I am not okay

[Shi0425]

My boyfriend and his son died in a car accident on the highway. The rcmp said it wasn't his fault.  Someone crossed the double line and he swerved - what sucks is that we were on FaceTime and I saw the accident and I heard everything. I heard him take his last breath I heard his young son crying and telling his older brother to wake up.  I will never forget these sounds and words of the the civilians saying this man needs cpr -  then to hang up knowing that someone from his family needed to know and to be there for his son!   I hated pressing end knowing that was the last conversation or call I would ever make to my love! 
 

I am not OK and I don't know what to do . 

we had only started dating just 3 months ago we had kids from previous relationships and our schedules were opposites   When we first started talking I said to him. Watch us meet and we fall I love but can't see eachother. 
 

we made it work - I met a lot of His family and his boys.  He treated me like I was the only one for him.  We talked everyday all day.  He was my wake up call and my goodnight call or text.  Sometimes leaving the phone on while we slept. 
 

  I never got to tell him I loved him.  But I did so much.    
 

I was the last face he saw. And I hate that I never get to see his again. 

[KayC]

OMG, what a shocking horrid thing to happen, I am so sorry for your loss!  We welcome you here, a place where others get it and uderstand.  My heart goes out to you.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

16 hours ago, Shi0425 said:

  I never got to tell him I loved him.  But I did so much.    
 

I was the last face he saw. And I hate that I never get to see his again. 

How horrible to be on FaceTime and witness the accident. I am sorry for your loss.

Being present and being the one who survived is so hard. My husband had liver cancer and elected to do home hospice. He passed in the middle of the night when my adult daughter was giving him medicine. It is still hard for her to deal with 3 years later.

i was asleep on the couch next to his hospital bed when this happened. She sat up and she says “pretended we were sleeping together.”  I feel bad I was not with him and that she had to experience it.

Glad you have found our community. There are lots of caring people here and I hope you find some comfort.

[Smalls1313]

On 7/21/2024 at 9:56 PM, Shi0425 said:

My boyfriend and his son died in a car accident on the highway. The rcmp said it wasn't his fault.  Someone crossed the double line and he swerved - what sucks is that we were on FaceTime and I saw the accident and I heard everything. I heard him take his last breath I heard his young son crying and telling his older brother to wake up.  I will never forget these sounds and words of the the civilians saying this man needs cpr -  then to hang up knowing that someone from his family needed to know and to be there for his son!   I hated pressing end knowing that was the last conversation or call I would ever make to my love! 
 

I am not OK and I don't know what to do . 

we had only started dating just 3 months ago we had kids from previous relationships and our schedules were opposites   When we first started talking I said to him. Watch us meet and we fall I love but can't see eachother. 
 

we made it work - I met a lot of His family and his boys.  He treated me like I was the only one for him.  We talked everyday all day.  He was my wake up call and my goodnight call or text.  Sometimes leaving the phone on while we slept. 
 

  I never got to tell him I loved him.  But I did so much.    
 

I was the last face he saw. And I hate that I never get to see his again. 

Everything you said about your relationship reminds me of mine. We were 9 months. Adored eachother. He died a week ago tomorrow. A week ago today we were at dinner and later met up with friends. He died the next morning.  His daughter and I found him dead. Cold to the touch. I check for a pulse and nothing. I gave him one last kiss on the cheek before emergency came. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, very hard. 

I include this article I wrote at ten years out, after reading thousands of posts from people who've lost their spouse...mine has been gone 19 years Father's Day.  The hardest thing I've been through and I have lost nearly everyone.  I hope it will help you...it's meant to save and refer to now and then on your grief journey, as it evolves and what hits you now will be different later on.

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.