Another birthday without Brandon

[strawbabydolly]

Okay so my birthday is coming up. Its on July 29 and I'm absolutely dreading it like I always am. But this one is worse because I don't have my baby. I just don't see why I should celebrate if my baby can't be here with me. I hate birthdays anyway but this one just sucks worse than all the other previous ones. Besides there's nothing special about turning 29 anyway. Its just a number. It doesn't really mean anything and I'm not really in a party mood. I can buy my own presents which I always do anyway. Nobody else in my family wants be bothered. They might give me money but that's about it. 

I just want my baby back. That's all I want for my birthday. Sometimes I don't think I can live without him. Sometimes I wish I could just die of an illness too so we could be together. I just want to be with him. I'm sick of this planet and this world. I want to visit him and not come back for awhile. I want to spend a couple of days with him. Birthdays suck especially mine. I hate getting older and my baby is gone. How could this have happened? I don't understand. I just don't understand. His death will never feel real to me. 

I wake up every morning and remember he's not here anymore. I still can't believe it after two whole years. Its hard for me to believe and accept. I feel like I'm still in denial like when I first found out he passed away. I thought it was some kind of weird sick joke. This can't be real. This can't be life. This can't be true. Then his brother confirmed it and that's when it truly sunk in. My baby is dead. This one really hurts. Then came my tears. I had so many of them rolling down my face my face looked like a puddle. The tears were just running like a faucet. 

That's the most I've ever cried over losing somebody so close to me and someone who I loved very much. He was special. Sometimes I feel like how Piper did on "Charmed" when Prue died. I can feel her pain. I can feel everything she felt. I did feel a little angry at him for dying. I thought ''How could you leave me''?! ''Why did you do this''?! Obviously its not his fault I'm just overwhelmed with grief.  Now as I said earlier my birthday is coming up. My stupid birthday and I don't see much to celebrate. These are the worst years of my life.  I miss when he used to bite his lip. It was so cute. It was such a turn on. I also miss his smile. He had the prettiest smile for a man that I've ever seen. 

I loved everything about him. I loved his voice, his clothes, his tattoos, his body, his lips, and his facial hair. He was the most handsome man I've ever seen. I always thought he was cute since I was a teenage girl. But seeing him again as an adult, I was definitely feeling him even more now. His looks changed so much. I was and am still so in love with him. I was and am still so proud to be his girlfriend. I couldn't believe he was finally mine. Sixteen or seventeen year old me was in love with him then and 28 almost 29 year old me is still in love with him now.  

I just wish he could be here with me to get through this stupid birthday. I need him now more then ever. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to go on with my life without him. I know he's always in my heart but sometimes that's just not good enough. I want to see him. I want to touch him. I want to kiss him. I miss his lips. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss. Birthdays are hard without them, both theirs and ours.

 

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, strawbabydolly said:

Okay so my birthday is coming up. Its on July 29 and I'm absolutely dreading it like I always am. But this one is worse because I don't have my baby. I just don't see why I should celebrate if my baby can't be here with me. I hate birthdays anyway but this one just sucks worse than all the other previous ones. Besides there's nothing special about turning 29 anyway. Its just a number. It doesn't really mean anything and I'm not really in a party mood. I can buy my own presents which I always do anyway. Nobody else in my family wants be bothered. They might give me money but that's about it. 

I just want my baby back. That's all I want for my birthday. Sometimes I don't think I can live without him. Sometimes I wish I could just die of an illness too so we could be together. I just want to be with him. I'm sick of this planet and this world. I want to visit him and not come back for awhile. I want to spend a couple of days with him. Birthdays suck especially mine. I hate getting older and my baby is gone. How could this have happened? I don't understand. I just don't understand. His death will never feel real to me. 

I wake up every morning and remember he's not here anymore. I still can't believe it after two whole years. Its hard for me to believe and accept. I feel like I'm still in denial like when I first found out he passed away. I thought it was some kind of weird sick joke. This can't be real. This can't be life. This can't be true. Then his brother confirmed it and that's when it truly sunk in. My baby is dead. This one really hurts. Then came my tears. I had so many of them rolling down my face my face looked like a puddle. The tears were just running like a faucet. 

That's the most I've ever cried over losing somebody so close to me and someone who I loved very much. He was special. Sometimes I feel like how Piper did on "Charmed" when Prue died. I can feel her pain. I can feel everything she felt. I did feel a little angry at him for dying. I thought ''How could you leave me''?! ''Why did you do this''?! Obviously its not his fault I'm just overwhelmed with grief.  Now as I said earlier my birthday is coming up. My stupid birthday and I don't see much to celebrate. These are the worst years of my life.  I miss when he used to bite his lip. It was so cute. It was such a turn on. I also miss his smile. He had the prettiest smile for a man that I've ever seen. 

I loved everything about him. I loved his voice, his clothes, his tattoos, his body, his lips, and his facial hair. He was the most handsome man I've ever seen. I always thought he was cute since I was a teenage girl. But seeing him again as an adult, I was definitely feeling him even more now. His looks changed so much. I was and am still so in love with him. I was and am still so proud to be his girlfriend. I couldn't believe he was finally mine. Sixteen or seventeen year old me was in love with him then and 28 almost 29 year old me is still in love with him now.  

I just wish he could be here with me to get through this stupid birthday. I need him now more then ever. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to go on with my life without him. I know he's always in my heart but sometimes that's just not good enough. I want to see him. I want to touch him. I want to kiss him. I miss his lips. 

I like everyone am so sorry for your loss. I relate to your birthday topic but am on the other side. The 20th of this month is Vickie's birthday. It will be my 2nd without her. On that day I know her daughter will call me because she always call her mom on such days and I am now her living connection to her mom. She fortunately has taken me as family for being part of the best years of her life and she was mine. As for my own birthday Vicky passed just 8 days before it but the day came and went without my giving it a second thought.

One thing we also have very much in common is that we both were fortunate to find OUR person. We have lost them but we also had an experience few people ever achieve. I'm honestly still not doing well and share a lot of the emotions you expressed. You're much younger than I and a longer future to take on with your grief but please believe me when I say if our person could talk to us from the other side they wouldn't want us spend the rest of days in emotional misery. We are both struggling yet we have to try the slow process of getting from one day to the next try to improve our emotions little by little. It's hard but I think we owe to them that much of as ourselves.

You say you don't understand many things in this world with the loss at the top of the list. Everyone here knows exactly what you mean and understands. I'm not the best one to be giving this advice because I'm fighting a lot of anxiety and feelings of panic this month is bringing me. I'm about 17 months in, a little less than you, but I understand this loss is the worst in my lifetime and it may never heal. But please try to collect all the good memories you have and us them to keep him with you. Hopefully in time it will become more tolerable even though you will most certainly have set backs.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

we both were fortunate to find OUR person.

I feel the same.  No matter how short it was (knew each other 6 1/2 years) we clicked, we always understood and had faith in each other and the love we shared is with me still, I know it hasn't changed.  It's like we can't physically touch right now, but the love and our relationship continues.