What I've learned

[LMR]

So, for the last month I have been going to counseling. It's hard to judge if I really get anything out of it. Sometimes I come away a total mess, other times I'm calm. But it's become clear to me that the main thing is that I need to talk about my husband. Not just yakking away about him all day though it has been nice to talk to her about him but somehow I need to bring him into my present day existence. Somehow I understand that I need this even though I don't exactly know what I mean or how to go about it. Any suggestions?

[KayC]

I talk to my husband in my head, not sure that's what you meant but it works for me.  Sometimes I get what I sense is his approval, although that was always a given...but given how much time has transpired and how old I am, it means a lot.  Sometimes I just tell him how much I miss him.  A lot.

[widower2]

Talk ABOUT your husband, or talk TO your husband? Talking about him I would hope family/friends would help, along with counseling. 

Sometimes I talk to her out loud. No clue if she's out there listening or not, but nothing to lose. I don't mean full-blown conversations, but mostly little "one liners"/simple, quick comments on something or other.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

I do the same, talk to Veronica, in my head as KayC says, or out loud as I go through the day.  I tell her when I am leaving the house and when I return.  Just like “before”.  And every day, I whisper an I love you and I miss you.  

[KayC]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

Talk ABOUT your husband, or talk TO your husband? Talking about him I would hope family/friends would help, along with counseling. 

Sometimes I talk to her out loud. No clue if she's out there listening or not, but nothing to lose. I don't mean full-blown conversations, but mostly little "one liners"/simple, quick comments on something or other.

Wouldn't you first have to have people to talk to, to talk ABOUT him?  I don't see anyone around.  And personally, if I am graced with Iris' presence, it doesn't do my George justice to talk to her about him...she either goes in the house and shuts the door or she's not around...or tells me I should go on a single site.

IF I can see my kids, I can talk to them, but that's a pretty bit IF.

[DWS]

16 hours ago, LMR said:

 but somehow I need to bring him into my present day existence. Somehow I understand that I need this even though I don't exactly know what I mean or how to go about it. Any suggestions?

That's a toughie knowing again that you're not in the surroundings and background that was familiar to you with your husband. For me, there is the spot at the table where my partner often sat with his laptop. I can stare at it and still picture him there which helps bring him into the present day. His photo sits on my desk during the work day. I feel as if he's part of my "team". He's certainly the supportive part of it.

One of the things that brings me comfort is sitting watching tv in the evenings with his photo on the coffee table. I throw out my little comments and quips just as I did previously when we sat watching it together. Over these past two years, I've been catching up on a lot of old classic movies and have been fascinated at the number of familiar actors that I've only known in their later years...so I'll say out loud to him "there's Sam Drucker from Petticoat Junction" or "hey...that's Charlie from Star Trek". I know if Tom was sitting there with me, he'd be just as fascinated and amused as I am.

I don't know whether that gives you some idea of how to bring your husband into your everyday but it's what I've needed. I suppose one could question how healthy this is in the long run (or if I'm going completely mad...lol) but this grief journey is a crazy one anyway. We can either try to will it away...valiantly say "life's too short for tears"...which may and does work for some. For others of us...certainly for many who drift into a discussions forum like this one...we are looking for something else because we just can't quit them!

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Wouldn't you first have to have people to talk to, to talk ABOUT him?  I don't see anyone around.  And personally, if I am graced with Iris' presence, it doesn't do my George justice to talk to her about him...she either goes in the house and shuts the door or she's not around...or tells me I should go on a single site.

IF I can see my kids, I can talk to them, but that's a pretty bit IF.

I'm forced to think along the same line. There are those of us that don't have that available and it's actually painful to me when it's suggested. I'm thankful however that at least Vickie's daughter touches base with me once a month or so. But it's not the same as having someone to talk to in those moments you really need that person that can listen and understand. Even voicing thoughts here is only partially helpful because it doesn't replace a live conversion.

[HisMunchkin]

On 6/24/2024 at 3:41 PM, LMR said:

but somehow I need to bring him into my present day existence.

What does that mean to you?  What do you need to talk about regarding your husband?  How you feel or felt about him?  How he felt about you?  Things he used to like, dislike, how he behaved, what you guys used to do, etc.? 

[LMR]

@DWS That's largely the problem, I have nobody to talk to. After almost 4 years others don't expect you to still be in such pain.

A friend who had moved away before he died messages me that he is watching the sport with him! He says he makes comments and in his head hears his response, he feels close. I told my counselor and she thought it was beautiful, said that's what I need. I do talk to him but there is no reply, I don't feel him near and I don't know why.

[LMR]

11 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

What does that mean to you?  What do you need to talk about regarding your husband?  How you feel or felt about him?  How he felt about you?  Things he used to like, dislike, how he behaved, what you guys used to do, etc.? 

I need to feel like he isn't forgotten. I don't forget, I know I never will but sometimes it feels like he never existed.

[KayC]

He will never be gone so long as you keep him alive in your heart.  Imagine his response if he could say it to you, perhaps that's what he means, I've never audibly heard George either, but I knew him so well, I can imagine his response to different situations, and know what it'd be to me.

[DWS]

10 hours ago, LMR said:

A friend who had moved away before he died messages me that he is watching the sport with him! He says he makes comments and in his head hears his response, he feels close. I told my counselor and she thought it was beautiful, said that's what I need. I do talk to him but there is no reply, I don't feel him near and I don't know why.

