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Lost them all and now alone


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Hello,

I thought this might be a good place to voice my thoughts and feelings. Currently I have been thrown out of my family and I chose to leave my country due to real death threats from my family. That was back in 2008. I actually managed to get out in 2010. Now I am in a safe country. I cut off all communication with anyone from that country and started a whole new life for myself here. In 2018 I found out that my mother died. This is found out through looking at news clippings and there was her name listed. I had not talked to her since 2010. That was a big blow for me. Now I am here living my life and now I feel like I am alone. No matter what I do I feel alone and rejected forever. It seems that trying to move on and live my life I always seem to fall into the same pit of despair. 😞 I’m really not sure how to move on with my life. Whenever I have a problem with my partner I have this feelings of intense loneliness and not having anyone to back me up. No safety net, no nothing. It’s a really bad and lonely feeling. I just wanted to put it out there cos it really hurts too much.

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Maybe this won't resonate with you, but many years ago my fiance  broke up with me without any breakup or reason given, nothing, nada.  I had a hard time with that.  I remember reading something that really helped me:
"Sometimes we have to create our own closure."

That stuck with me.  Regardless of relationship, or how things went down.  It has really helped me over the years.  A good reason given might be helpful to us, sure, but this is not about them, it's about us...they are gone.  We continue to live.  

I am sorry for your mom's loss.  Normally this is where I would post Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song but that doesn't seem applicable in this situation.  Neither did it with the loss of my own mom 10 years ago.  And that's okay. We aren't all given great parents and I think that breaking the chain of child abuse or controlling behavior  did that in my family, and I am proud of myself and my siblings for doing a great job raising our kids and being supportive of each other over the years.  

Where is everyone?  That is something I wonder as I'm growing old alone.  I'm in my 70s now, living alone with my service dog and feral cat...I don't hear from my siblings (two have passed, one in 2018 and my one that was always here emotionally was disabled and had dementia, I was her caregiver, she died over two years ago, her husband of 50 years died 1 1/2 years before her, he was always here for me too.)  I have three siblings left, one that never had much to do with us (the youngest), and two others, one blind, one paralyzed with Guillain's Barre from a shingrix shot, but she has a great husband that does everything for her, both of them do...whereas my own husband died 19 years ago Father's Day, that year was the 19th.  No one called me or sent cards or in any way thought of me.  My "friend" and neighbor? She tried to get me to join a singles site.  Very inappropriate, ya think?! 

How is it I can feel totally closer to strangers than these others?  My grandchildren and son live three hours from me, not always feasible with gas and road conditions as they are.  My daughter's birthday is Wednesday, trying to get her to set a time we can celebrate, it's like pulling teeth.

Life isn't always what it's cracked up to be, that's for sure.  But one thing I have learned is it's important to have purpose.  To get up every day and look for good in it.  I learned that going through my husband's death.  God put a refrigerator magnet in front of me back then, here is a picture of it:
 

  

Find joy in every day.jpg

And here is the article I wrote ten years after my husband's death...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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Thank you. What you said about where is everyone is exactly how I feel. Also the fact that we have to find our own closure. I think what shocks me the most is how life is and how really in the end we are alone. Therefore what do you do with that? If it makes any sense I feel like I am still in shock about how cruel life is and how horrible the reality really is. It paints a very stark picture and one that makes me feel what is the point? Yes I now what you mean about feeling closer to strangers. This really sucks. Right now I need to find my own closure somehow in my reality and it’s something to work towards. Thank you for your post

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You are welcome.  I sure don't know where everyone is.  I think I'm in my own shock at it.  I saw my little sister posted my granddaughter's performace in the Nutcracker (ballet), she was adorable.  What I want to know is where was my invite and why do I learn everything second hand from my sister.  I know she's only an hour away and has a husband to drive her but...

I am in survival mode myself.  Disappearing contractors, financial hardship, my right hand went completely numb this week, if it weren't for my dog...

I was an admin on my diabetic group and a few months ago the other admin took me off and invited me to be a moderator!  I was in shock, with no discussion, we were friends for 8 years, this isn't how you do things!  If he dies the group is gone.  Everything we've worked for all these years, what about all the people left hanging?  I don't get it.  

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