Lost both parents within 5 months, my fault

[Jess0233]

Hello,

I lost my mom last spring and my father 5 months later. And it was my fault.

We were very close with my mother. I was somewhat her caretaker for almost 10 years. She was physically relatively healthy, but with severe depression, anxiety and alcohol problems. I visited 2-3 times a week to help her with groceries, cleaning and to talk. I lived those years in constant fear what bad news the next phone call might bring. One day she called asking to come right away for some help. Carrying some heavy stuff from the attic, nothing serious that couldn’t wait a few days.  I decided to live my life a little too and politely declined with a promise to come two days later. There were no two days later. She decided to do it herself, fell from the stairs and died on the spot. I felt so much guilt it can’t even be described. Such a good person dying such a stupid way because of me going out on a Friday night. And also a tiny bit of relief that I don't have to go there suffer looking at my drunk mother. Followed by even more guilt for feeling relieved.

After a few months struggling with even getting up from bed another phone call from my father.

He was sick. Diagnosed with cancer. We weren’t as close as with mom, but still... He had noone else to take care of him, but I had no energy left in me for daily treatment. I mean I could drive him around for appointments, shop for groceries and such, but there was no way I was able to provide the support he needed. So I basically persuaded him to agree with a nursing facility. He died there two weeks later. And I gathered the energy to go see him only once.

I am a terrible person. Basically I blame myself for both deaths and see no way out. I don’t feel anything right now but an empty void. I don’t want to live anymore. What’s the point? The emptiness is growing and growing until it eventually escalates into a panic attack. I haven’t slept without a sleeping pill or drinking myself unconscious for at least two months.

I mean I’m not jumping under a train (yet), deep down I know both of them would want me to keep on living, but it certainly can’t be like this. Was anyone else in a similar situation? How’d you get out? It seems to be getting worse over time, so the saying "time heals everything" does not work on me.

[KayC]

You did your best, you are not a terrible person!  Start by frgivinng yourself of what you view as shortcomings.  And there's nothing to say he wouldn't have died two weeks later in YOUR care too, it may have just been his time.  You would still be beating yourself up!  Go easy on yourself.  What would they tell you?  Tell yourself that.  And PLEASE see a counselor!

[Jess0233]

Thank you so much.

I can see the reasoning behind my father's death being inevitable at least from the point where I found out about his condition. I could (and should) have visited him more often though. But I just can't accept the fact that if I did not go out that evening mom would still be alive and well. It's just too much.

 

I do see a therapist once a month, but I don't feel better at all after the session. Wondering if it is just a waste of time. I did manage to find another and want to give it a try, but the appointment isn't until September...

[KayC]

8 minutes ago, Jess0233 said:

I did manage to find another and want to give it a try, but the appointment isn't until September...

I can't believe this newest trend of once a month!  Whatever happened to weekly?  Esp. in the beginning!

[Ronni_W]

Hi Jess,

I can totally see how you feel responsible for your mom's death. But I can also see how she was responsible to know her own physical limits, and to live within them, and to have patience for the things that were nothing serious that couldn’t wait a few days. So, in that sense, no, you're not responsible for the decision that she made and took upon herself.

Very many care-givers feel a lot of relief after their loved one whose burden-of-care fell onto them passes on -- very many more care-givers than have the courage and the self-honesty to be able to admit it (to themselves and to others). They are not terrible people just for feeling the relief from the burden. You also are not a terrible person just for that.

"Time heals everything" is a stupid saying said by stupid people. Well, maybe they're not "stupid" people, but they sure don't have a lot of genuine wisdom, nor any personal experience of what the rest of us are going through. For sure they're trying to be helpful, supportive and compassionate; but they really just don't know how. And this includes grief "experts" and grief counselors. They simply do not have your personal, individual and unique experience, feelings or perspective. (They are the ones who need our understanding and compassion, not the other way 'round! Unfortunate for us.)

