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Getting worse instead of better


teekly

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HisMunchkin

I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time.  I'm almost at 7 months and still go through bouts of feeling absolutely awful, so I can empathize.  Has anything changed recently?  Is it a "down" time in a "wave" or "that roller coaster", or do you feel like you've been gradually going down for some time now?  Maybe because people around you aren't reaching out anymore?  Do you have people you can talk to?

You are not alone! 💝

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Thanks Sar123,

I do have a therapist that I speak to monthly and it does help. She reminds me that the first year is the worst, but wow, I have never experienced such paralyzing grief.

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I think by better we don't mean it as in well, but compared to that first week or so, God that was horrible, the shock!

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1 hour ago, DWS said:

"It's Okay That You're Not Okay".

One of the best recommended!  My former pastor used to quote from it a lot.  It's a good book!

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19 hours ago, teekly said:

For the first time since my wife's death, I called in sick to work today. I physically could not get out of bed. I don't know what happened, but it feels like I lost her all over. Worse, since it's been almost 6 months, most of the people I thought I could rely on seem very distant. I know I have changed, I'm not smiling and quiet at work. I'm going through the motions because I have to, but I feel like I'm on the edge of serious depression. Nobody seems to get the depth of this grief, only you folks.  I don't know where else to turn.

I don't think we will ever be our same selves.   So what.... you took a down day.  For me I had no choice but to go back to work very soon after.  I had people depending upon me and of course needed the money.  The expectations we put on ourselves is not real.  Your grief belongs to you.  Allow yourself to go through the motions, the ride, the feels.  Take your day, mope it out, do you.  Tomorrow is a new day, get back on that bike and ride again.  You might just go down the driveway or to the store but eventually you will be going places again.  The depth of this grief is unfathomable at times.  I always go back to what would why my loved one want for me?  He would want me to miss him and he would miss me but he would want me to get back on my feet.  I didn't want to go see a therapist.  Everyone around me sees a therapist and that is ok!!!  Coming here is my therapy.  I am doing me.  I am taking in the outside influences but ultimately what I do is my choice.  I am making choices for me.      

What I think happened is reality set in, everyone else kept moving forward.  There is a bitterness towards that.  Time doesn't stop even though we feel like it has.  I wish I could take your pain away, everyones pain away.... my pain away.  I can't.  We just have to ride the wave.  

maybe this will help....  give yourself permission to be ok, do little things for yourself that you enjoy and if you don't know what those are seek out to find who you are.  I wish you peace and comfort.   We have all been there and some of us still are and some of dip in and out of it. 

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8 hours ago, DWS said:

This awareness of how others are acting certainly adds to our grief. It's something that baffles us..."why is everyone not seeing how devastating this is anymore". It was something that truly scared me because I not only lost my "second half" but those around me who I'm now left with seem alien to me! Who are these people??!! 

Wow,  that's it! Exactly how I feel. Logically I get that people have moved on, but emotionally it's isolating. I have read that book, it was the first thing I read after she died and it certainly validated lots of my feelings. Thanks!

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widower2
14 hours ago, KayC said:

I think by better we don't mean it as in well, but compared to that first week or so, God that was horrible, the shock!

I mean after hitting that dip, gradually it improves for most...

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It does, but when we say it, new grievers don't believe it could ever improve, and I suppose in a way they're right, this is something permanent, but we do learn to live with it and carry our grief. 

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Actually her comments made me feel like she really was seeing me and it felt more supportive than any of the other messages I have had. Saying you will be over it in time I don't find in any way helpful. Deep down we already know this because of the millions who have been here before us but it doesn't feel true when we are in so much pain. On the other hand to say I will never completely be over it is acknowledging the depth of my grief.

And maybe I think too much about it. 🙄

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8 minutes ago, LMR said:

On the other hand to say I will never completely be over it is acknowledging the depth of my grief.

It is true, we are never "over it" and to say anything else doesn't sound true, BUT we also need to administer with that message that in time we learn to carry it.

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On 6/26/2024 at 5:28 PM, KayC said:

One of the best recommended!  My former pastor used to quote from it a lot.  It's a good book!

I agree a good book, its very real.

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I am feeling this all the more since this week will have so many appts taking me away from home, and long distance with no one to drive you makes it all the more complicated.

Friday night my eye started hurting.  Of course on a Fri. night when everything is closed. I used an expired steroid Sat. morning, now a stronger one, also expired.  I need to see an opthomalogist I trust, will call Monday morning.  My concern is I don't have a driver, another reason to miss my husband!

