Preparing for new loss

[ThereIsAField]

My dad got a cancer diagnosis yesterday. So I'm preparing for new loss.

I have been anyway, because my dog's 13 and visibly slowing down.

I hate this ****.

(Hah, yeah well, that was a swear word, but the forum auto-corrected it to stars.)

[HisMunchkin]

I am so sorry about your father's cancer diagnosis. 😔  How are you coping?  Feel free to let it all out here if you feel like it.  And also sorry to hear that your dog is slowing down.  I have a dog too, whom I treat like my child so I understand.  Life can really throw some ****  in one's face.  I wish you the strength to endure this rough time.  You are not alone! 💝

[ThereIsAField]

Hi @HisMunchkin  thanks 💙

Ugh, I have no idea... I'm a mess of contradictory emotions... which we've all come to learn is totally normal with grief.

I've reached out to the hospice colleagues where I volunteer. They're amazing and I know they'll help me get through this.

My dad lives really far away, so I've reached out to some hospices there too.

Waiting for my brother to call me back next week (he's away for the weekend).

I dunno... I'm up and down with it...

I found out nearly 12 hours ago now... and the first 11 hours I was mostly numb... Had some important and stressful appointments to deal with today... Got the news just as I was leaving for the first appt and just sort of white-knuckled through it... For the last hour now, tears have finally started coming, so I feel like I'm not just stuffing down the emotions now...

But at the same time, I do want to stuff them all back... I don't want to deal with any of this stuff... I've had enough pain and loss.. I want the rest of my life to be a pain-and-loss-free-zone... Haha, yeah, very likely, I realise...

I just feel like I can't carry EVEN MORE of this stuff, you know? I'm already breaking under this load of grief I'm carrying... How much more can I bear?

Will I break? Will something in me break?

Or is it just the dumb, useless stuff that's being sloughed off me, and I'll be left with the things that truly matter? Am I like a jagged rock that's being worn smooth in the river of this pain?

This stuff really focusses the mind, doesn't it... You realise how petty and irrelevant all the petty and irrelevant stuff in life really is...

Thanks for letting me just blurt out whatever came to mind... It's such a mess that I feel like I can't put anything coherent into words... Can only messily spew out whatever arises... Sigh....

[HisMunchkin]

22 minutes ago, ThereIsAField said:

I just feel like I can't carry EVEN MORE of this stuff, you know?

I get it, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. 😔  If you need to cry, though, do let yourself do that.  Sometimes, it's what your body needs.  You will not break, though it feels like it.  I've felt the same.  Just a few days after my husband's death, some other very stressful events also came up which I was forced to deal with.  I felt very overwhelmed at times like I would break down somehow, especially given the anxiety I was feeling.  So I can kind of empathize.  Hang in there, be kind to yourself and try to find some time each day to just clear your mind and relax.  Cry if you need to, and let out whatever you feel like letting out here.  We've all experienced something similar.  The news of the diagnosis is shocking.  Your reactions are to be expected.  Wishing you strength and sending you good vibes.  *Big Hugs* 💝 

[ThereIsAField]

Thanks @HisMunchkin that's so sweet of you.

I've got such compassion fatigue... I'm so burned out... I never seem to be able to summon that kind of care and compassion these days anymore... It makes me feel guilty often... Like I should be able to give that, like I used to be able to... Also makes me feel guilty to receive that kind of care myself... sigh...

Just saw this on MSNBC... very fitting timing for me today...

I must say I am finding some silver linings in all this... One is that a cancer diagnosis gives us time to say good bye and gives my dad time to settle his affairs... (which a sudden, unexpected death would not provide)... And seeing Katie Phang talking about Alzheimers (if I heard that right, she only mentioned it briefly) ... It makes me realise that that would've been my Dad's aboslute worst nightmare... getting Alzheimers... He's such an independent person, such a thinker, an intellectual... "Losing his marbles" would've been the worst possible outcome for him... So that's something to be grateful for too, that as things stand, it's unlikely that Alzheimers could show up before the cancer eventually gets him...

 

[KayC]

@ThereIsAField I am so sorry.  So hard, and right before Father's Day makes it all the harder.  And your dog getting old, that's a truly tough pill to swallow as well.  Know that our thoughts are with you...

[HisMunchkin]

Awww... that video was sad but touching.

 

8 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

I've got such compassion fatigue... I'm so burned out... I never seem to be able to summon that kind of care and compassion these days anymore...  It makes me feel guilty often... Like I should be able to give that, like I used to be able to... Also makes me feel guilty to receive that kind of care myself... sigh...

That is understandable.  When your own resources are depleted, it's hard to give compassion.  That's why you need to try to give yourself compassion first.  Take care of yourself and "re-energize", so to speak.  And no need to feel guilty for receiving that kind of care.  It makes the giver feel good too, being able to help you in any way possible.  I'm sure you've felt it too and know what I mean.

 

8 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

I must say I am finding some silver linings in all this... One is that a cancer diagnosis gives us time to say good bye and gives my dad time to settle his affairs... (which a sudden, unexpected death would not provide)... And seeing Katie Phang talking about Alzheimers (if I heard that right, she only mentioned it briefly) ... It makes me realise that that would've been my Dad's aboslute worst nightmare... getting Alzheimers... He's such an independent person, such a thinker, an intellectual... "Losing his marbles" would've been the worst possible outcome for him... So that's something to be grateful for too, that as things stand, it's unlikely that Alzheimers could show up before the cancer eventually gets him...

👍 

*Big Hugs* 💝