Expressing Sorrow

[Lulu_75]

I was asked, how are you holding up? As a grieving mother, I made the mistake of answering.  After my daughter died, my heart no longer beat the same way. I wanted to follow her and my pain still desires to do so. My statement was interpreted as a desire to harm myself. The thought of doing such a thing never crossed my mind. My words were simply an expression of my unimaginable sorrow.  I'm tired of being asked that question because expressing my grief will not help a person who hasn't lost a child grasp the depth of my pain. 

[KayC]

Your answer is any way you prefer, from looking blank and turning away, to saying "who said I'm holding up" to anything that comes, there is no easy answer to such a question nor is any answer required.

(((hugs)))

[WilderPappy]

Lulu. I am sorry for your loss and understand your comments. I too am asked often how I am doing and depends on the moment as to how I respond. Losing a child is the most god-awful thing to happen to anyone. Period. The pain and emptiness in beyond description or understanding unless you have experienced it. People just cannot conceive what has happened to us or frankly how to understand it. I really would prefer the casual greeting of "How are you?" be exiled to the depths of hell as that being just a well-meaning casual greeting to most is a gut-wrenching reflection of our struggle and pain. I don't respond any longer. Just Hi if needed. 

If I am asked the holding up question, usually my replay is I'm not I'm just surviving. Because that's all I am doing. Waking up to exist and sleep only to begin again the next morning. With mindless tasks filling the day between sad thoughts and weeping. It has only been a couple of months since my Wilder was taken from us and the outward emotions have dwindled but the inward pain and loss is just as strong as it was the night I was told he was gone and I held him in my arms in the ER. I have to save up tears, I guess. 

The only thing I can say to you is people are well meaning for the most part and especially if they know you and your family. They care enough to broach that awaked question but while this is true, they are ignorant of the situation and its effects on us. Many friends had expressed concern for me and my family at the time of the event and very few if any have followed up as they said they would. Just either they didn't really mean it, or they don't know how or are worried their words may cause pain.

Your comments to the person were valid and only someone in this situation would understand. Like I said I believe most people are well meaning but stupid at the same time.  My 2 pennies between the tears. 

[MistyN]

Lulu, I know exactly what you mean..My work place gotten a wave of new people that joined our department so they don't know of my pain and sorrow, but the few old colleagues that does asked me those same questions when I see them. I don't want to go through a mental breakdown at work so I've decided not to tell the new people, just so I can avoid those questions. When I do come across those questions it's like a reminder of how awful my life is without my boy. It hurts. It sucks. That's all there is to it. I find myself rambling in awkwardness by trying to avoid telling them how I really feel, yet while trying to not make it too light. This is all too exhausting..

[DestinysMa]

I understand completely. 

To be honest, I always told my daughters if anything happens to them they will need to dig me a grave as well... But here I am, just "hanging in there" . I have no idea what else to tell people. Because that's all I'm doing, barely hanging on. 

I am missing my baby girl something terrible, but also trying to be there for her sister and my husband.