I made it through the service

[ElaineG]

Well, I made it through the service yesterday and traveled back home today. It was a very hard day, but so many people showed up to love and support me. More than I expected. One of his co-workers that I knew he was close to flew all the way from Texas to NJ to be at the service. I was floored! Anyway, I got through it somehow and now the hard part begins. The silence is already deafening. I miss my husband so much.

[KayC]

How nice that people thought so much of him that he'd fly all the way from TX to be there!  My husband had a packed church, the mayor, homeless, neighbors, you name it, the lives he touched...

You're in my thoughts today.

[ceejaybee]

ElaineG - I thought about you many times yesterday, wondering how it went.  I even Googled the driving distance between MD and NJ to see what kind of a trip you had to endure.   Glad to hear you made it through.  Was it difficult for you or comforting?  Will your husband's remains be interred in New Jersey or near you?  

As for arrangements here............

His daughter and I picked up his ashes on Wednesday afternoon.  When I held his ashes on my lap as I was driven home on Wednesday it did not at all feel like it was him.  He is all around me now.  His consciousness is around me knowing my thoughts and I honor that.  The love endures even if the body does not.

Internment will be at a national veterans cemetery at a small, private ceremony for family, including me.  (As soon as we can get a time slot at the cemetery).

In a couple months, there will be a celebration of life held at a much larger venue.  (It's what he wanted and detailed in his will.)   

I'm following you now so I'll see when you post. 

Thinking of you.

 ceejaybee

[BohoKat]

3 hours ago, ElaineG said:

Anyway, I got through it somehow and now the hard part begins. The silence is already deafening. I miss my husband so much.

I am glad you made it through the service. Your situation sounded really hard.

The silence continues to kill me even 3 years later. Background noise can be helpful. I use streaming on TV, Spotify music on my phone, and a white noise machine. It would drive some people crazy, but I keep the volume low and find it soothing.

Another thing that helps is routine. Concentrating on tasks can help keep your mind focused even if it’s something small like making the bed every morning. This especially important if you’re alone at home and not working.

i wish you peace and strength as you deal with your grief.

[mmosier]

Oh God the silence. When it's real silent I think I can hear my wife. So Sad. I dislike the silence. I try and keep the TV on all day.

 

 Michael

[widower2]

6 hours ago, ElaineG said:

Well, I made it through the service yesterday and traveled back home today. It was a very hard day, but so many people showed up to love and support me. More than I expected. One of his co-workers that I knew he was close to flew all the way from Texas to NJ to be at the service. I was floored! Anyway, I got through it somehow and now the hard part begins. The silence is already deafening. I miss my husband so much.

Props on surviving that...take it a day at a time. Re the silence, there's no cure-all, but fight that SOB however you can. Yeah my TV is on 24/7. Keep busy as you're able, keep connected to people, get out of the house any way you can (visit with family/friends, day trips, shop, anything). 

[ElaineG]

14 hours ago, ceejaybee said:

ElaineG - I thought about you many times yesterday, wondering how it went.  I even Googled the driving distance between MD and NJ to see what kind of a trip you had to endure.   Glad to hear you made it through.  Was it difficult for you or comforting?  Will your husband's remains be interred in New Jersey or near you?  

As for arrangements here............

His daughter and I picked up his ashes on Wednesday afternoon.  When I held his ashes on my lap as I was driven home on Wednesday it did not at all feel like it was him.  He is all around me now.  His consciousness is around me knowing my thoughts and I honor that.  The love endures even if the body does not.

Internment will be at a national veterans cemetery at a small, private ceremony for family, including me.  (As soon as we can get a time slot at the cemetery).

In a couple months, there will be a celebration of life held at a much larger venue.  (It's what he wanted and detailed in his will.)   

I'm following you now so I'll see when you post. 

Thinking of you.

 ceejaybee

I will keep my husband’s ashes with me until I am ready to scatter them. It took me about 3 years with my first husband before I was ready and then , me, his two sons and his sister scattered his ashes in the ocean because he was an avid fisherman. With Michael, I’m not sure yet, he was in the navy and loved serving, so perhaps the ocean, but he and I loved hiking together in the mountains, so somewhere in the mountains might be more appropriate. I have years to decide.

