Lack of support after parent passing

[ammerz]

Hello all, I'm new here. I need to find a place I could express my grief and find support and understanding. 

My Mom passed away January 28th 2023, she was 62. It was unexpected and defintely traumatic to watch. She got sick over the years and always bounced back till the last time she got sick, it was too serious and she couldn't recover from it. The hospital had sent her home while my sibling lived with her and was her caregiver and I helped with all that I could aswell. I watched her waste away in a hospital bed to nothing, she was 50 pounds at the end, and was actively dieing it was heartbreaking to watch it all. She ended up back in the hospital 3 days before her passing, myself and my siblings were with her and we had to make the decision to keep her comfortable as the doctor said she was way too sick to come back from, which I knew, she also had a stroke while in there. They couldn't put her on life support because her body was way too small at this point and they told us that they wouldn't even be able to do CPR on her as they would be afraid they would Crack her chest. It was awful. So we kept her comfortable till her passing. 

I am married and up until my Mom's passing my husband was always great and supportive, we had a really good marriage. Then she passed and I felt like he completely changed on me. He came to the hospital right after she had passed was supportive at first while me and my siblings were in the room. Then when my sister had a hard time leaving her, which we all did, my husband got snippy about it and made a pretty jerk comment to just me, which I snapped back at, I just lost my Mom and your acting like that. But I let it go, figured it was hard for him to completely understand because he still has his parents. He was fine again through the funeral, but about a week later he went back to being that changed person and unfortunately still is since. 

He and I get into more arguments, and he's said some pretty hurtful things to me during them. During one of these arguments he talked about his Mom and then told me to go talk to my Mom, then said oh that's right you can't because she's dead. I was completely heart broken how does one say something like that to there wife a few months after losing there parent. He ended up apologizing for it but it's kind of stuck with me since. 

He won't hear me out even after all this time about my grief, I can't even talk about it around him, he tenses up and you can feel the uncomfortably off of him, and he would just basically dismiss me if I brought it up, or would start listening to me for a few minutes and then he would get heated and just start yelling, and basically tell me in not so many words to get over it and move on. 

So now I don't speak much on my grief or how much I truly miss my Mom. I keep it inside and just try to deal with it all on my own, because I really don't feel like I can talk to him about it at all, he also gets mad at me for not talking about it with him too, but I can't because his reaction to anything I say about it is always the same. I feel like it's just a lose, lose situation. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. He was my bestfriend and now I feel like it's not a safe space for me to discuss this all with him or even how I'm feeling. 

A week after her passing I went back to work, I've been putting one foot in front of the other and trying to live life as best as I can, but still have the days where the grief comes and takes me back to all of it, and it's hard, but I still get up everyday and do what I need to do. I feel so alone in this and the one person who I could go to with anything is no longer supportive. 

I also know that he couldn't possibly understand the loss, as he has his parents and I don't expect him too, I just didn't think I would be completely unsupported in this, and just expected to be the old me again. 

Has anyone else experienced this with there partner? And could give me some advice. I'm really struggling with this and not sure where to go from here. 

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, sending tons of love and hugs to all of you who have lost a parent aswell! 💕

[KayC]

I was engaged for a year to someone and when his mom was passing he broke up with me by Fed Ex at my job, no less!  It stunned me, one minute I was the most beautiful woman in the world and we would always be together, the next I was out.
My heart goes out to you!

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/07/in-grief-feeling-no-support-in-wake-of.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/grief-support-when-others-fail-to-meet.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html

[justme500]

I can't give advice but I am facing almost the same situation and it's making a the hardest thing I ever faced so much worse.  My husband loved my mom but he is angry because she lived with us and he found out she had more money than he thought.   God I wish she had none.  Now he is angry we have to split with anyone as we took care of her when none of the other family did.  I am getting no support and I'm not sure who to talk to. 

[Matthew48]

On 8/21/2024 at 2:32 PM, justme500 said:

I can't give advice but I am facing almost the same situation and it's making a the hardest thing I ever faced so much worse.  My husband loved my mom but he is angry because she lived with us and he found out she had more money than he thought.   God I wish she had none.  Now he is angry we have to split with anyone as we took care of her when none of the other family did.  I am getting no support and I'm not sure who to talk to. 

When money gets involved, things get ugly quick. 

My mother's sisters turned on me, my sister and my father because I asked them to be considerate and not put pictures of my mother on Facebook. They went against our wishes, and posted OVERBLOWN pictures of her (no joke -- can you believe that?).  I was in shock at their behavior. 

Isn't it something how people who did nothing to help with a loved one before their death suddenly have their hands out for all of the money due  them?

I give you my upmost compassion. It is awful when such things happen. I hope things get much brighter for you at some point. 

On 7/12/2024 at 10:06 AM, KayC said:

I was engaged for a year to someone and when his mom was passing he broke up with me by Fed Ex at my job, no less!  It stunned me, one minute I was the most beautiful woman in the world and we would always be together, the next I was out.
My heart goes out to you!

 

That's terrible! How did you get through that? God love you!

I don't like to hear things like that.

Peace and healing.

[KayC]

It was painful...Here I Go Again

[Matthew48]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

It was painful...Here I Go Again

Wow! I can see how you thought your life was, as you said, "just a bad joke."  You always talk about "being unable to catch your breath", and that "no one cares." I very much relate!  What hell you went through! I wish I had known you back then, so I could have at least responded on here.

You don't need to answer me (please don't feel obligated). But did/do you have trust issues today with everyday people? I could only imagine... 

[KayC]

I haven't gotten involved with a man in the 14 years since.  Yes, I still miss my husband.  That never stops.

[Matthew48]

Just now, KayC said:

I haven't gotten involved with a man in the 14 years since.  Yes, I still miss my husband.  That never stops.

Well, I can understand why.

Your story is powerful as it really shows us how bad things can get in life. Just when you think it can't get worse, it does. All that said, you're still here somehow.

I wish you deep peace, Kay. 

[KayC]

Thank you.  And it's people like you that make this journey gratifying.

[Matthew48]

On 8/26/2024 at 5:28 PM, KayC said:

Thank you.  And it's people like you that make this journey gratifying.

That was very touching, Kay. I am grateful for it. 

I am having a very, very hard time right now. I'm on vacation with my father and sister without my mother. It all feels so bizarre and unsettling. It's as if she should be here with us, enjoying and experiencing with us. Did I abandon her in a faraway land? It makes me so, so sad. The second year is beyond belief, because the shock starts to wear off after a year or so. 

Take good care. 

[KayC]

Enjoy your vacation, take her with you in your heart.

I lost my sister iver two years ago, I miss her terribly.  I went by her old house (which sold) and different vehicles there, ramp gone, her japenese artifacts and statues gone...it seems weird. So I guess I shouldn't go down her street. 

[Matthew48]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Enjoy your vacation, take her with you in your heart.

I lost my sister iver two years ago, I miss her terribly.  I went by her old house (which sold) and different vehicles there, ramp gone, her japenese artifacts and statues gone...it seems weird. So I guess I shouldn't go down her street. 

I know .... it's just hard hard sometimes...you just don't know what to do. You get through it somehow. Your heart feels like it's going to break in two. You just hope the pain lessens up over time.

Take good care, Kay. I know your pain.