Wilder gone after 16 months

[WilderPappy]

New member of the club here. My grandson Wilder was taken from us on the 25th of May after a horrific accident. He was with his mother and was asleep and aspirated. Terrible. We (My Wife and I) were called at 10 that night and raced an hour away only to walk into the ER to his lifeless body. Wilder and his mother live with us and while she is at work my wife tended to him. I work as a firefighter and on my off days we spent all day together. No words. Life seems over. Because of the nature of the event and his age we had to endure and autopsy, and it was almost 2 weeks before we could get him back. We buried him on the 6th. This as all of you know has wrecked our world. We have other kids, but they are all grown except for our 16 yo who is still running from this trauma. 

I have read here for a bit before deciding to join and now post. Our home looks like a day care, all this toys, books, clothes. My phone is full of him just starting to walk, swinging in his swing singing and sounds of pure joy when I push him high. I cannot look at it. without breaking down. His room is untouched. We can't bear to touch anything. We are devastated and destroyed. We are a Christian family, but this has rocked our faith in things as you all know. 

Some people have said that he wasn't my kid, but Wilders father is and was invisible. I was his Pappy and his dad. I pray for comfort and healing and get torment in return. We were getting ready for his visitation, and I went to look at my clothes in the mirror and see his sweet handprint there. I go to get batteries out of a cabinet and his half-eaten donut that I would sneak him while my wife's back was turned falls in front of me bringing another episode of tears and pain. We now go to the cemetery twice a day. I'm not going to let me be alone if I can help it. So this is our life. We had the perfect life with him. We are great grandparents as well as parent figures. We are lost!

 

[KayC]

OMG, how horrible for you and your family to go through!  I am so sorry for your loss, I know it's tremendous.  My heart goes out to you, I wish I had more than mere words to offer.  
Child Loss
Child loss indefinite

[MistyN]

So sorry for your loss, I lost my only son and he was only 13yrs old. He was special need but he was our life. You and your wife gave him the best of his years and all those memories you've built together have to hurt. Losing a young child leaves you with so many questions that will never be answer. My son lead us to our faith yet, here we are and I'm still struggling with that at times..Just one step in front of the other at each moment that's all we can do. My prayers are with you and your family.

[WilderPappy]

Misty..thank you for your reply as well as prayers. We need them. We are only a month or so out from this and the pain every day is unreal. I have a newfound respect for people who have lost children. This is something no one should have to endure. I feel so very guilty as I still am unable to see pictures of him or videos of him without breaking down. There are no words to explain the level of sadness and loss. I lost my mother 5 years ago suddenly and that was tough no doubt, but this is on another level. Wilder was our world. He and his mother live with us so like I said in my first post, he was our son basically. I know for a fact he loved his life! He had it made. And now our lives are forever changed. We have 5 kids, and my wife is really hoping for another Grandchild as I am too, but I don't see how I can even begin to love another the way I love him. I know it's probably too soon to even think about but at this point I couldn't do it. I go and see him every day and will continue to do so until I die. I will not let him be alone ever. My daughter and Wife are in the process of getting his marker sorted out and when it arrives it will bring a whole new level of sadness, seeing his name etc. there on his grave. I am lost. We are lost. We talk about how we were cheated, robbed of the greatest source of joy in our lives. We are a Christian family and frankly I have and will continue to pray for comfort, understanding of Gods will and plan. I do not feel as of now any comfort from above. Only pain and sadness. I am 61 and the only positive I see in all of this is at least I won't have to live many more years with this, unlike my daughter. 

 

[Naxira]

I can't imagine how hard this loss has been for you. I hope you're doing well.

[WilderPappy]

Many people ask that question, well the answer is I and we are doing. I visit my sweet boy every day and twice when I can. Some days it helps greatly, other days it is just the opposite. Phone pics and videos are the worst and the best rolled up into one. I would imagine this is true for all who have lost someone close to them, but a 16-month-old perfect boy who was just getting ready to be who he was is truly gut wrenching when you see those pictures or videos just a day or two before he left us. They say time will heal and I suspect that is true to a point. I only know how I feel and how much I want to see that stuff without breaking down. To see it and smile and laugh instead of crying. Who knows. The worst part is seeing others with kids at least at this point. When I came home from work in the morning, Wilder was always there with his arms stretched out for me to pick him up and give him the tour. The tour was he would point at everything, and I would carry him over and pick it up and show it to him. He would open the fridge and point to ketchup etc.  You get the jest of this game. It did not matter where we were I would always be required to give the tour. We were in a restaurant yesterday and a younger father came in with a toddler and he was carrying him, and the child was pointing, arm outstretched with that finger. I saw this and just lost it then and there. These are the things that, in my limited time going through this, are the worst and bring the most pain. Reminders of the special times and things we did together. SO am I doing well, nah, far from it, but I am doing and appreciate your thoughts.

[Naxira]

I wish you to find peace soon.

[WilderPappy]

Naxria,

Thank you for your thoughts but that is something that may never happen. It's been a little over 4 months since our Wilder left us and it seems like years instead of months. Hard to believe but that's how it seems. My wife and I have tried to venture out if nothing more than to get out of our all too quiet home. All the reminders of our sweet boy all around. Pictures everywhere, his swing on the front porch that he loved, random bottles of bubbles in drawers you get the picture. So, peace is something not attainable at least at this point. We are trying to survive period. I can't imagine what this will look and feel like after years have gone by. Will the tears someday stop, or will they continue everyday like they have for the past months. God only knows.