Similarly about your dad. You were wise enough to know your own mental, physical and psychological limits at that time, and loving and caring and compassionate enough to provide your dad with the best solution that he needed, which was a nursing facility. Whatever happened after that is not on you.

But, at the same time, I can totally see how it feels that you are/were supposed to be in control of the if, and the when, and the how, of both your mom's and your dad's passing.  It's really truly tough and difficult and challenging. We do eventually get out of it, but not by listening to people who call themselves "experts". If it comes to you to go and try an art class (those "paint nights" that are quite popular these days, or ceramics or whatever), or learn to play golf, tennis or pickle-ball, or figure-out Sudoku, or sign-up for some improv classes, or volunteer at an animal sanctuary or an organization that does 'English as a second language' for recent immigrants -- that is to say, whatever positive that comes to you that will offer you some (albeit temporary) comfort, enjoyment, pleasantness, just try that. Don't bother about what other people are telling you about how to move forward -- they don't know, cos they haven't walked even one step in your life up until this point.

Wishing you all the very best...lots of strength and courage and resilience and all those good things that people say are good things. (They are, but it might not feel like you've got too much of any of that, right now. And that's okay, too. Still doesn't make you a terrible person. Cos, deep-down you're not. You're a loving and caring and compassionate person...without which, you could not be feeling sad, guilty and regretful right now. {Which is also how we can tell that you're loving, caring and compassionate. Right? Right!} <smiles and hugs>.)      Ronni

[Jess0233]

Thank you very much Ronni for your kind words.

Deep down I know I'm not "responsible", but still if I had put her first (like I always did), she would not be dead. It is a feeling that can't be described by words. An awful one. I'm sorry, I'm repeating myself. But this is the only thing I can think about. Both parents dead and I'm left here alone, trying to find a reason to live.

I have tried to go back to my hobbies I enjoyed before, but it just does not feel like a hobby anymore.
Rock climbing is out of the question in this state of mind. So is downhill biking.
You could say I was a passionate cyclist even without a big hill to go down from. Always waiting for good weather, always planning a trip, inviting other people to join me, etc. Now it just does not feel right at all. I don't even want to look at the bike, so it sits under a tarp in the garage.
Finding enjoyment in something new seems...ambitious.

Is grief counseling worth a shot? Is it any different from therapy with a psychologist?

Plan for this weekend is to dig up the bike and try a short ride. Not much, but better than staring at the wall I guess.

I'll try posting if anything worth mentioning happens. Maybe it could help someone in the future going through difficult times. Knowing there is someone who understands at least some of these feelings helps, so thank you again both.   Jess

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Jess0233 said:

Is grief counseling worth a shot?

I'd suggest giving it a try, I usually give them three sessions and if no good then, try another.  I'm an avid believer in counselors but do make sure GRIEF COUNSELOR IS WHAT THEIR PLACQUARD SAYS.  First one I went to when my husband died should have stuck to drug and alcohol counseling, something he knew something about.  I was fortunate in that the website I went to had an admin/owner that had a degree in Thanatology and was hands on with our forum, wrote a ton of articles, and had a lifetime grief counseling.  I am fortunate to call her my friend today (19 years later).

16 hours ago, Jess0233 said:

Knowing there is someone who understands at least some of these feelings helps

And that's what this forum is all about, we understand and care.  My heart goes out to you in your loss.

[Ronni_W]

Hi Jess,

I feel the same way, about my now-deceased husband -- not responsible, but, at the same time, responsible for his untimely/early death. For me also, as for you, I don't have the words to describe or explain my feelings to anyone else...not my nearest and dearest, and not any professional, and not anyone here on this board.

Even though I've come to think better of it, I still today (4/5 years later) hear myself telling myself that I "should have done more", "should have known better", "could have done or said something that would have made him not die". But, that's not true what we're telling our self about that, Jess. But I know that we keep telling our self that we have power over life and death. We keep telling our self that, and so we sort of keep our own self stuck. At least, this is how it is for me.

