The 911 call

[Goforth860]

As I sit here I'm coming up on what would've been John's 49th bday. It's been a rough bit. I hear myself screaming his name 1. 2 . 3 times. Hell maybe more I don't really remember all I said after that. Just tid bits that repeat in my head with my agonizing screams. Just hearing myself screaming in my head and feeling it in my heart. I hear it sooo loud in my head and feel it cut me in the heart so deep. Today as much as the day I screamed those last words to him. It haunts me. It really does. Somehow I keep going. I'm still as lost today than ever. What do I do. I kept asking that on that day and I'm still asking. How do I continue this thing called life. It definitely does not feel like living. I may smile from time to time and feel joy but I do not feel the joy I felt when he was still here with me. My emotions have dulled. Other than my grief.  That seems to have intensified since those days and truly hasn't gotten any better. I feel for my mother I couldn't watch take her last breath. But I still see her do it. It's like when I watched Rob pass. Three shallow breaths and then one final exhale. Snoop I got to watch take her last breath and her eyes cloud over.  And now I've found John. My heart aches for MY family. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, it does that for quite some time.  Just let it out...

(((hugs)))

[widower2]

I'm so sorry also, even those of us who have had similar losses can't fully appreciate the particular loss of a specific person, because you and your beloved and the loss are as unique as a snowflake.... I hope this site can help in some way. 

[Goforth860]

@KayC ik that it will never go away. Sept 14th will be 28 years since my father was murdered by his father. It still cuts so deep. I remember my aunt mickey telling me baby I'm sorry your dad's gone. I had my nephew in my arms and all I remember is extending my arms with him and I felt his weight being lifted outta my hands and I collapsed to the pavement. Yelling and screaming NO PLEASE NOT MY DADDY!!! So ik it never goes away. That has dulled. It still cuts deep but it's more manageable. With that one I had to be intoxicated on his bdays and death days to keep me from driving to his dad's house and killing him. But I have lost about everyone. I have 3 family members left. My brother Phil (oldest) my sister Tina (middle) and me (baby). Then there's my mom's brothers son Josh.  Other than my dad's side of the family (which is very extended) his 3 brothers and 1 sister. All their kids. Then there's my dad's mom's side (who is also very extended). When he shot and killed my dad it killed my grandma and destroyed the family. Took her 9 years to actually pass but she watched her husband take her son and it just left a shell of a woman. But that took me 21 years to be able to "come to terms with". My mom's only been gone 6. Snoop 4 and John has now been gone a lil over 2. I was a momma and a daddy's girl BUT when it came down to it my mom was my ride or die best friend for life. There was never a time she wanted or needed someone or something that I wasn't there. So ik it'll take me well over 21 years to "come to terms". Rob I "came to terms with" fairly quickly. He had ALS and was sick and I was just glad he was out of pain and could walk talk eat and drink again. I still grieve for him but it took 2 years for me to want to start interacting and being social again. Snoop that was my baby/daughter. My best friend. She'll always have a piece of my heart that feels like was ripped out the day I had to lay her to rest. I'm not trying to say one loss is greater than the other but it IS different with everyone. John was me. I was him. I was the female version of him and he was a male version of me. We were 1. I know there's a heaven bc I've seen it when I died. So ik I'll see him again in heaven.  But if there is reincarnation I SOOO hope I find him in the next life. We were meant to be together. Our souls are intertwined. His bday is the 30th. Things seem to hit me harder bc of a cpl reasons. 1 I wear my heart on my sleeve.  2 my mental diagnosis. 3 I'm very empathetic. When I see someone hurt or get hurt it literally hurts me as well. I feel their pain.  I feel their injury or feelings. And it breaks my heart with and for them. I seem to be so sensitive. Idk if that may be the PTSD in me. Like I have a panic attack but it's with feelings. A feeling attack 😕.  I saw a post on fb that was about a soldier who got orders to go overseas and they had to surrender their fur baby and they actually put the poor baby on the euthanasia list. I saw that and tears started pouring. I couldn't believe that someone who is serving our country. They had no choice but to give their baby up to serve and protect our country and freedoms and you're going to kill their dog. I cried so hard for hours. Tears streaming down my face. I had to hit my sister up and beg her to tell me that baby got adopted. She told me yes it had. But that WHOLE  situation broke my heart. Even after she reassured me that the baby had been adopted I still couldn't quit crying 😭. It just killed me. Is this "normal". If there is even anything that IS considered "normal". @widower2 @KayCcan yall understand what im saying.  Do I I make any sense at all.  I'm confused about myself. I'm confused as to my intense feelings. Is it bc I've had so much trauma and loss in my life. Maybe it is the PTSD and all the other mental diagnosis. I just want John back. I was still emotional and wore my heart on my sleeve but NOTHING like I am since he's been gone.

[KayC]

Yes, unfortunately, it makes sense...what should never have happened.  I am so sorry.  You have had way too much to deal with.  Nearly everyone in my family is gone to, husband, many fur babies, many friends, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, favorite cousin, niece and nephew, and the couple of siblings left I RARELY hear from.

And I get it, your John is my George...we always got each other.

[WithoutHer]

@Goforth860 You're sensitivity is not unusual or unexpected at all. I recently wrote my own short post about myself experiencing just that . And your story is so overwhelming. Also I am just as sensitive about that puppy issue as you and completely understand. No it's not you it's entirely normal. But like I read between the lines of your post that word normal  has had no place in describing my life as it is. The new normal doesn't work for me.