Loss of my beautiful kitty

[LisaPr]

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I let my beautiful Lacey go three months ago and I'm still just so devastated. I keep wondering if I did the right thing. But at the same time nothing was going right for her. She had HCM for the last 5 years, maybe longer. She was stable until she developed hyperthyroidism 2 years ago. It was under control for awhile with medication. But as many of you know, this is a fatal disease that progresses. She could not have the cure (I-131) due to her heart. This past Dec. her thyroid went crazy and levels shot up, which threw her into congestive heart failure. We caught it early but all the medications she was on for her heart and thyroid made her incredibly sick, she wouldn't eat anymore no matter what I did. I syringe fed her 10 times a day but I was exhausted and couldn't keep that up, which was no life for her anyway. I have another elderly kitty with issues as well so I was getting no sleep and running on fumes. I got very sick myself. Lacey somehow injured herself in the middle of the night. I woke up thinking she had a blood clot as she couldn't walk. I rushed her to the ER and they found it was a soft tissue injury. But she was nearing 17, wasn't eating, felt nauseous and sick all the time from her conditions and her meds. And the only pain medication I could give her that wouldn't damage her kidneys because of her diuretics was gabapentin, which was making her heart race so fast and she was having tremors with all this. I made the heartbreaking decision that this wasn't living anymore and had Lap of Love come and end her suffering. It was a very peaceful and beautiful passing. At first I felt I did the right thing, and even typing this, I can see I did. But she was still trying to be there for me and my other kitty. She didn't want to leave us. And I chose to end her life because I didn't want her to have a heart attack in the middle of the night by herself or in the car driving an hour to the hospital. She was such a huge presence in my home, and I can't tell you how much I miss her. She was my healer when I lost both of my parents and my home all at the same time 7 years ago. I wanted to end it, and she refused to let me give up. I still have my boy who is 15 going on 16 with his own health issues, he's thankfully stable right now. But once he's gone I've made the heartbreaking decision not get anymore pets for many reasons. I'm not in good health myself and financially in bad shape, I can barely take care fo myself. That in itself will be so traumatic. But I miss her little coos, I miss her nose boops, I miss her loud purrs and big mouth waking me up in the morning. I just can't forgive myself. I feel like I should have been able to do more for her. And yet sometimes I wish I could just be with her. I miss my little girl so much. She loved me even when I didn't deserve it. My heart is absolutely crushed. And everyone expects me to be over it by now. I've had A LOT of losses in the last 10 years. Recently I lost my best friend of 42 years to cancer. I feel left behind and so tired of crying and feeling alone. Losing her just made everything so much worse. 

[KayC]

She is very beautiful!  I am so sorry you lost your kitty, I know how that feels, it's very hard.  My heart goes out to you.

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers
Euthanasia Decision
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 

[Choogy]

HELLO….Just want you to know that I totally can relate to how much time has passed and how your still hurting.I lost a very young cat suddenly on April 16th and every day I still  cry.I can’t stop looking at all the photos and videos of her as if I’m trying to punish myself by making myself cry.Like you everybody thinks I should be over it.I find I’ll try and talk about her at any given  opportunity and then stop because I’m thinking they really don’t want to hear it.

You did your best and I guess it just takes some of us a little longer.