For me, the value of grief counseling is to be able to just "talk my heart out" with somebody...anybody. For me, it isn't any different than psychological or psycho-spiritual therapy or counseling. But, for me, I had to learn that the value, for me the client, is not in what they are going to be telling me, but rather ONLY in that I am going to be able to just talk my heart out -- if that makes sense?     So, yes, I would say that it is definitely worth a shot...but only if you keep your expectations realistic.  "Experts" want us to believe that they have some extraordinary wisdom that can help us, or that they've found some "answers" to our very personal questions, but...no, they don't have any of that.

Personal loss and grief is such an incredibly individual -- and, thus, lonely -- "journey" (is a term everyone loves to use, but means nothing to those of us who are on the "journey" <lol>).

Especially at the beginning (but still also today, 4/5 years later) finding reasons to live... to be honest, some days you just gotta be stubborn about it. Unreasonably and unrealistically stubborn, and just say, most stubbornly and in defiance of every other fibre of your Being, "I am NOT not going to kill myself today!!!" And then you say that to yourself again tomorrow, and the day after that. And then, somehow, it is 4 or 5 years later. Like that. That's how we get through it. At least, how I have. Just total, mule-ox stubbornness. <lol>. But, not really at all kidding about this.

Now. To change topics a bit. Your hobbies *totally rock*!!! Pro'ly you're way younger than me (I'm 64), but/so, hell's bells, I wish I could have some opportunity to go off-road biking and rock climbing. I guess you're looking forward to the Paris Olympics...I use that to "do" all of those sports vicariously. (But honestly, I'd watch basket-weaving if it was an Olympic sport...I just love everything Olympics (especially Summer, but also Winter). Given your sports interests, I'm guessing you're also a triathlon fan?

"Enjoyment of life"? -- Yeah...like you I still can't relate too much to that. (Hopefully it will come with time, for the both of us.) Then some "wise" person or counselor will talk to me about "the quality of my life, going forward" -- then I just zone out; space out on them, and try to remember that their value to me is that I can just talk my heart out. Then I get all stubborn and, "NOT TODAY!!!" Maybe tomorrow but NOT TODAY!!! Right?

Jess, all of the people here do understand what you're going through...this feeling, or that feeling, or that other feeling...someone, somewhere has already successfully navigated it. And the other ones, like me, who have not yet, still are rooting for you.

Personally, I'd love to know how your bike ride went. If you can figure out how to upload a pic of your bike, even more better.

Love'n'hugs,     Ronni

 

[Jess0233]

On 6/15/2024 at 6:39 AM, Ronni_W said:

For me, the value of grief counseling is to be able to just "talk my heart out" with somebody...anybody. For me, it isn't any different than psychological or psycho-spiritual therapy or counseling. But, for me, I had to learn that the value, for me the client, is not in what they are going to be telling me, but rather ONLY in that I am going to be able to just talk my heart out -- if that makes sense?     So, yes, I would say that it is definitely worth a shot...but only if you keep your expectations realistic.  "Experts" want us to believe that they have some extraordinary wisdom that can help us, or that they've found some "answers" to our very personal questions, but...no, they don't have any of that.

 

This is exactly what I was expecting from therapy, that a trained professional will ease my pain and provide me with some answers.
I thought they somehow know what to do with a damaged soul to "un-damage" it. I thought they can fix me so I could live again.  So far it failed my expectations.

I do have a friend I can always talk to, who showed almost unlimited patience with me since the beginning.
I don't know how he does it, but he is always there, ready to listen to my problems, talk about my feelings and whatnot.
So I don't really "need" to pay an expensive therapist just to talk my heart out.

 

On 6/15/2024 at 6:39 AM, Ronni_W said:

Now. To change topics a bit. Your hobbies *totally rock*!!! Pro'ly you're way younger than me (I'm 64), but/so, hell's bells, I wish I could have some opportunity to go off-road biking and rock climbing. I guess you're looking forward to the Paris Olympics...I use that to "do" all of those sports vicariously. (But honestly, I'd watch basket-weaving if it was an Olympic sport...I just love everything Olympics (especially Summer, but also Winter). Given your sports interests, I'm guessing you're also a triathlon fan?

