Going Through a Hard Time

[ElaineG]

I am going through a very hard time and just need to post for some support. I was married to my first husband for 22 years. He passed away a little over 8 years ago from cancer. It was a very sad time. I met a wonderful man a few years ago and we married in 2021. We bought a house and have been extraordinarily happy together. Last Friday, July 5th, he had a heart attack and died in my arms. His memorial service will take place next Friday and then on Sunday, I will turn 50. I feel like I am so young to have all of this happen. I have lots of friends and family supporting me right now, but I’m so sad and scared about the future.

[KayC]

 

Welcome to our site  I am so sorry for your losses.  My husband and I met in our mid 40s and he passed away 6 1/2 years later, he'd just turned 51.  You are young, sometimes life just isn't fair.   I hope you will continue to come here to read and post and know you are not alone.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Bou]

On 7/13/2024 at 5:17 PM, ElaineG said:

I am going through a very hard time and just need to post for some support. I was married to my first husband for 22 years. He passed away a little over 8 years ago from cancer. It was a very sad time. I met a wonderful man a few years ago and we married in 2021. We bought a house and have been extraordinarily happy together. Last Friday, July 5th, he had a heart attack and died in my arms. His memorial service will take place next Friday and then on Sunday, I will turn 50. I feel like I am so young to have all of this happen. I have lots of friends and family supporting me right now, but I’m so sad and scared about the future.

Sorry for your loss.  

[BohoKat]

My deepest condolences at your double loss. It seems so unfair to find a second love and lose him as well. It is a lot at your young age.

I lost my husband of 32 years 3 years ago. I have been toying with the idea of online dating but a situation like yours is stopping me cold. I’m barely  surviving grieving my husband. I know fear is not what should be driving me — I’m only 58 — but I can’t imagine going through it a second time. 

Sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom right now but I do wish  you peace and strength in your struggles with this.

[ElaineG]

32 minutes ago, BohoKat said:

My deepest condolences at your double loss. It seems so unfair to find a second love and lose him as well. It is a lot at your young age.

I lost my husband of 32 years 3 years ago. I have been toying with the idea of online dating but a situation like yours is stopping me cold. I’m barely  surviving grieving my husband. I know fear is not what should be driving me — I’m only 58 — but I can’t imagine going through it a second time. 

Sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom right now but I do wish  you peace and strength in your struggles with this.

Thank you, BohoKat. Honestly, it didn’t cross my mind that this would happen a second time and certainly not so soon. To lose two husbands like this in the span of 8 years has been devastating. But what’s funny is, not that I’m anywhere near this point yet, I think I’d still do it all over again because love is really all there is, right? I hope one day, when you’re ready, you find love again. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

ElaineG, so very sorry for your loss, twice,  and my condolences.  I cannot imagine going through that more than once.  You must be made of stern stuff, sterner than I.  

BoHoCat’s comments mirror my own thoughts that I shared a few months ago on a similar topic, that of dating again.  Perhaps I am being selfish, but I don’t think I could go through that pain again.  But I am just one year into this journey and, as you so aptly describe, none of what you experienced a second time was planned.  I know a few people who experienced loss and, over the years, developed new and loving relationships.  I am glad you were able to find that love twice in your lifetime.  

[Roxeanne]

20 minutes ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

 I am glad you were able to find that love twice in your lifetime.  

That is important! Find true love again after a devastating loss is amazing...

no one can predict the future and i'm sure that everyone of us would willing to take the risk  if  only we found a true love again!

Elain is so sad and hard lose two loving men, but you was so lucky to have them in your life! In the middle of your hard pain remember all the love you have too!

Hope it can be a comfort for you now..

[KayC]

13 hours ago, ElaineG said:

I think I’d still do it all over again because love is really all there is, right?

I feel the same although after 19 years widowed and living alone, I've given up on having someone else long ago, George's love keeps me going.  I'm happy for those who do though!

7 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

In the middle of your hard pain remember all the love you have too!

Yes, that sustains me!