Recent loss death by suicide

[Emilie77]

How do you stay strong for your children after the loss of a spouse? It’s only been a week and I’m trying to give myself grace but it’s so hard to get up every day. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. Any loss is hard, but a suicide has unique challenges all its own which I can only imagine. 

Consider a grief counselor/psychologist, so you have someone to unload on (repeat: GRIEF counselor, not some generic psychologist etc). Also look into support groups in your area.

Meanwhile I hope this site can help somewhat. It's a great group of people. 

And keep in mind that while having to be there for your kids can make this harder, they can also be your salvation. You still have people who love you around and you may be able to help each other through it. I suggest trying to talk to them about it at some point, let them know you're in this together.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss!  Welcome here, it helps to come here to read and post and realize you are not alone as you have these feelings and go through this.

This is by far the hardest thing I've been through in my life, second hardest being losing my last dog to cancer.  Loss is unique, individual, and no one can tell us how to do it, there is no right way or wrong way, only your way.  I've been at this 19 years Father's Day...loss has a beginning but not an ending, but I have found I can handle it better in time (took maybe five years for me) but new loss upends us.  I wouldn't "stay strong" for my kids, but let them see my struggle, it is in that that they can realize it's okay to not be perfect at it or realize they too are okay to fall apart.  And that all of you together are going to make it.   How old are your kids?

A friend of mine was sick and threw up...her dog was clearly upset...then she realized her dog saw her husband throw up (then go to the hospital) and never return.  She realized her dog, Jazzy, was very worried the same would happen to her.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[Bou]

On 7/5/2024 at 11:02 PM, Emilie77 said:

How do you stay strong for your children after the loss of a spouse? It’s only been a week and I’m trying to give myself grace but it’s so hard to get up every day. 

 

On 7/5/2024 at 11:02 PM, Emilie77 said:

How do you stay strong for your children after the loss of a spouse? It’s only been a week and I’m trying to give myself grace but it’s so hard to get up every day. 

I don't know how my mother did it.  I know as the child it changed my life forever.  Right now I think you need to feel the feels until you can get stronger and then you will be able to move ahead for your children and yourself.   I am so sorry.  I wish I could take your pain away.  

[Emilie77]

27 minutes ago, Bou said:

 

I don't know how my mother did it.  I know as the child it changed my life forever.  Right now I think you need to feel the feels until you can get stronger and then you will be able to move ahead for your children and yourself.   I am so sorry.  I wish I could take your pain away.  

 

27 minutes ago, Bou said:

 

I don't know how my mother did it.  I know as the child it changed my life forever.  Right now I think you need to feel the feels until you can get stronger and then you will be able to move ahead for your children and yourself.   I am so sorry.  I wish I could take your pain away.  

 

Just now, Emilie77 said:

 

 

Thank you for your kind words. Today is an especially hard day. It’s been 20 days without him. I was supposed to return to work tonight. I just can’t bring myself to go back yet. That’s where I was when I got the call that the police were at my house. It’s making everything feel so fresh. Repeating the day it happened all over again in my head. 

[Roxeanne]

Emilie is so unfair and hard for you and your children! Hope you have the help of family and friends...

You need the help of people who can really understand what suicide is...there is a forum "alliance of hope"!

Hope you can find some comfort there

[Roxeanne]

https://allianceofhope.org/the-survivor-experience/

[Emilie77]

3 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Emilie is so unfair and hard for you and your children! Hope you have the help of family and friends...

You need the help of people who can really understand what suicide is...there is a forum "alliance of hope"!

Hope you can find some comfort there

Thank you