Just Lost

[auntrobin]

On May 3, 2012 I lost my nephew. He was 24 years old. I got a phone call around 9:00 am i was just waking up. My husband told me to get to his sister's house, the ambulance was there for Josh, he stopped breathing. My first thought was I am not dressed.......then it clicked who cares grab keys and shoes and go. I sat at the first light waiting for it to turn green, and i thought everythingis ok....he is 24 he probably just having a panic attack or something simple. I got to the 2nd light Josh didn't panic he didn't have attacks. Then i prayed God please let this be alright, let me get there and find it was just a minor scare. I show up barely put hte car in park.......... race in to a room full of wailing.......Josh My Teddy Bear was gone. Just gone. Thoughts of my last encounter with him....did I say Hi...did I hug him did I say I love you. I didn't get to say goodbye!!!!!! I didn't get to say I LOVE YOU! I am so angry...why him....why my family.

My main concern now is his mom, my sister-in-law. We are close and she is not doing well...not that we expect her to but she needs to talk to someone who can relate. My heart is broken her world is shattered. She has two other children whom she loves but Josh was special to her. He was a mamas boy......he was 6'4 300 pound giant teddy bear who loved his mother dearly. How do I help her......how do you encourage her to move on with life, how do I look her in the eye and say it will be ok. I have no idea if it will be. I have been reading others chats and see that the feelings she has are so familiar...I told herof this site but she is not ready to open up. She feels singled out and punished that her only tie to this world is her other two children. She feels guilty for wanting to leave them. I have been told repeatedly time heals......yeah yeah i get it.....what do we do until then. Do i have to count the days??? Do I mark the calendar??? When will it get better. I feel the loss more now then before, so how doe sshe feel. How can I help his mother?

[vivkib]

HI Auntrobin, I am so sorry for the loss of your nephew Josh. When we loose someone we love it's so hard. You're still just in the beginning of this horrible journey and trying to figure it all out. It's been 8 months now that my son Kevin (28) passed and I'm still struggling with trying to figure it out. It does take time and there is no time-line to count on. Just be there for Josh's mom, be there for when she's ready to talk, cry, scream and the hundred other emotions that come along. Just as I'm sure you want to talk about Josh, she does too, even though she may not be ready at this time in her grief. She will be. One of the things I can't understand is that as time passes and I need to hear people talk about Kevin and to hear his name, everyone else seems to have moved on with thier lives. I know this happens but I lost a huge part of my life and I need others to remember him. Does that make any sense? My family still talks about Kevin on a daily bases and for us that helps alot. Again, be there for Josh's mamma and be kind to yourself as well. You both need to give yourselves time to grieve and not let anyone put a time-frame on it for you. The pain will soften a bit as time goes on. Hugs and Prayers to all of you. Kevin's Mom-Vivian

[auntrobin]

Dear Kevin's mom,

I too am very sorry for your loss, your son Kevin. I try to be strong, try to be supportive but sometimes I just want to cry. Today was a cry day.....maybe tomorrow will be better. I have been reading through others comments and I hear the same feeling as my sister in law expresses. I will be her rock.....her shoulder.......I know I have no answers and I can not fix this. Watching my family hurt and not being able to help pains me. Anyway thanks for listening I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and concentrate on healing with the family. I hope my sister in law reaches out to you or someone who can understand.

Thanks

AuntRobin

[vivkib]

Auntrobin, Thank you. It is so very hard to see your family in pain and not know how to help them. When you are experiancing grief also it makes it that much harder to know what to do. When Kevin passed, all I could think about was how to get to my other 4 kids and thier dad, my ex. I still want to take all the pain from them but I know we all have to go through in our own way. Again, it helps that we can all talk and be thier when we need extra love and support. Yor SIL will reach out when her time comes. In the beginning, just trying to get through minute by minute and keep breathing is an overwhelming thing. I don't think you're "feeling sorry for yourself" as I know you are overwhelmed with grief also. As I said before, be kind to yourself right now, it's a hard road. Hugs and Prayers. Kevin's Mom-Vivian

[missinglance]

AuntRobin,

I am sorry for your loss.

I wish I could tell you that there is a timeline of grieving. I am two years into the loss of my son (16 months) and someday it is just has hard as the first days. The best advice I can give you is just be there for her. For me nothing anyone said mattered to me, it was just those who were there for me without saying a word helped me the most. People often would say I just don't know what to say. And honestly there is nothing you can say. All I can say is be there for her and love her and be the shoulder to lean on, cry on and hopefully one day laugh on. Everyday is a struggle, you never get over it you just learn to deal with it. No matter how far away from the loss you are, you never want to move on. In the first few days after my son passed away I found myself comforting others because it was not real to me, and then one day my life just shattered. I know it doesn't seem like it now, and I know you've heard this but one day she will wake up and start putting her life back together.

Praying for your peace of mind and the healing of your hearts.

MissingLance