1 Month. I know Im going too live in deep despair.

[mmosier]

Hey

Im Michael, my wife and soulmate died May 29 of this year. I think I have been pretending shes on vacation but that is not working anymore. I decided to get a tattoo as a memorial with words:

Cass 37 years my soulmate.

You always made me feel loved. I miss you.

You will always be the love, the life of my life.

V・XXIX・MMXXIV

 

The last part is roman numerals of the day she died. I know when my mind finally gets that she's gone Im going to fall into deep despair. I can see it coming. Don't worry Im not the off myself kind of guy. I think I'm hoping the pain of the tattoo will finally make me feel something.

 

Michael

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  I know it as the hardest thing in the world.  19 years Father's Day since my soulmate and best friend died.

Welcome here, it helps to read and post, and know others get it.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[mmosier]

I forgot to mention she passed in her sleep (very good way to go) she was not sick so it was immediate and  permeant t and not in our  plans she just dropped dead and they could not even figure out how. I had her body sent to a forensic corner to figure it out and got nothing back wow.

Oh and we got a puppy 2 months before she passed so I do take him everywhere, he has helped very much. Even though I do forget to feed him or ill feed him a few times a day forgetting that I feed him but he's cool with whatever I do thank god. He's 10 months and eats dirt, rocks, and every cricket that is dumb enough to jump in front of him  lol

We were fortunate enough to retire at 48 (Im now 57) so we had a wonderful time together. I was in a coma for almost a year back in 2016 so she basically took care of me. I was bed ridden for 4 years and am just now walking regularly about .75 miles trying to get to 20 miles. She was definitely my rock. She was a nurse when she worked. She was so giving. Thinking back I would have appreciated it more wow. I could have done a lot of things more. 

Michael

[KayC]

My dog is my salvation.

[Sarah1008]

Hey,

Sorry for your loss. My father died in his sleep but he had died of cardiovascular disease with complications with diabetes.  It was very sudden and unexpected too. But the way I cope with it, is that he wasn't in any pain. He was listening to his classical music and probably at peace to listen to it without interruptions.

When it someone dies with no previous symptoms beforehand, you right to be angry. The only blessing is that she died loved and she knew it. Life is very fragile when someone you care about dies.

I've been walking about in a daze since my husband died of lung cancer but that was to be expected and I had over a year to come to terms with it.

Best wishes and I hope you have friends and family to support you.

Take care.

[Bou]

On 7/2/2024 at 8:24 PM, mmosier said:

I forgot to mention she passed in her sleep (very good way to go) she was not sick so it was immediate and  permeant t and not in our  plans she just dropped dead and they could not even figure out how. I had her body sent to a forensic corner to figure it out and got nothing back wow.

Oh and we got a puppy 2 months before she passed so I do take him everywhere, he has helped very much. Even though I do forget to feed him or ill feed him a few times a day forgetting that I feed him but he's cool with whatever I do thank god. He's 10 months and eats dirt, rocks, and every cricket that is dumb enough to jump in front of him  lol

We were fortunate enough to retire at 48 (Im now 57) so we had a wonderful time together. I was in a coma for almost a year back in 2016 so she basically took care of me. I was bed ridden for 4 years and am just now walking regularly about .75 miles trying to get to 20 miles. She was definitely my rock. She was a nurse when she worked. She was so giving. Thinking back I would have appreciated it more wow. I could have done a lot of things more. 

Michael

Sorry for your loss.  You have come to the right place.  Hope you find healing here 

[BohoKat]

Sorry about your loss of your wife. I lost my soulmate my husband of 32 years 3 years ago. Love has many timespans and none are superior but it is a different kind of pain when you have shared decades with a partner.

i can really relate to you talking about feeling numb and hoping the tattoo will make you feel something. In the last 3 years I find myself alternating between months of deep grief and months of numbness. I am lost during the numbness.

The only thing that helps is music. I use Spotify and have made a couple of playlists with our special songs. I listen when numb and sometimes it will make me cry and I feel better, because it is better to have relief even in pain than feel nothing at all.

Wishing you peace and strength as you move through this.

[mmosier]

I tried music but so many songs make me sad when they remind me of her so I will have to get back to music when the pain is not so close to her passing. I do listen to comic podcasts when walking my dog and that helps a lot.

Im thinking of starting a YouTube channel to tell everyone how wonderful she was. I want the world to know how loving and caring she was.

Thank you for all the wonderful reply's

God Bless

 

Michael. 

[KayC]

On 7/3/2024 at 1:06 PM, Sarah1008 said:

My father died in his sleep but he had died of cardiovascular disease with complications with diabetes.  It was very sudden and unexpected too. But the way I cope with it, is that he wasn't in any pain. He was listening to his classical music and probably at peace to listen to it without interruptions.

My sister too, she just stopped breathing, sleeping in her easy chair...the way she always wanted to go, at home.  What more could one ask for!  No suffering, no pain.  I think of what my George went through, immense paid, his eyes popping out, it haunts me.  Same with my dog, cancer and then a botched euthanasia, I'll never forget the look on his face, my poor baby!  My only consolation is knowing he is out of it now and they no longer live the pain, they live in peace enjoying what is next.

8 hours ago, mmosier said:

Im thinking of starting a YouTube channel to tell everyone how wonderful she was. I want the world to know how loving and caring she was.

That sounds like a wonderful idea!  After you've done it, maybe you can share it with us so we can know too!