Alone, no kids

[teekly]

I've seen this topic mentioned before, so forgive if it's repetitious. I lost my wife in January 2024 to cancer. Until the last week of her life, when hospice came to our home daily, I was her only caregiver and grateful to be able to do so. We don't have any children. I'm struggling not only with grief, but also a loss of identity. I do have 2 dogs, but being responsible for them does not fill the void of being my wife's caregiver. We were married 15 years, I'm 52 years old, have no desire to "reinvent" myself,  and never considered the possibility of life without my wife. Being alone, single now feels so empty and meaningless. For those of you that don't have any children to focus on or care for, how do you find the strength, will, desire to go on? 

[KayC]

I was also 52 when I lost my husband. I will be 72 this year. My kids were grown and gone, my dog is my life. 

 

[widower2]

1 hour ago, teekly said:

I've seen this topic mentioned before, so forgive if it's repetitious. I lost my wife in January 2024 to cancer. Until the last week of her life, when hospice came to our home daily, I was her only caregiver and grateful to be able to do so. We don't have any children. I'm struggling not only with grief, but also a loss of identity. I do have 2 dogs, but being responsible for them does not fill the void of being my wife's caregiver. We were married 15 years, I'm 52 years old, have no desire to "reinvent" myself,  and never considered the possibility of life without my wife. Being alone, single now feels so empty and meaningless. For those of you that don't have any children to focus on or care for, how do you find the strength, will, desire to go on? 

I'm very sorry. My situation was very similar. Not helping was "friends" disappearing too, and I don't have family I'm close to, but maybe you're in a better situation where someone can help to some degree? Generally, I have no magic answer, but while it's a cliche, it's an apt one: just worry about today, not tomorrow or next week etc. Each day is more than enough to deal with itself. If you're working, maybe you can throw yourself into that more. I would also consider grief counseling (not a generic therapist, but one that specializes in grief) and/or support groups. Also try to keep busy if you can...even something as simple as house work or yard work for me beat just sitting around stewing in my misery, at least some focus was elsewhere. Even hobbies (if you don't have one, maybe try something new) can help.

Bottom line: it may seem impossible now, but you can survive this. If I can, anyone can...

[HisMunchkin]

Welcome!  I lost my husband to Cancer last December.  We also don't have kids.  My dog did help he keep going, though.  She's like my kid to me.  Nothing can fill that void as far as I know.  I just kept going, one day at a time.  Surviving, adapting, reading a lot, talking to peeps here.  Enduring seems easier with time.  You are not alone! 💝

[DWS]

No kids here. One big thing that I told myself from day one is that I have the story of my partner and our lives together to tell. It's a unique tale because the two of us were unique...just as it is with you and your wife. You hold that interesting history of the two of you. One can eventually find strength in it despite all of the continual emotional pain...and identity can eventually be shaped by it. 

[teekly]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

1 hour ago, DWS said:

 I have the story of my partner and our lives together to tell. It's a unique tale because the two of us were unique...just as it is with you and your wife. You hold that interesting history of the two of you. 

 

Wow, thank you so much! I never even considered that, and I'm trained as a writer! While it's a little raw emotionally to tell our story now, you're absolutely right, it's a pretty unique tale that is worth telling.  Incredibly helpful advice 🤗

[Boggled]

Journaling was helpful for me!  Part of the idea is (I think) that as we EXPRESS our feelings, even if just in a journal, it works to get them out of us onto paper.  Also expressing feelings on here ... and getting answers!  from others who "get it."   

It's possible to search this site, depending on which part of the site you're on ... either on an individual thread to just search that individual thread, or on a  section (like for instance this "loss of a partner" section) to search through the whole section, or even the whole site (by going to "home"), by clicking when you're on whichever part you want to search, (and you have to be signed in, btw), on the search box at the top of the page with the little magnifying glass in it, and putting in what word/s you want to search for.  I'm not sure if putting a phrase in quotes (for instance, "continuing bonds" works to only bring up the phrase, or not.  I do this while on my PC, not on my phone (I'm not that good with phones).  

[shawnt]

The hardest part of the journey: Who am I now without her ? It's a tough road; I know it sounds trite but we learn that one day at a time. 

The most brutal truth about our loss is that life goes on ( even against my will )

I am becoming someone new whether I like it or not. With some distance from the searing agony of initial grief I can choose ( some days) to count what's been lost or focus on how beautiful the sunrise was this morning. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

Not helping was "friends" disappearing too

Absolutely, I went through that too.
Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

I'm glad you suggested getting out, hobbies, journaling, all great to do.

[Boggled]

Standing alone "I" ask:  "so I am someone too?"

Because I'm realizing that my identity became so enmeshed and intertwined with BEING my husband's wife, 

that I thought being-my-husband's-wife was me.

Asking the air:  "so I am someone too?" is like this vast gigantic but not unwelcoming emptiness but I think it's saying, "yes."    and man, it makes me feel cautious.  ... but ... my husband loved ME, whoever "I" am, he loved this person that is me, so somehow someone (that is "me") IS t/here AND he found that someone he perceived as a separate person loveable.  

"We" intertwined.  Absolutely.  But just by BEING, day following day, "I" am BEING someone on my own now.  hahaha ... a very cautious person!    to explore a bit of this vast gigantic emptiness ... of a separate "me????!!!"     nah.  yes.   

I imagine Steve ... saying ... "it's okay you can love me and still be a person."  "because I love YOU."   

"yeah, whoever "I" am," I reply sarcastically ... in my head.   so a few baby steps on my own ... again.  Being ... uh... "me."   