Also, need to tell the contractor to take the used wood to the dump rather than putting on a burn pile to sit over the summer, as we'll have wildfire people coming to assess and it could be a fire hazard to sit there until Fall.  And I'm concerned about all the nails he's pulled out, do not need them in the gravel driveway where they can cause a tire to go flat, seems that happened last time he did some work for me.  Wish I had something to find/pick up metal with.  The one thing I can't find!

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On 6/27/2024 at 12:47 PM, DWS said:

That is really surprising but perhaps your friend is actually saying the quiet part out loud that so many don't or won't. What we often hear in coping with a loved one's death is "you just do" and "eventually, you start to move on"....not exactly the wisest words but on the other hand, do we really want to hear "you don't...you're going to live with the loss and heaviness of grief for eternity"?

Likely, the best words are "you will never be over it but in time, you will feel less pain". That sounds more loving and reassuring.

Have to remember this....you will never be over it but in time you will feel less pain.  It is so true.   I know this from experience of losing my parents.  

It happens with out you looking.  I don't remember when I stopped crying every day.  It was months after his death.....months.   It did just happen.  We get stronger.  I don't know I have been relapsing left and right in my grief.  Just when I think I have some type of grip on it.......boom it hits me.   I am worrying about losing the memories....seems like he is slipping from my brain more and more.  

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On 6/30/2024 at 2:14 AM, KayC said:

Also, need to tell the contractor to take the used wood to the dump rather than putting on a burn pile to sit over the summer, as we'll have wildfire people coming to assess and it could be a fire hazard to sit there until Fall. 

He took that well when I told him this morning.  Still need to talk to him about the nails...my eye is hurting so bad it's hard to think!

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HisMunchkin

 

On 6/29/2024 at 4:35 AM, Adriennelc said:

Grief is like a heavy stone you carry about, it weighs you down and you think about nothing else.  As you travel forward you feel the weight less and less as you become stronger and stronger.  The stone of grief is still there but it doesn't feel as heavy to carry.

My stone must be on a yo-yo diet cause it continues to fluctuate between gaining and losing weight and back again. 

 

On 6/29/2024 at 11:45 AM, WithoutHer said:

I found myself feeling worse because that is what Vickie and I did so often that empty seat next to me, no matter how much I tried, I felt her absence instead of her presence.

I actually feel need to expose myself, when I felt ready, to places we used to go together.  The first time is the most painful, but I find that it gets easier.  I think of it as a way to slowly let my "heart" see that he is really gone.  Like, "see, he's not here either..."  And in that way, slowly adapt. 

 

On 6/30/2024 at 5:14 AM, KayC said:

And I'm concerned about all the nails he's pulled out, do not need them in the gravel driveway where they can cause a tire to go flat, seems that happened last time he did some work for me.  Wish I had something to find/pick up metal with.  The one thing I can't find!

Crazy glue magnets onto a rake and drag the rake through your gravel driveway?  https://www.amazon.com/Neodymium-Magnets-Double-sided-Adhesive-Rare-Earth/dp/B0CHF8GPZ2/ref=sr_1_8?crid=OLF42J8EWB3G&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.4arXRlp5syPoxMy1Txk15FRzB0UFMkwZLjxjRgZGKu-CXSBw4TI0NjNK_JqTe58JhWriMoqPPiqw0sVfMaS7zx5zQYeZqlLVl3bG1fbeYTy00lKEG-p-5g1SOKo9movN4QyZkL4OcESmIlMZrgKS-4a8aaVkzhVVEmlXyzj-KUKmisKJqk6FXhyXwUgePdLNmkJVahmZgoqcguT0uaX2cSNYfhzvuyqoiCHdITACUsc.rdmXj-Ofb5bHkCGqZDgVLSvl6mUtyKg7Vs_oRY4Leho&dib_tag=se&keywords=magnets&qid=1719860717&sprefix=magnets%2Caps%2C106&sr=8-8&th=1

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HisMunchkin
4 minutes ago, KayC said:

I used to have a magnetic thing that worked for that purpose, haven't seen it since the last time he did a roof for me...

I used to have a magnetic thing that worked for that purpose, haven't seen it since the last time he did a roof for me...

