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Feeling immense grief & regret - how do you know you made the right choice?


AshleyES

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AshleyES

I let my heart dog go on Sunday, July 7th, and I've had nothing but overwhelming regret and guilt since. How do I know I didn't let her go too soon?

She had a rough couple years - severely elevated liver enzymes in May 2022, a vestibular episode in August 2022, then she came down with Pancreatitis in September 2023, and lastly she started to develop Kidney Disease in June 2024. She always prevailed though, she'd beat the illness and keep going.

When the kidney disease was diagnosed (early, Stage 1 or 2), she also got a bacterial infection from an unknown origin. She was put on an antibiotic & then a couple days later, she started limping on her back right leg. Vet added Gabapentin (pain med) to help the leg, and then 48 hours later she stopped eating. We (the vet & I) agreed to stop the antibiotic & pain med to see if it would help her appetite. The infection seemed to clear up & she wasn't limping on the back leg, but you could definitely see she was having hind leg weakness. She had trouble standing up after long periods of time, and it took her effort to lay down. She would get restless and couldn't stay comfortable in one spot. The appetite loss went in waves, a couple days she would eat full meals with a little encouragement, and other days the only thing I could get in her was baby food & treats.

We rechecked her bloodwork 2 weeks later, and her kidney values went down to almost normal, I was so excited. But I could not get her to eat. She would hardly come into the kitchen at mealtime, she didn't seem interested at all in eating unless I made her. And it was usually only baby food, treats, plain greek yogurt, & raw goats milk that she would willingly take. I tried making different meats, tried different canned wet foods, I spent hours making food and trying to feed her. Most of the time when she did eat, she became disinterested in that same food by the next meal. It seemed she was in a constant state of nausea no matter what I tried to give her and I couldn't figure out why. I offered things to try and settle her nausea - bone broth, herbal supplements, pumpkin, but nothing really seemed to work enough to really get her appetite back.

Then she started limping on her front leg pretty bad. I didn't know if she had injured it somehow & I didn't see, or if it was from pain and muscle loss due to not getting the right nutrients. She had no kind of pain reaction when the vet touched her leg, but she continued to limp. She would often wander around the house, going into all the bedrooms, seeming like she was lost. She would pant heavily & pace around the living room, but I wondered if it was from stress because she couldn't jump onto the couch or bed anymore like she used to due to the leg issues. She continued to lose weight (in August 2022 before the vestibular episode she weighed 48 lbs, and she was down to 37 lbs at our most recent visit on 7/5).

This Saturday 7/6, I tried giving her some CBD oil to help with the leg pain. She was sleepy afterwards, but then seemed to be restless again. Sunday morning when we got up, she went outside & when she tried to poop, both her back legs completely gave out on her. Then she came inside, peed on the living room floor & collapsed. I thought maybe it was a reaction to the CBD oil since it was the first time she got it. But she couldn't/wouldn't get up for almost 45 minutes, she just laid there looking at me. When I tried to pick her up, she felt kind of limp. And when she finally did get up she was panting, pacing, very restless. She kept trying to lay down & her legs wouldn't let her. When she finally was able to lay down, her breathing seemed labored, coming only from her belly.

I couldn't watch her suffer anymore, so I let her cross the Rainbow Bridge that afternoon. But I immediately had so much regret & still do that I made the wrong choice. I feel like it was a haste decision, that I should've given her a little more time. What if it was just a reaction to the CBD? I could've taken her to the ER for some fluids. I could've tried chiropractic adjustments or acupuncture for her leg weakness. I feel like I just gave up on her, I feel like I should've tried more. I also keep thinking, what if the infection she had on her head had spread elsewhere, and I stopped giving the antibiotic. Maybe if I gave the full course she would still be here. Everyone says "you'll know" when it's time, but I didn't feel that at all.

I did in-home euthanasia so she wouldn't go in some sterile vet room, and so her brother & sister could say goodbye to her. But I feel like she gave me this horrible look after the vet did the first injection, like "what are you letting her do to me?" or "why are you letting me go?" She looked so betrayed, it literally rip me in two.

How do I make these awful thoughts & feelings stop? I feel myself going into panic every time I think about it or look at a picture of her. I keep replaying the last few weeks in my head wondering if I missed something, knowing I should've and could've done more. She is my heart and soul dog, I had her since she was 7 weeks old, and she was 15 years & 4 months when she passed. She went through everything with me and I miss her so badly it's painful to even breathe. I feel like I'm living in a stranger's home now, her not being there and following me everywhere I go.

I also feel like I have a hard time spending time with my other 2 dogs now. I look at them and see her, seeing she's missing from the pack. I know they're sad too but it's so hard for me to comfort them because of the pain I'm feeling for her. I don't know how I'll ever get past this. I really appreciate your time if you read this all. If anyone has any advice or a similar experience they can share, I really don't know how to function without her.