 

[P777]

On 6/4/2024 at 12:15 AM, teekly said:

I've seen this topic mentioned before, so forgive if it's repetitious. I lost my wife in January 2024 to cancer. Until the last week of her life, when hospice came to our home daily, I was her only caregiver and grateful to be able to do so. We don't have any children. I'm struggling not only with grief, but also a loss of identity. I do have 2 dogs, but being responsible for them does not fill the void of being my wife's caregiver. We were married 15 years, I'm 52 years old, have no desire to "reinvent" myself,  and never considered the possibility of life without my wife. Being alone, single now feels so empty and meaningless. For those of you that don't have any children to focus on or care for, how do you find the strength, will, desire to go on? 

So sincerely sorry for your loss. 15 years is a lomg time. I do have a Son, but replying anyway. I dont think anything will ever replace the void of losing a spouse. We just have to try and live, and not just exist without the loved one we have lost. Yes, kids can keep us busy, but also a constant reminder of their future with just one parent to love and guide them. For me, my faith has really helped me, through the darkest days. I have a couple of hobbies too, which I try and maintain like keeping fit and learning a language. Also I talk to my Wife with my Son or alone...

[Bou]

On 6/3/2024 at 7:15 PM, teekly said:

I've seen this topic mentioned before, so forgive if it's repetitious. I lost my wife in January 2024 to cancer. Until the last week of her life, when hospice came to our home daily, I was her only caregiver and grateful to be able to do so. We don't have any children. I'm struggling not only with grief, but also a loss of identity. I do have 2 dogs, but being responsible for them does not fill the void of being my wife's caregiver. We were married 15 years, I'm 52 years old, have no desire to "reinvent" myself,  and never considered the possibility of life without my wife. Being alone, single now feels so empty and meaningless. For those of you that don't have any children to focus on or care for, how do you find the strength, will, desire to go on? 

Baby steps.  Every single day, minute and hour.   My daughter sprung it on me that she was moving two hours away with her boyfriend. Empty nest and I never thought I was going to be an empty nester.  I am feeling you. I too struggle with the loss of identity.  He was my everything.  Never thought the week before he died going into the hospital he was not coming back out.  Never ever.  We all know we are not going to live forever but you don't truly think.know until it happens.  It happened fast.  I am struggling with Who am I?  How do I maintain this big ass house myself that I run my business out of.  I don't have the desire to go on most days.  but I do it.  I don't do it with not an uneasy feeling.  I have had to learn to pay bills, cook, fix ****, take care of the lawn and a home.  The hardest thing I am learning is the loneliness.  He was my everything. My best friend, my security, lover, the person I couldn't wait to see to tell all my happenings with.  I don't want to reinvent myself either.  I don't want to take on others issues.  I want someone to travel with, to live share life with, my person.   I am open to whatever the future brings.  It would have to be someone really special to put up with all my quirks!!!   I get you, finding joy in things is not easy and its very lonely.  My only answer for you is that you just do it......one minute, one second, one hour, one day at time.  Allow yourself to be ok.  I come here often, sometimes I just read other times I respond to whatever moves me.  There is a peace and a sense of belonging here.

[JCDV]

It's tough. We had no children and I feel completely alone. I see all these little families in my neighborhood and I'm devastated. I may go the dog route. However, you cannot have a two-way conversation with your pet.

 I am grateful for this forum. No one understands grief unless they've gone  through it. I've gotten to the point where I can't have a conversation with my friends because I feel like I have to hold back. Thank goodness for this forum!

[Sbncismyfav]

I am also alone. My husband died 3 weeks ago, unexpectedly. We were together for 28 yrs. It was not necessarily a “good “ marriage but quite toxic. I know it sounds crazy but now  I don’t know that I can live a “normal” life without the toxicity!  The chronic stress and constant chaos were “my normal” for almost my entire adult life!  And if/when I ever decide to have another relationship I won’t know how to act if it is not the same way. 

 

[KayC]

Make your life what you want it to be.  Get counseling if need be.  Do something nice for yourself every day.  I was divorced after 23 years with a controling cold man...I had no problem adjusting to a new life. I met George and married him, the love of my life, he died 6 1/2 years after I met him, the only man who ever loved me...it was reciprical.

I am sorry for your loss, it's a huge adjustment regardless of how the marriage was.  My heart goes out to you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Bou]

On 7/20/2024 at 8:31 PM, Sbncismyfav said:

I am also alone. My husband died 3 weeks ago, unexpectedly. We were together for 28 yrs. It was not necessarily a “good “ marriage but quite toxic. I know it sounds crazy but now  I don’t know that I can live a “normal” life without the toxicity!  The chronic stress and constant chaos were “my normal” for almost my entire adult life!  And if/when I ever decide to have another relationship I won’t know how to act if it is not the same way. 

 

Sorry for your loss.

I challenge you to try!  Change has to start somewhere why not let it begin with you.  Be the version of yourself you want to be, claim the calm.  I am guessing you probably feel as I do and did.  Who am I now?   I was a part of someone else for so long I lost sight of myself.  Slowly little by little I am getting some of it back or claiming the new not so new me.  Its not easy it is hard.  Again sorry for your loss.  Hope you find peace and help in this treasure trove of a forum.  It helps.

[Pam C]

I'm in the same situation, also losing my spouse in January 2024. No kids and my dog is my support system.  KayC - the list you posted is incredibly helpful. I am isolating but I'm working on getting out a bit.  I'm also trying to figure out my own identity (and how to work power tools). Today is my first day here and I have already been helped. Teekly, big hug from me to you and everyone else who relates. 

[KayC]

Consider it yours as well, and welcome!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.