Trying to cope with immense grief after loss of my dog

[AlisonP]

My dog died Callie of cancer on Monday July 8, 2024. I can't believe I'm even typing that, I think I'm still in a bit of shock. Callie just turned 7 on July 4. She was full of life and energy until sometime in early May and then she started vomiting intermittently. Went to the vet and all seemed well. The vomiting gradually increased until it was happening almost every day about 4-5 hours after eating. Ultrasound, x-rays and blood tests ruled out some of the possible causes, and we started feeding her a bland diet to help her stomach. Symptoms continued so we scheduled an appointment with an internal medicine specialist and had an endoscopy done which only showed some inflammation and slight thickening where the esophagus enters the stomach. Waited an excruciating 10 days for biopsy results to come back which indicated IBD but no cancer. This was somewhat of a relief at the time except that she was still vomiting often. We started Callie on prednisone but symptoms remained and her weight started to go down. We had a barium swallow study fluoroscopy done that seemed to indicate a swallowing problem with her cricopharyngeal muscle. Surgery could cut the muscle to help her swallow but the doctor said the success rate was only 50/50. She also said that if we did nothing she would continue to decline. Callie was scheduled for surgery on June 12 to cut the muscle but the day we checked her in for the surgery appointment another radiologist looked at her fluoroscopy and was not convinced the muscle was the cause so the surgery was postponed. The internal specialist mentioned that she could give Callie a botox injection in that muscle to simulate the outcome of the surgery and confirm that the surgery was the correct choice if it worked. However it would take some time to source the botox so we would have to wait. An esophagostomy tube was inserted under anesthesia that day (June 12) to feed her and try to keep her weight up. She was still struggling with vomiting many times a day even with the feeding tube. We took her to another internal specialist to see if there were any other options. That specialist started us on a phenobarbital trial to see if Callie had phenobarbital responsive sialadenitis which could be causing her symptoms. Several days of that drug trial did not improve anything. By now Callie's weight had gone down significantly (she went from 31 pounds to about 24) and we scheduled another endoscopy for July 3 to focus on the upper esophagus in case there was a problem with her tonsillar crypts. During  that endocsopy I received a call from the specialist performing the endoscopy saying that there was a large irregular mass where the esophagus enters the stomach and that it was obstructing the entrance to the stomach enough that only the diameter of a pen was open. She said that balloon dilation was not an option due to the size and density of the mass, and that a stent could not be used because it would be too painful. Surgical removal was not possible either because of the delicate location and the likelihood of stricture afterwards. We decided to try to take Callie to a university veterinary teaching school because they have more experience with advanced surgeries. But on Sunday, July 7, Callie was even worse. Her weight by this time was down to about 19 from her original 31 pounds. She was vomiting thick sticky saliva multiple times a day and during feedings too. Her stomach felt dilated so we took her to the ER vet hospital and they immediately put her in intensive care. We didn't know it but she had fluid in her chest outside her lungs and they had to 'tap' it to remove the fluid. Then she started having hemorrhagic diarrhea on the table. They put tubes in her nostrils to give her oxygen and hooked her up to a heart monitor. They said her blood pressure was dangerously low so they gave her meds for that and some pain medication too. They inserted a thin tube inside her esophagus tube and drew out several syringes of gas from her stomach. My husband and I were able to stand with her the entire time these things were being done. They took x-rays and the ER doctor showed us the mass in her esophagus and that 50% of her stomach was compromised with inflammation. They said that her intestines were likely unable to absorb food by this time too and that she would not have made it through the night anyway if we didn't bring her in to the ER. They said that her symptoms were consistent with cancer and they were 99% sure that's what it was. So we agreed to end her suffering. That was extremely hard to do even though we knew her body was shutting down. When it was done they asked us about cremation or if we wanted to bring the body home. I could not even imagine bringing her body home so we chose a pretty wooden box and opted for cremation. The next day our neighbors asked if we brought the body home to show to our other dog so she would understand and I felt awful for not doing that. Our other dog had been watching Callie suffer for 2 months and she would got to the opposite side of the room when we brought in Callie's feeding syringes so I knew these things were scaring her. I certainly didn't want to freak her out more by showing her Callie's body but to be honest the thought did not cross my mind at 2:30 in the morning after spending 6-7 hours at the ER watching them try to save my poor Callie. Am I a monster for not bringing her lifeless body home to show my other dog? I sure hope not. And to add to the awful all-consuming grief I feel, my other dog is acting very weird now and avoiding me. I am trying to show her extra love and also give her some space, but I think she is afraid after seeing me medicating and tube feeding Callie and witnessing all of her suffering. We couldn't keep her in another room every time we took care of Callie as it was an almost constant process with only a couple of hours between each thing we had to do to try to support her. I feel like I have been through a huge battle only to fail. And I stupidly thought that the depression and fear I felt while trying to save Callie's life would somehow be easier than the grief I would feel afterward. I was so wrong. How on earth can I deal with this and go on normally? I miss Callie so much it physically hurts inside. And I am sure my other dog misses her too and is now wondering where she is since I didn't "do the right thing" and bring back the body to show her. It means I get to feel guilty on top of feeling this massive grief. Any helpful thoughts or guidance would be much appreciated. And just to get it out of my system: I am so very incredibly sorry Callie that I couldn't save you. I promise that I tried everything I could think of or was instructed to do. And I am so very sorry Myshka that I scared you with all of the procedures and with Callie's suffering, and I'm sorry I didn't bring Callie's body home to show you. I love both of you so very much.