I didn't know there was such a thing.  O.k., I found this: https://www.amazon.com/GRIP-53417-Magnetic-Floor-Sweeper/dp/B01LWP1S72/ref=sr_1_36?crid=28ZQ83PXFSHXQ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.7HFma4ocNEKHc7cqGNCrVBG0oapyFAlLU93b2eFSIGKtz2_XSwvdIL8ngcBwd5FiLO9uJ-X99QyNoDgFvgBouQWB2k4LfbHOjIAACiGoeWaKiXZo74b_SlUwB89qPO0EHxT5JjaqTSyDlEW83iDYP88Yf0qZlLkXRDh-RC5dPZPa8XHVwDUszmyV9lPdiJd4n6E_fKgpocYWwGpzQf8DxUbBCOidF0tYRbS06yRQj-lVsczuZiuvyFNA1BtdIIuzGnla3VqD1odLYdIalCs95-m7bAUrqH61rxwQum89Li8.4ghPw1Hniz1u7kJSvJwgRSNC6kVxeR32CXZRRwWbYcU&dib_tag=se&keywords=nail%2Bmagnet&qid=1719863029&sprefix=nail%2Bmagnet%2Caps%2C117&sr=8-36&th=1

LOL - I just posted a link to something similar. 😛

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WithoutHer
36 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I actually feel need to expose myself, when I felt ready, to places we used to go together.  The first time is the most painful, but I find that it gets easier.  I think of it as a way to slowly let my "heart" see that he is really gone.  Like, "see, he's not here either..."  And in that way, slowly adapt. 

That didn't work for me. I took more than just a couple of drives and different locations. Even wrote about a couple of them here. I know she's not here but her absence removes the joy and that's something I haven't gotten past. My life was just so different and enjoyable with Vickie. So different from my prior relationships especially the last one. And I know it was the same for her. She like too many women had not one but two abusive ones back to back. I can't take these drives that were OUR drives and enjoy any part of them. I can take a drive to a doctor's office or a store with purpose. I just can't do the ones which were just for our enjoyment any more. And some of them were all day adventures.

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WithoutHer
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Bought it.

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WithoutHer
12 minutes ago, KayC said:

Bought it.

Good deal. I used some a similar item years ago when I had a house re-roofed. The only difference it these short magnetic rake tongs as well. They launched all the shingles and nails in the front, including drive way, and back yards of a forty foot rancher. While they loaded the shingles in a truck they left a ton of those broad head roofing nails. The driveway was easy. I went over the grass at least a dozen times before I felt safe enough to use the tractor to cut the lawn.

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14 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

The driveway was easy

It's easy where the paving is, but harder where the graveled carport is.  Not even sure it'll get it all even then but will try.  If it saves a tire it's worth it.  If not, I'm only out $22.99.

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HisMunchkin
On 7/1/2024 at 4:04 PM, WithoutHer said:

her absence removes the joy

Of course it does!  That's why visiting those places is so painful.  For me, though, the more exposure, the less the pain.  No joy, though.  Just less pain.   I don't even need to leave the house.  Even now, something around the house would shoot me a reminder that he's gone, which is usually followed by an ache in the chest.  There's nothing else I can do, though.  He is gone.  Those good days are over.  Now, just feeling less pain is a blessing.

 

 

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Great post!

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widower2
2 hours ago, KayC said:

I encourage you not to cut off everyone you were close to...I didn't have to, they all cut ME off immediately.  To lose my husband and each friend and his family all at once was beyond horrific.  It happens too much.  Do tell them you need a break, that it's overwhelming and then take your space until you feel differently.

I agree. I get wanting to shy away, and esp if they are insensitive/clueless about your loss (the "time to move on" BS), but I also lost all ties to our friends and her family (well those I wanted to be in touch with) and it made it that much harder...I had no one to share memories with of her. Again I get wanting to keep your distance, but try not to slam that door shut completely; you may regret it.

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13 hours ago, KayC said:

I encourage you not to cut off everyone you were close to...I didn't have to, they all cut ME off immediately.  To lose my husband and each friend and his family all at once was beyond horrific.  It happens too much.  Do tell them you need a break, that it's overwhelming and then take your space until you feel differently.

My Wifes parents are the only people who contact my Son and I, and this is not that much to be honest. The rest of her family its tumbleweed, never hear from them, but we never did when my Wife was here anyway. On my side of the family yes there are people who text etc and ask about us. However, the old cliche is true where people vanish after the funeral and also if a friend or family member is a good person before someone passes, then they will be good after someone passes. The same as true for bad people, they will be just as bad after someone passes. A leopard never changes it spots.

We have made some very good friends though, who happen to be widows/widowers who live nearby, they can obviously fully relate to our situation.

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WithoutHer

Lately have been a bit anxious and anxiety. I can't think of anything specific that brings it on other either being alone or my grief. Maybe It's a combination of both but today the feeling is very deep and overwhelming. Going to hit the alprozalam and hope it helps. The daily Buspirone isn't doing it today. It's making me feel a level of panic without reason and I don't know what else to do.

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I haven't had anything like that with Buspirone.   I hope you feel better.  My stress was through the roof yesterday through this morning, too much going on, I think it's calmed down finally.  All extenuating circumstances...

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