Grieving two different partners 23 years apart.

[ceejaybee]

First, I apologize if a thread similar to this one appears elsewhere.  If a similar thread exists, please let me know and I'll go there.  

I am 12 days into deep grief over the loss of my partner of 6 years.  This after having lost my loving husband 23 years ago at the age of 51.   I loved both of these men with all my heart and each and every loss is devastating.  Is anyone out there in a similar situation?  It took me 17 years after the loss of my husband before I was blessed with another partner.  Now he is gone too.  

Is there anyone out there who has travelled this road not just once but twice?  

[KayC]

No need to go elsewhere, you are fine.   I am so sorry for your losses.  I'm sure there are others, not sure who, maybe they'll read this and chime in.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[ceejaybee]

Thank you Kay C.  I appreciate your reply.  Your tips to make your way through grief is a very well thought out guide and one that rings true from my initial experience of deep grief.  The second time through is certainly different especially because it's 23 years later.  I'd like to think I've gained a lot of wisdom from my experiences over those years including loss of my parents, friends and my own journey through cancer.  But I have to admit to a bit of PTSD this time around, especially in these early days.  I guess that's expected.

 

[DWS]

My heart truly goes out to you on such a tremendous loss. With it being so very early, I imagine you are still in shock and like so many of us in the early stages, your thoughts are all over the place. In answer to your inquiry, there is someone on this forum that currently and sadly has lost her second husband. Here is her topic from just two days ago.

 

[ElaineG]

Hello, I am the woman DWS linked above. It is absolutely devastating to go through this again. I lost my first husband 8 years ago and my second 10 days ago very unexpectedly. I don’t have words to share right now. But please know that you are not alone in this. 

[ceejaybee]

THANK YOU DWS FOR CONNECTING US

Elaine - 

First, I am so terribly, terribly sorry for your losses - both of them.  Your young age makes it even harder for me to imagine what you're going through.  First, please know two things.  You are not alone - I'm out here feeling some of your pain (who can possibly feel it all) and secondly, you WILL get through this. 

It is so very early for us that it is impossible to see any future but we both know that the passage of time will ease a bit of the hopelessness that we feel right now.  Briefly, my first loss was my husband, 23 years ago.  I was 48 yrs old at the time, he was 51 and died of a heart attack.  I got a call at 3:30am telling me that he had passed.  We were deeply in love and had a happy life

The devastation I experienced when he died is beyond description.  Then, six years ago I met another wonderful man (while volunteering) and fell in love for the second time in my life.   I lost him on July 3rd, 12 days ago.  He had been diagnosed with cancer but was undergoing cancer treatment and we were given hope that the treatments would lead to a number of good years ahead.  On July 1 things started turning bad and he died 48 hours later.  

We've had similar experiences and are currently in the early stages of loss and grief.  We are connected by our life experiences.  

At this point,  it's a 'one day at a time' struggle.  Please lean on those friends and family who support you.  And please, please, see your doctor who might be able to prescribe something for you to help you through this.  Remember, having experienced this before, there is PTSD that we're struggling with that few here know or understand. 

[ElaineG]

Thank you for sharing with me CeeJayBee. 
 

I was married to my first husband for 22 years. He passed away from pancreatic cancer. It was awful. He was diagnosed and died 3 weeks later. I actually met my current husband while working through that grief. He was going through a terrible divorce and I was grieving my husband’s death. It took years, but we did end up falling in love and we married September 2021. On July 5th we were out to lunch. We were actually leaving lunch when he had a heart attack. He died in my arms in the street. It was so unexpected and horrifying. He was only 54. Yes, the PTSD from going through it twice within a decade is excruciating. I do plan on seeing my dr about it and finding a good therapist. 

[ceejaybee]

Elaine -

I can't even imagine what you went through on July 5th.  That is beyond horrific and my heart aches for you.  You are a strong woman, there is no doubt.

I have a doctor's appointment soon so I can't write much right now, but I will monitor this thread frequently going forward.  I truly want to hear from you and I truly care.

I have to think that you're still in shock right now.  Remembering my own shock when I learned of my husband's death (he was overseas at the time).  Ten days  .isn't nearly enough time to process much of anything.  Are you alone?  Is there someone who is with you?  Is someone looking after you?  Are there any children or step-children involved?