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  The hardest thing in the world was losing my husband 19 years ago and my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, 5 years ago.
Prayers for you, and just so you know, Callie has already forgiven you whatever you think you needed forgiven.  That's what's wonderful about dogs.

She is at peace already.

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 19 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

[AlisonP]

Thank you for your kind response. I forgot to add a photo of Callie. She was the energy and color in our home, and my younger dog Myshka's best friend.

I miss her so much ❤️

[KayC]

She is beautiful!!  My Arlie also died of cancer.

 

 

[AlisonP]

Ever since my older dog died, my younger dog seems very afraid of me. She witnessed me taking care of my sick dog for over 2 months, watching me medicate and feed the sick dog through a feeding tube, which must have seemed frightening to her. And now she doesn't want to be near me or let me touch her. I am very upset about this change in her behavior and I understand that she may also be grieving as I am. It hurts so much more having to deal with the awful grief of losing one dog and feeling like my other dog wants nothing to do with me. It is awful. I thought we would would console each other, but now I feel like she thinks I'm a monster when I was trying to save the life of my sick dog.

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  I had a cat that did the same when his brother died.  They were two when Midnight got caught in a trap a neighbor set on OUR property!  It took him 5 days to pull his foot out after gangrene had set in, we had no choice but to euthanize him.  Autumn knew he died and blamed us.  She became an outdoor cat only eating, drinking here, but if we tried to pet her she'd recoil out of our reach. She lived to 14 this way.  It was heartbreaking.

I had no idea how to change this.  It broke my heart, I loved her.
Grieving Pet

[KayC]

Previously she had slept on my head.

[AlisonP]

I am giving her space and scratching her head just a little bit if she comes near. I also gave her some extra special treats which she tentatively comes to get. Last night she climbed halfway on the bed with her back feet still on the floor and allowed me to scratch her ears, head and neck for a while. She even licked my arm a few times, so I hope she is slowly coming back to me. My other dog was suffering so much for 2 months, vomiting and getting frequent medications and esophagostomy tube feedings throughout the day. Poor little Myshka was silently watching her big "sister" go through this, and watching me coming in with the scary tools and medicine. I will not give up, but I will try to give her space too.

Photo is of Myshka.

[KayC]

Just continue being there for her and try to be patient and understanding...I know when I lost my husband it took my daughter to point out to me why my well trained dog was acting up!  My brain was gone then, so I'm glad she pointed it out.