Brandon is dead, I'll never love again.

[strawbabydolly]

I lost the love of my life Brandon on November 17, 2022. My baby was very sick. He had been struggling with lung disease for some time. Now I had actually known him since I was 17 and he was like 20. I remember I had a crush on him but I never admitted it to him. Nothing ever happened between us until two years ago before his passing. We had actually grown pretty close. We finally started dating. He seemed to be everything that I was looking for in a man. I couldn't believe that someone could be so perfect for me but he was. 

Everyday since I heard the news that he passed away in the hospital has been extremely painful. I wake up everyday and have to see all of this stupid mushy couples all over social media bragging about their relationships and I just wish they would shut up. I know I sound bitter but you know what? I am. Its not fair. Why should these other women get to rub it in my face that their boyfriends are still breathing and mine is not. What did I ever do to deserve this? Its hard enough just getting out of bed in the morning. I keep asking complete strangers I talk to at work to bring him back. That's all I want is my baby back. They want to know what they can do to make me feel better? Well they can bring my baby back! 

There's a lot of things about this world that I don't understand and my baby's death is one of them. Why did this have to happen to my baby? It could have been anybody in this world so why him? This is just one of the reasons why I no longer believe in God. I'm an atheist and have been for quite some time. I lost my faith a long time ago. My grief makes me angry and bitter. I admit I take it out on other people a lot because I'm hurting. That's not good obviously but its how I am. I still refer to him as my boyfriend because I feel like we're still boyfriend and girlfriend. 

I love him so much. I refuse to date anybody else from now on. I just can't do it. I don't want anybody else but Brandon. So I'm single by choice. I get hit on so many times at work but I'm not interested in any of them. I just find them creepy and unattractive. They can't hold a candle to Brandon. I just hope he would at least approve of the job that I do. He was only 30 years old. He's three years older than me. He was too young to die. His birthday is March 12, 1992. 

Recently I wrote him a love letter that I thought he would never hear or read. But I read on Google that he can still hear me even though he's gone. My thoughts and feelings go right to him. I can communicate from my heart. So maybe he did hear the love letter. That cheers me up. I bet he's saying ''I love you too baby'' or ''I love you too''. I also bet he's saying ''That's my little sweet face''. I found this game on Google called the hand game that lets you communicate with the dead using your hands. One hand is the yes hand and the other hand is no. So I've been playing around with that with him. I really think its working. Every time I ask him a question the yes had moves/goes down.  I think my baby is trying to communicate back with me. 

That's great but I'm still sad because he's not here physically. I know that he's always in my heart. I miss him so much it hurts. Everyday I think its just some awful dream and that he's not dead. When I first got the news that he passed away I thought it was some kind of sick joke until his own brother confirmed it. Then I just broke down. I think I cried for like 5 or 6 months straight. I just didn't understand why it was happening. Like it was very hard to digest if you know what I mean. It was hard to believe. I didn't understand why it was him of all people. 

His death has never made sense to me. I mean he was still a young man. Like I said earlier he was only 30 years old. He always took care of himself. He stayed in shape and had a beautiful body. I mean he had to do that because he was a dancer among other things. So of course he had to work out and stay in shape. I just don't understand his illness. He was way too young for death. I started hating this world and the universe for taking my baby away from me. I hate this place. I just want to move to planet Saturn. What kind of world takes away an amazing person like him? I just don't understand this world sometimes. Life is not fair as we all know already. 

I saved a bunch of his audio recordings on my phone so I can hear his voice everyday. I have to hear them everyday after work when I doing my little side jobs on the computer. The recordings are of him singing. He had such a beautiful voice. I love his voice. I miss his voice. I still feel like its all a mistake and I'm in the middle of some awful dream that I can't wake up from. 

[KayC]

Welcome here.  I am so sorry for your loss, I understand the things you are saying, I've felt them too.  It helps to come here to read and post, we're like a family from all ovewr the world, but we get each other.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.