The service was very comforting.

Today is my 50th birthday. I have to endure all the “Happy Birthdays!” when all I want to do is crawl under the covers and cry.

[ceejaybee]

1 hour ago, ElaineG said:

Today is my 50th birthday. I have to endure all the “Happy Birthdays!” when all I want to do is crawl under the covers and cry.

Then just crawl under the covers and cry.  Elaine, you've just endured what, arguably, is the worst thing any living spouse ever goes through.  And for the second time.  Please give yourself permission to just BE today.  It's hard to imagine you have the personal resources to do anything more.  

I know there is nothing that can make this birthday a happy one for you, so I won't wish it.  My wish for you, instead is to find a small modicum of peace and grace today.  It would be a small but needed gift.  

[KayC]

3 hours ago, ElaineG said:

Today is my 50th birthday. I have to endure all the “Happy Birthdays!” when all I want to do is crawl under the covers and cry.

My heart goes out to you, I can't count the holidays and birthdays that weren't over the years. 50s are good years, in spite of not thinking so...beats 70s and up.  I hope you eat some cake and ice cream even if you fix it yourself.

All I have is Keto recipes but this one takes 75 seconds in my 1200 watt microwave, super good with chocolate syrup and whipping cream on it!  Ice cream would be even better!  And I won't say happy birthday, just that I hope the day goes better...

Keto Chocolate Mug Cake

Add some peanut butter too, Microwave 75 seconds
2 ½ net carbs
#recipe

[ceejaybee]

Elaine G - 

Checking in to see how you're doing - it's been 3+ weeks for us both now.  And you have attended your dear one's memorial service.  

I never asked you yet, but do you have a job that you must go to?  If so, will you be expected to go back to work soon?  Many people feel once the memorial is over, we should get on with our lives.  SO not true - particularly in the case of a sudden death.

Memorial for my dear departed won't be held until Sept 20th.  Just family and me.  Celebration of life won't be until October.  When my first husband died 23 years ago, I had the service 7 days after his death which helped accommodate many of his east coast family members.   Looking back, I'm glad I did.  This time around, I'm not in charge of arrangements, his adult daughter is.  I realize she had to accommodate the veteran's cemetery schedule, but somehow waiting this long feels like something is unfinished and won't be finished until October.  It just makes me a little sad..............

[ElaineG]

18 hours ago, ceejaybee said:

Elaine G - 

Checking in to see how you're doing - it's been 3+ weeks for us both now.  And you have attended your dear one's memorial service.  

I never asked you yet, but do you have a job that you must go to?  If so, will you be expected to go back to work soon?  Many people feel once the memorial is over, we should get on with our lives.  SO not true - particularly in the case of a sudden death.

Memorial for my dear departed won't be held until Sept 20th.  Just family and me.  Celebration of life won't be until October.  When my first husband died 23 years ago, I had the service 7 days after his death which helped accommodate many of his east coast family members.   Looking back, I'm glad I did.  This time around, I'm not in charge of arrangements, his adult daughter is.  I realize she had to accommodate the veteran's cemetery schedule, but somehow waiting this long feels like something is unfinished and won't be finished until October.  It just makes me a little sad..............

Good morning, CeeJay,

I’m sorry I didn’t respond yesterday. My sister in law from my first marriage is here visiting me this weekend, so I took a break from electronics yesterday. 

I will be returning to work tomorrow. I’ll be easing my way back in. Probably working part time next week. I think it will be good for me. I’ve worked at my job for almost 25 years and so have many of my colleagues, so they are more like friends and family than colleagues. They have been taking good care of me throughout all of this.

I can understand why it is difficult to wait so long for the memorial service. I also know the VA takes a very long time and that can be quite painful. I am so sorry you have to wait so long and can appreciate how difficult it is to wait for that “closure”.

With my first husband, we didn’t have a service of any kind. His family just didn’t do them and we felt, when he was sick, everyone who knew and loved him was able to come and pay their respects and say goodbye to him in person while he was still with us.

This time, because Michael died so suddenly and has younger children, including one with special needs, I felt it was important to hold a service pretty quickly so everyone would have the chance to gather and say goodbye.