I think that's beautiful too and that's the sort of thing that she is encouraging you to adopt into your everyday. Hopefully, you will open that part of you...perhaps it's still too painful. Before posting this, I experienced an example of how I bring my partner Tom into my present. He wasn't fond of overly ripe bananas. We used to laugh about that. I would make sure that there weren't too many dark spots on his. When he'd find one, the big baby would playfully go "ewww" and then give it to me. So today, there were two very ripe bananas on my counter which made me say to him out loud "oh...you'd be running the other way if I tried to get you to eat one of those!" I laughed and then tears welled up in my eyes....and that's my world!

[KayC]

That's a sweet remembrance. 💙

[Bou]

3 hours ago, DWS said:

I think that's beautiful too and that's the sort of thing that she is encouraging you to adopt into your everyday. Hopefully, you will open that part of you...perhaps it's still too painful. Before posting this, I experienced an example of how I bring my partner Tom into my present. He wasn't fond of overly ripe bananas. We used to laugh about that. I would make sure that there weren't too many dark spots on his. When he'd find one, the big baby would playfully go "ewww" and then give it to me. So today, there are two very ripe bananas on my counter which made me say to him out loud "oh...you'd be running the other way if I tried to get you to eat one of those!" I laughed and then tears welled up in my eyes....and that's my world!

I feel the same way about those bananas.  yuck!  Mushy yuck.

I talk to him all the time.  I reach out for solid advice from him.  He was more level headed then me.... me more the fun one.  We balanced each other.   I ask him for wisdom, helps, patience, oh all kinds of things.

Every once in a while I go to the bookstore and have my therapy time in the self help books.  End up crying and have the need to get out of there.  It helps.  Oddly  enough it does help.  I read for as long as I can stand it and then go.  It gets me out of the house, it forces me to face reality, it gives me knowledge.    You don't have to stay until you are bawling like I do but enough to get filled up.  Then I move forward, walk the mall or a store, find something small to do for myself.  This helps me.  I never buy the book because I don't want to be in these stages forever.  I will miss him forever but I have to move forward.  I am hopeful. 

[LMR]

Yesterday I had an assessment with a new counselor. The other one I was seeing as a stop gap, she is not specifically a bereavement counselor and whilst talking to her helped it was really just me talking. This new person is a grief counselor. We did talk a bit about where I am and then he explained a little of how he works. I am feeling very positive. 😊

[KayC]

Wishing you the best with it!

[HisMunchkin]

On 6/26/2024 at 4:59 AM, LMR said:

but sometimes it feels like he never existed.

You know, I sometimes wonder if he ever existed too!  It's so weird!?!  But I still have all his clothes, shoes, etc. here as proof.  And also all the photos and memories.  Do you have anything of his that you kept?

 

On 6/26/2024 at 10:53 AM, DWS said:

He wasn't fond of overly ripe bananas. We used to laugh about that. I would make sure that there weren't too many dark spots on his. When he'd find one, the big baby would playfully go "ewww" and then give it to me.

Mine did the exact same thing!  I like it more ripe and he likes it spotless, so I end up finishing the bananas that he no longer wanted.

 

On 6/29/2024 at 3:59 AM, LMR said:

Yesterday I had an assessment with a new counselor. The other one I was seeing as a stop gap, she is not specifically a bereavement counselor and whilst talking to her helped it was really just me talking. This new person is a grief counselor. We did talk a bit about where I am and then he explained a little of how he works. I am feeling very positive. 😊

That's awesome!  💝

[LMR]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

You know, I sometimes wonder if he ever existed too!  It's so weird!?!  But I still have all his clothes, shoes, etc. here as proof.  And also all the photos and memories.  Do you have anything of his that you kept?

  

I have a lot of his clothes!! I even have some underpants. 😂 It's not that I'm sentimental about them, I just couldn't accept that he wouldn't be needing them. Lots of photos too, sadly no video. I know it's a crazy illogical thought but then again death is illogical to me.

[WithoutHer]

15 minutes ago, LMR said:

I have a lot of his clothes!! I even have some underpants. 😂 It's not that I'm sentimental about them, I just couldn't accept that he wouldn't be needing them. Lots of photos too, sadly no video. I know it's a crazy illogical thought but then again death is illogical to me.

Know the feeling. For me it's Vickie's stuff and it sits where it was the day she passed. I just can't move it. Yes it's illogical but it's all I have of her.

[LMR]

On feeling like he never existed I also felt like my life hadn't existed either. I was 20 when I met him, my whole adult life I have been his partner or wife. Taking that away I feel like I have still to grow up.

We kept each other young but this is another of those crazy feelings.

[P777]

19 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Know the feeling. For me it's Vickie's stuff and it sits where it was the day she passed. I just can't move it. Yes it's illogical but it's all I have of her.

I am keeping every single thing that my Wife owned, for the rest of my life. Most of it is in exactly the same position as she left it. Only a few things I have moved to a different place in the house. We had used seperate wardrobes for years, so now I just simply use my wardrobe, and leave my Wifes clothes etc where it is. Its not doing any harm. When I am ready I will move it into storage boxes, but like I said I will keep everything for as long as I breathe this air...

[Bou]

19 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Know the feeling. For me it's Vickie's stuff and it sits where it was the day she passed. I just can't move it. Yes it's illogical but it's all I have of her.

I am like this with his ashes.  He looks out over the kitchen his favorite place.

I have moved some of his stuff along.  Donated some clothes and goodwill some.  The kids have taken what they have wanted.  I still have a lot to  move on.  I want these things to be used and not just sit until they are no good.  Finding the time to do all of this is what I struggle with along with just trying to keep up with the everyday everyday.  

I say do what works for you.  In your own time.

[widower2]

Exactly.......