 

  

[ElaineG]

I have my parents with me and friends and family are stopping by and checking in with me. I’m alone today, but it’s actually good because it’s the first I have able to just breathe since it happened. My husband has 2 children but they live out of state. I do not have children.
 

I hope you have loved ones with you. Do you have children nearby?

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, ElaineG said:

I have my parents with me and friends and family are stopping by and checking in with me. I’m alone today, but it’s actually good because it’s the first I have able to just breathe since it happened. My husband has 2 children but they live out of state. I do not have children.
 

I hope you have loved ones with you. Do you have children nearby?

I'm one of those with no one. No children from prior marriages. Had 3 step children but they never kept touch after the divorce because there was no money to be had.

[ElaineG]

I have 2 step children from my first marriage who were super close with me (I thought), because I helped raise them for 22 years, but they quickly disappeared after their father died. My current husband also has 2 sons, but they live in NJ and we live in MD, so I didn’t have a strong bond with them. I expect after the service this Friday, I will not see them again. 

[KayC]

I hope that does not happen and that the kids remember you for the good life that you gave them together. I don't hear much from my own kids but we were super close when they were growing up. They get busy with their own lives and working.

[ElaineG]

I think it’s just natural. Their relationship was with their dad, not me (and that’s completely fine). We were only married almost 3 years, so not a whole lot of time spent together as a family. While I care deeply for his kids and their wellbeing through all of this, I’m not really grieving that part of it (at least not yet).

[KayC]

You are an understanding and good person.

[ceejaybee]

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Elaine -

I'm back from the doctor now and just read the other posts in this thread.  When I asked if you had children or step-children it was from a place of concern that perhaps you are not being looked after and were alone.  The focus in on you and on getting through today.  At this point in our grief, we're still putting one foot in front of the other and living day to day.

I'm glad to know your parents are there.  They can be very comforting.    When my husband died 23 years ago, my parents were my lifeboats.  In their 70s they didn't hesitate to climb on a plane and fly cross-country the moment I called them and they stayed for 10 days.  But I also understand that at some point, you need to be alone.  Sometimes the chatter, activity and kindness just become overwhelming.  I guess what I'm saying here is that only you know what you need right now.  If it's having others around, great.  If you need some alone time, just tell everyone you need to be alone.  Go in your room, shut the door.  Cry into your pillow, pound on your mattress.  Or just be.  

To answer your question, I have two stepchildren from my first marriage and now, 23 years later, we are still fairly close.  (Their bio-mother is messed up so, when their father died, I kind of became an adopted mom to them.)  We are all spread out from north to south in California but I get everyone (including grandkids) together for a few days in a beach house every year.    

Can I please reiterate how important I think it is to see your doctor as soon as you can?  Mine has been a godsend in prescribing something that levels out my emotions and, more importantly, prevents my thoughts from spiraling down and keeps me from looking too far forward.  Staying in the moment is what will get us through this.

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[ElaineG]

Thank you, CeeJay. I understood what you meant. I was replying to WithoutHer with the information about the stepkids.

I hope you also have support as you navigate this difficult time. 
 

I will definitely get to the dr. Promise. 

[ceejaybee]

Elaine,

Please know I'm thinking of you as you face tomorrow's service for your dear husband.  I hope you find comfort, no matter how big or small, in knowing how much others loved him.

[ElaineG]

Thank you, CeeJay. I am on my way to NJ now. I have been thinking of you as well. I hope you are holding up okay.

[ceejaybee]

On 7/15/2024 at 5:59 AM, ElaineG said:

Elaine,

I've been thinking of you a lot in the past few days.  How are you holding up?  Is anyone still staying with you now that your dear husband's services have been held?  

Please let me know because I care.  

 

[ElaineG]

52 minutes ago, ceejaybee said:

 

Good morning, CeeJay,

I have been thinking about you as well. I was planning on dropping you a message today to check in on you.

I’m doing okay. No one is staying with me right now, but I have some family coming to visit this weekend. I really don’t mind it. I’m very introverted, so it’s actually nice to have some alone time. I’m keeping busy as I am able getting affairs in order. I take lots of breaks and rest. I have family and friends who are checking in on me daily, so while I’m alone, I’m not without connection.