I hope you have a peaceful day today.

[KayC]

Thank you for the update!  Enjoy the last bit of time with your SIL...will be thinking of you as you ease back into work.

[ceejaybee]

Elaine,

Glad you could spend some time with your SIL this weekend.  Visits at a time like this bring us outside our own heads for a while - something we need to do more and more as we go through this grief.  I'm also glad to hear you have 'family' at your workplace - what a gift.  They will look after you and will be understanding of your need to ease back into work.  

I really admire the fact that you're heading back to work so soon.  You're a brave woman.  (I'm retired but I plan to return to my volunteer work this week.  A baby step compared to returning to full time employment but it's something.)

It seems like I can hold things together fairly well now - EXCEPT when someone shows me kindness.  When I run into acquaintances who hadn't yet heard about my loss, they immediately hug me and show so much love.  THAT'S when I tear up and start crying.  Of course, then they feel they've made me cry and they feel bad.  So I then try to make them feel better.  Kind of crazy.  Does this happen to you too?

[ElaineG]

51 minutes ago, ceejaybee said:

Elaine,

Glad you could spend some time with your SIL this weekend.  Visits at a time like this bring us outside our own heads for a while - something we need to do more and more as we go through this grief.  I'm also glad to hear you have 'family' at your workplace - what a gift.  They will look after you and will be understanding of your need to ease back into work.  

I really admire the fact that you're heading back to work so soon.  You're a brave woman.  (I'm retired but I plan to return to my volunteer work this week.  A baby step compared to returning to full time employment but it's something.)

It seems like I can hold things together fairly well now - EXCEPT when someone shows me kindness.  When I run into acquaintances who hadn't yet heard about my loss, they immediately hug me and show so much love.  THAT'S when I tear up and start crying.  Of course, then they feel they've made me cry and they feel bad.  So I then try to make them feel better.  Kind of crazy.  Does this happen to you too?

So far I’ve only been around people who have been around me since this happened, but as I get back to work, I anticipate the same thing. It’s so impossibly hard being in our shoes. The words everyone says are starting to drive me crazy. “There are no words to express…”, “I am so incredibly sorry…” No, there literally are no words to express and I know you’re sorry, but you can’t possibly understand. It’s all painful. I actually did receive a really sweet note today. Michael was going to college to get a degree in environmental sciences. He was passionate about the environment and climate change. Anyway, I had alerted his guidance counselor and I received a note from her today that read “In one of my first conversations with Michael, I asked why he moved from NJ to MD and he answered ‘I fell madly in love’.” That touched me deeply. Better than “I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words.”

[ceejaybee]

You are SO right.  There are absolutely no words.  Those who haven't experienced the loss of a partner cannot possibly understand your pain.   The pain each of us experiences is different.  Our love for our partner is unique, so, too, is our grief.   I learned (and no doubt you did too) from your first husband's passing, that nothing anyone can say can make it better.   On the other hand, the guidance counselor's comment was very sweet and I certainly understand how it touched you. 

I recall from when I lost my first husband, my mentor and former boss wrote me a wonderful letter reminding me how strong she knew I was and to call on that strength to get through this loss.  This from a woman who lost both her parents in a car crash when she was young.  It arrived at exactly the time I needed that strength and I still have her letter today.  

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow when you return to work.  Expect overwhelming support because I'm sure it awaits you.

 

 

[ceejaybee]

Elaine,

How did your first week at work go?

Thinking of you.

 

Quote

 

 

[ceejaybee]

Hi Elaine - 

I've been thinking about you a lot this week.  I hope you're OK.  By now, you've likely returned to your workplace, at least some of the time.  How did you do when your co-workers saw you?  When they show kindness, express their sorrow for you or give you hugs.  Do you tear up like I do?

Yesterday marked 8 weeks since my love passed - tomorrow is 8 weeks since you lost your beloved husband.  How are you holding up?  Have you visited a doctor or therapist to help with the grief?  Please know you are still in my prayers - it breaks my heart that you've had to go through this experience again considering how young you still are.  

If you get a chance, please check in and let me know how it's going for you now that 8 weeks have passed.

Sending love and healing thoughts your way,

ceejaybee