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I am sorry for your immense loss  Feelings are not facts.
You can rest assured she is at peace now. Also remember, they forgive us immediately if there is need for it, but dogs don't question our motives, they know us.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

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mattwillard1982

I'm so so sorry.  I just had to put down my 2 year old corgi because he was getting extremely aggressive toward me and my wife, and it was unsafe to have him in my home.  I talked to trainers and behaviorists, and the SPCA and even shelters.  We thought about rehoming him but it was too much of a liability and none of the shelters would take him.  I feel completely awful and I'm sick to my stomach over it.  I know in my brain it was the right thing to do, because he was dangerous, but I feel like there's something else I could have done, different meds, or if I trained him better, earlier, he wouldn't have been like that.  But we couldn't fix him in the end.  He was snapping at us so bad, he actually bit through my big toe nail, and ripped my little nail completely off.  I had to get 3 stiches in my thumb.  One minute he could be the sweetest dog, but then just immediately snap for no reason.  It's just tearing me up inside that it came to this, and I feel like I murdered my puppy.

I'm so sorry for you and understand what you are going through.  Your dog was sick, and suffering.  You did the right thing.  Why does the right thing always have to be the hardest thing? 

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Wow that is so crazy and awful @mattwillard1982 I am so sorry. 

And I'm so sorry for your loss @AshleyES You absolutely did the right thing. It's hard when it is your own pet but I can objectively say you ended what was not living but only suffering. I hope you give yourself a break and find peace. 

I am really struggling right now. The sweet dog I adopted at age 13 is now well into 15 and she's got issues. She still enjoys eating but that is all. Otherwise she sleeps. I take her on short walks but even with supplements I think she's in pain. She never wants to go and def. does not love it like she used to. Her back leg strength is all gone now so she basically has to lay down all the time or stand and then she wobbles and sometimes falls over. She had dental work a few months ago because her teeth were all rotten and falling out so they are gone now. She seems very uncomfortable always rubbing her snout. She is completely deaf so she's really in her own world. She's got chronic pancreatitis and an upset stomach a lot. Strict diet, no treats of any kind. I don't know. I'm just very sad, try to give her a good life but waiting for the next thing to happen to her. :(       

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I am so sorry to hear this @AJWCat, I had my dog, Lucky, euthanized when her life became full of so much pain and no more smiles.  Very hard.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. :( My situation is similar to yours, unfortunately. My hedgehog was diagnosed with cancer, but because the surgery was risky and had a long, painful recovery (and my hedgehog was already "older") I forwent it. I gave her antibiotics for a couple of weeks in case it was just an infection. Things started to look better, I got so hopeful...and then suddenly she got worse again, and like your dog, began refusing food (and eventually water). At first she would eat a little bit of the treats she liked, but eventually she outright refused even her favorite treats. She used to go crazy and start purring and purring when I would play chase with her worms...I also tried many things like bone broth and pumpkin (as you mentioned) and I gave her a radium bath a few days before she passed. She hated baths, but her poop had begun to get stuck to her after using the bathroom and I thought it could help relax her. One of my last memories is of her glaring at me from the bath. 

When she would catch sick in the past, I would force feed her until she got better, but with the cancer...I knew there was nothing that could be done so I didn't force her to eat or drink. I continued to provide new food, but she didn't touch it. To be honest, I was hesitant about putting her on pain medication as she was prone to nausea...

Well, she passed away a few hours before her doctor's appointment. I was sleeping when she died, and regret it terribly. As she got worse and worse, she seemed to want to be left alone. She suddenly was unable to use one of her back legs. It was awful...When I tried to offer belly rubs, she would turn away from me...I still wonder if I did the right thing, not forcing her to eat or drink. Leaving her alone. Maybe I should have just stayed in the room with her.

I can't quite say for my own situation, but for yours, I think you did the right thing (from an outside perspective). It sounds like you deeply loved your dog and tried most everything without making her uncomfortable. To be honest, I think the chiropractor or acupuncturist could possibly have done more harm than good. I've also considered a chiropractor for my pets, but is it really safe...? And I can't imagine acupuncture on an animal to be honest. It never worked for me personally as a human, although it might be different for you. I think they could have been more stressful than helpful.

Maybe no matter what we did, we would have felt regret. Another thing I personally regret is not taking her to the park more. I was so excited for summer vacation to take my girl to the park more often and enjoy eating BBQ and homemade ice cream together. I had plans for us to see the cicadas and maybe fireworks in the distance. Well, during the time I thought she had gotten better it literally rained every weekend. She didn't like baths or water so I postponed and then when she got really bad suddenly I decided to wait until she got pain medicine (even though I was reluctant to give it to her) to go to the park. I figured we'd take her to the vet, give her the medicine and then start taking her to the park again. I ended up taking her body there in a box instead. I deeply regret not just going during the weekdays. I get home late, sometimes past midnight. Not that it would have mattered to her. I really regret waiting for the medicine and waiting for summer vacation...I read that after cancer diagnosis, hedgehogs often quickly go downhill, but maybe I was in denial.

