site will help..i think it was westleys mom that mentioned the adult thread..you can complain as much as u want and evryone understands..i wish i had the right words to help but i dont..but i can tell you thatim here if you ever just want to talk or rant about anything..ill be praying for you and i know im sorry i dont have some great advice but i do know that just talkin to someone whos in the same situation as you does help..

[Natty'sMama]

I just want to say, i completely unerstand what youre goin thru..im also a young mom who lost a young child..Lily was 2years old when she passed..a week before she had strep throat and i took her to the dr..she was fine for about a week and she had fever and vomittin so i took her to her pediatrician..he gave her a shot for the vomittin and tylenol for the fever and said to come backthe next day to do some tests to see whats wrong with her..he was in such a hurry to get out of work..since it was almost closin time..he didnt check all her previous blood work right..we went home and went to sleep that night..she passed away in her sleep on top of me..had he checked her previous lood work he wouldve seen she had severe strep and the antibiotics that she was given was not strong enough for her..i live withthe guilt every day that i souldve taken her to the hospital instead of the drs..all of my friends are having kids and its like their lives are still goin on and we're just stuck..i keep thinkin..what would she have been like..what would she looked like at 7, 15, 21..and nothin..We're always goin to wonder..i wish i had friends that understood..but they dont..they think because i smile one day..im ok..and i just wanna yell..they complain about their kids but at least they get to see their kids..right? This site will help..i think it was westleys mom that mentioned the adult thread..you can complain as much as u want and evryone understands..i wish i had the right words to help but i dont..but i can tell you thatim here if you ever just want to talk or rant about anything..ill be praying for you and i know im sorry i dont have some great advice but i do know that just talkin to someone whos in the same situation as you does help..

[Natty'sMama]

My little girl Natalie died in a tragic accident in April and I feel I am worse now than ever. She was only 5 and it kills me to know that I will never know the woman she would have been. I miss her more everyday. I miss her voice and her laugh and every little thing about her. I look at pictures on my phone and watch her videos just to see her talk and dance and sing. I am so scared I will never want anything in my life as much as I want her. I tried a psychiatrist and grief counseling and grief books but I am lost. I don't remember who I was before she died. I just don't care about anything. I don't know how people xarry on after their child is gone. I am so angry at the world. I don't want to see any od my friend's kids or the kids Nat used to play with. I don't know how to get over all this anger and jealousy