How are you doing?  I’ve been thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers. I know right now it’s probably hour by hour, day by day.

[ceejaybee]

Elaine,

Good to know you're doing OK.  And even though I wouldn't consider myself an introvert, I too, welcome the alone time.  I'm still at a point where I keep some kind of noise going, TV, radio, podcasts, etc. most of the time.  I can't say I watch or listen to much of it though.  

There's still a big part of me that isn't letting the entirety of the death in yet.  I think it's the mind/body's way of easing us into the reality of our life going forward.  Still, with my doctor's help, I'm feeling fairly steady and able to cope with the day.  

Last Thursday and again yesterday, I joined a few of my friends for lunch which, surprisingly to me, was uplifting and helpful.  We all take some classes together and although I haven't yet rejoined the classes, I'm thinking I might do so late next week.  It's a good distraction. 

Please keep posting if you can.  I care about how you're getting along and it helps me to connect with someone, like myself, who has been through this awful life experience twice.

 

[ElaineG]

I completely understand where you are. After the service last week I went over to my cousin’s house and all my cousins, aunts, uncles who were at the service sat together and chatted for a while. It was so nice to sit with loved ones and tell stories and just kind of put my grief down for a bit. We’re allowed to do that.

I also understand about not letting the totality in yet. I agree with you 100% that our body and mind can’t take it in all at once. 

Hang in there and know that a complete stranger all the way across the country is thinking of you and caring about how you’re doing. I will keep in touch.

[ElaineG]

Hi CeeJay,

I just wanted to check in and see how you’re holding up. Has it helped getting back to your volunteer work? Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you.

 

[ceejaybee]

Elaine G - 

We must have been sending each other brain waves because I just posted to you on your other thread about an hour or two ago!  I wanted to know how your first week back at work went.

Thank you for checking in - I'm hanging in there.  I was able to ease into my volunteer job last week thanks to a long-time colleague who offered for me to tag along on a tour he was leading.  Normally, I'd be leading the tour but it takes a lot of energy and concentration to talk for over 2 hours straight as I walk a group of 10 or 15 people around the museum.  Everyone was very sweet and welcomed me back.

So, how DID your first week go?

 

[ElaineG]

It’s been good getting back to work. I’m still working from home for the time being. I may venture in for one day next week. I’ve been taking it slow and taking breaks or leaving early as needed. I’m being as kind to myself as I can be. It is still really rough coming to terms with everything. The weight of the sadness is really heavy, but I am hanging in there. 
 

I’m glad you were able to ease back into your volunteer work without overwhelming yourself. What sort of museum are you a docent for? 

[ceejaybee]

Hi Elaine - I think you are very lucky to be able to work from home, allowing yourself to ease into office visits when you're up to it.  I've found (as I think you have) that deep grief can be terribly exhausting so having some degree of control over your work demands and location is helpful.  (Especially when it feels like we have control over little else.)

I'm doing OK - lately the anger part of grief is setting in.  Anger at having the light of my life extinguished when I thought we'd live out our senior years together.   I miss him so very much right now, the house is so quiet.  He brought so much happiness to me.  I know I'm being selfish at feeling anger, but there it is.  It just seems so unfair that a man so vibrant and loved by so many would be yanked from my lives.  Intellectually I know that this anger will pass, but my heart hasn't gotten the message yet.

To answer your question, I volunteer at a US Navy museum.  My colleagues have been wonderful offering sympathy.  Funny thing  though, I find that my tears start whenever someone shows me kindness.  So whenever I get a hug and words of condolence, the tears well up in my eyes.  I feel bad because they think they're making me cry but it's just me.  

I've been getting out for much more exercise in the past couple weeks - something I didn't do for the first week or two.  It helps.

Sorry this reply to you is  a couple weeks late.  I was watching the wrong thread for your reply.

Please know that you have a grief-friend on the west coast who is rooting (and praying) for you (and for us both).  We're traveling paths that started just 48 hours apart and it's some how comforting to know you're there, slowing inching along our path to healing.  We've both got huge holes in our heart and since we've been down this road before, we both know that hole never heals.  Instead, we slowly grow around it and the hole becomes a smaller part of the larger person we  become.

Thinking of you.

 

[KayC]

I think we're able to follow somebody and get an email when they post.