I'm sorry again for your loss. :( I hope you know that from someone who didn't do euthanasia, I still have a lot of regrets. And I honestly think you did what you felt was best for your dog.

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15 minutes ago, lvcat said:

I was sleeping when she died, and regret it terribly. As she got worse and worse, she seemed to want to be left alone.

And she undoubtedly went the way she wanted to, many animals prefer to meet their end alone.4

16 minutes ago, lvcat said:

When she would catch sick in the past, I would force feed her until she got better, but with the cancer...I knew there was nothing that could be done so I didn't force her to eat or drink.

I think you did right.  My Arlie was starving when he was rescued and even though he gained 16 lbs in their care, he was still skinny and sick when I adopted him.  He had acute chronic Colitis his life long.  
When he got cancer I remember the vet told me when he lost weight, he'd go...so I plied him with food, not hard to do, he never got rid of that starvation instinct.  He actually gained seven lbs with cancer.  The vet botched his euthanasia as their scale was way off.  He weighed so much I couldn't lift him and weigh us...  My biggest regret is how he went out, in severe pain.  Damned be that vet!

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3 minutes ago, KayC said:

And she undoubtedly went the way she wanted to, many animals prefer to meet their end alone.4

I think you did right.  My Arlie was starving when he was rescued and even though he gained 16 lbs in their care, he was still skinny and sick when I adopted him.  He had acute chronic Colitis his life long.  
When he got cancer I remember the vet told me when he lost weight, he'd go...so I plied him with food, not hard to do, he never got rid of that starvation instinct.  He actually gained seven lbs with cancer.  The vet botched his euthanasia as their scale was way off.  He weighed so much I couldn't lift him and weigh us...  My biggest regret is how he went out, in severe pain.  Damned be that vet!

Thank you for your message, KayC. I appreciate it, and am very sorry for your loss as well. I can't quite say that my hedgehog was happier passing alone. When she would catch sick in the past, she always looked to me for comfort. During the beginning of her symptoms (of cancer), she seemed to trust me that I could make her feel better like usual. But I couldn't, and feel like I failed her. :( Cancer is truly devastating. The fact is she died alone and in pain. I didn't expect her to pass less than 12 hours before her doctor's appointment. Otherwise, I would have stayed with her...

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Be understanding of yourself. It's all we can do afterwards. I went through this with Arlie too.

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On 7/22/2024 at 3:00 PM, KayC said:

I am so sorry to hear this @AJWCat, I had my dog, Lucky, euthanized when her life became full of so much pain and no more smiles.  Very hard.

It's crazy because now she's doing better. I got her on pain meds daily which is helping her walk and I think helping her mouth. Overall, she seems in a much better state. Still wobbly and sleeps pretty much 22 hours a day but at least she doesn't seem like she's suffering. I am still very very nervous all the time and I know we are borrowed time per the vet. 

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You definitely did the right thing. Don't second-guess. She was so sick. You went over and above to help her. In the end you did right. Be glad she was lucky to have a pal like you  who cared for her so much.

Edited by Jim M
misspelling
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Karen, UK

I only joined this forum today after having a dog put to sleep last night, it is far from my first time but my guilt is huge this time as I feel that maybe my old sick dog could have had a little longer if I hadnt been worried that he would have had another bad episode in kennels in 2 weeks time when we are away.

Everyone tells me I shouldnt feel this way  as a day too soon is better than a day too late. We have 2 other dogs, my Romanian rescue has now had a huge trust relapse and is urinating in the house etc, I hate myself today, found this forum, wanted to reach out.

 

Boris was a setter cross, coming up to 14v years and when he wasnt feeling ill his quality of life was good.

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11 minutes ago, Karen, UK said:

a day too soon is better than a day too late.

True, but you can't talk someone out of their feelings.  You feel what you feel, and I think most of us feel guilt when we have an animal put to sleep.  Such a hard job, being in charge of our furry beloved family member!  But some things we aren't in charge of...I wasn't in charge of my beloved Arlie getting cancer, and watching him go downhill the last two months ten days of his life was truly horrific.  I wanted to have him put to sleep before he couldn't walk, but not a day sooner than he had to.  I remember thinking the next day, I could have him with me if only I hadn't...  But it was his time.  He'd let me know that.  

I am so sorry you find yourself going through this.  
You can rest assured your dog is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

Praying for you today...

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Karen, UK

Thankyou so much and my heart goes out to all of you who have shared their feelings on here, I still cry when remembering other animals ive loved and lost in the past and I will do it again and again because the rewards are huge, to be loved by our fellow species is very special thankyou again

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Karen, UK

Thankyou so much and my heart goes out to all of you who have shared their feelings on here, I still cry when remembering other animals ive loved and lost in the past and I will do it again and again because the rewards are huge, to be loved by our fellow species is very special thankyou again, I am realising how difficult it is for all of us to make and live with our decisions, hugs to everyone

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