 

I am a little bit younger (30), but I feel like I've aged at least 10 years in the last one. If it keeps being like this I'll catch up with you pretty soon.

Old me would be all over the Olympics, but now I just kind of don't care. As far as triathlon goes,  just a fan. We tried once, but the running part was killing me (I was never the best runner.)

 

Yeah and about the bike ride, I found a reason not to go, so maybe this weekend, or the next one..

Jess

[Ronni_W]

Hi Jess,

Sorry that I'm so long in responding. (I don't know how to quote just excerpts of your post, so hopefully all of the next will still make sense.)

It's not that grief "experts", "counselors", and "professionals" do not have a sincere desire to help us, it's just that they cannot because each grief experience is too "inner, internal and personal" for anyone else to really have any inroad or insight into it. We are the sole authority and teacher of our own Soul. (For me personally this is no major comfort, but it does stop me from putting that pressure or expectation on anyone else, whether trained or untrained in the grief experience, and its needs, emotions, vulnerabilities, etc.)

The reason to pay a professional is to not put our friends and loved ones in a role or position for which they are not at all trained. Of course they will do their utmost best for us, but it does take it out of them, make no mistake.  When you said of your hope that the professionals can just "fix" you, it reminded me of Coldplay's song, with lyrics, "Lights will guide you home...and I will try to fix you." That song became more meaningful for me, after I found out that my husband had died. I never was able to help him fix himself. (Others -- whether friends or experts -- cannot actually fix me; and I cannot actually fix anyone else, not even my most beloved.)

That is very sweet and kind of you, but also LOL @ you for saying that you'll be catching up to a 64-year-old anytime soon! <LOL>. But totally for sure that's how it can feel, and how I also felt; and I swear I even immediately saw an additional 10 years on my face when I looked in the mirror. Good news is that currently I'm back down to about only 6 or so years; and hoping/expecting that to go down even further.

I also get about not really caring about current-day sporting events. I know that I had Tokyo Olympics running on my TV, but no idea of actually intelligently watching any of it. (Whereas, I do have images in my head from 1976, 1988, 2000, and so on.) So...that's fine. It's fine to not care about it this time around. And plus, (secret between just you and me), sometimes I can find a reason to not go take a shower...so I totally get about not taking that bike ride. But, eventually I do go shower <ha-ha>, so whenever you do go on that bike ride, that'll be the perfect time for you. Grief sucks, Jess. No other way to say it. And when people tell you, "Oh, you AT LEAST gotta take a shower every day!" (Or get back on your bike, or whatever.) Yeah...no you don't. I mean, yes of course we do gotta try and keep trying, and, one of these fine days we will actually succeed at what we've been trying to succeed. But on our own schedule.

Sending all love and hugs to you, Jess; back about 3 or 4 years ago, a very sweet young man who works for one of my utility providers told me, when we had to delete my husband from the account and I was crying and taking a long time to even speak; he said to me, "Remember that there are better days ahead, and take care of yourself always."   At the time I thought that he was just a sweet, naive, silly-minded young man, but I still nevertheless appreciated his compassion, patience and understanding. And/but, I'm saying that to you now, Jess, especially the part to take care of yourself, always.      Love and hugs, always.   Ronni

[JCDV]

Hi Jess,

I understand where you are coming from. My husband was an untreated alcoholic who fell down the stairs, hit his head and died at home. I was away in Vancouver at the time. I feel tremendous guilt for being away, distancing myself from his issues and not pushing him enough to get treatment. Everyday is a struggle. I cannot concentrate, work , do any hobbies or even eat.

I am seeing a counsellor but honestly, most days, I feel like dying. I'm considering checking into a mental health facility because I have no idea how to get through this. This forum helps A LOT. 
 

I wish you the best.

[KayC]

Coping with “Moment-of-Death Guilt”