6 years

[Brazil Man]

It's been 6 years since I lost my beloved wife. Sometimes it feels like yesterday; other times it feels like a long time.
The grieving fellings decreased but my love for her it still the same.I still cry because I need to cry for her. So I listen to love songs and cry. I'd like to hear from  you guys about the grieve feelings in different stages.

 

[KayC]

Six years, nearly 19 for me...it hasn't changed that much since then but the first five years were the hardest, I learned to carry my grief inside of me, I don't cry very often, I think I cried my tears out those early years, now I use artificial tears to replenish the moisture my eyes lost.  I used to listen to music, I don't anymore, I no longer look at pictures, there's some on the walls, but my memories are in my heart where I carry them.  He will never be fully gone to me.  My love... 

[widower2]

6 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

It's been 6 years since I lost my beloved wife. Sometimes it feels like yesterday; other times it feels like a long time.

Yeah it's weird that way. I think I've felt "stuck in time" if that makes any sense. I know it's been a long time, but somehow my mind tells me it hasn't, I guess as a way of feeling like I'm still closer to her somehow. It's like my life just hit the pause button. Time just sort of froze for me in a surreal kind of way. Not sure if that's good or bad tbh. 

Coping wise the diff between now and then is night and day. Early on I cried daily, and I'm not a crier (I don't mean that in a "macho" way, it's just not me). But eventually I don't know if it was coping or just feeling like I ran out of tears, but it's rare for me now. The searing agony has been replaced by more of a dull ache. The dull ache isn't exactly a barrel of laughs, but it beats the hell out of searing agony. 

[LMR]

13 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

It's been 6 years since I lost my beloved wife. Sometimes it feels like yesterday; other times it feels like a long time.
The grieving fellings decreased but my love for her it still the same.I still cry because I need to cry for her. So I listen to love songs and cry. I'd like to hear from  you guys about the grieve feelings in different stages.

 

Hi Brazil man

I was just wondering yesterday how you are doing. I thought you must be doing good not to be here so much.

The feeling of it being like yesterday and other times a long time ago is exactly how I feel. Sometimes both at the same time. My grieving feelings have got worse the last year but I am only in my 4th year, maybe you experienced a surge before you started to feel a little better. Not sure that I've gone through acceptance yet.

The thought of doing this for many more years is terrifying. I just want to lay down and sleep and not wake up. I know you are so much younger than me, how have you found purpose in your life?

 

[tlc]

Like you Brazil Man, I'm in my 6th year. I don't cry so much anymore. Like Kay, I cried so much in the first year in grief and now I too have dry eye problems. The pain is still there though. Heart wrenching pain. So, my meditation and peace are found in my garden with nature and until I cannot do that anymore, that's where I can be found. We all have to deal with this in our own unique way until our time is up. And then.....? Hopefully, together again naturally!

 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

Yeah it's weird that way. I think I've felt "stuck in time" if that makes any sense. I know it's been a long time, but somehow my mind tells me it hasn't, I guess as a way of feeling like I'm still closer to her somehow. It's like my life just hit the pause button. Time just sort of froze for me in a surreal kind of way. Not sure if that's good or bad tbh. 

Coping wise the diff between now and then is night and day. Early on I cried daily, and I'm not a crier (I don't mean that in a "macho" way, it's just not me). But eventually I don't know if it was coping or just feeling like I ran out of tears, but it's rare for me now. The searing agony has been replaced by more of a dull ache. The dull ache isn't exactly a barrel of laughs, but it beats the hell out of searing agony. 

This could have been written by me (except the macho part! 😄).

1 hour ago, LMR said:

I thought you must be doing good not to be here so much.

Not always, sometimes when people are flailing, they don't post.

[DWS]

16 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

The grieving fellings decreased but my love for her it still the same.

That says so much. The loss of our spouses and partners seemingly locks us into a love continuum. When they were here...and if we're honest...that love could waver a bit. They weren't absolute angels so at the times when they'd piss us off, the love wave might dip a little but now, that love wave stays at a 100% constant. They just can do no wrong in our eyes. Is it no wonder that their absence continually hurts?! (I'm glancing back and forth at Tom's photo while I type this and it just seems like his smile is even greater than before.)

3 hours ago, LMR said:

I was just wondering yesterday how you are doing. I thought you must be doing good not to be here so much.

This can be one of those things that can haunt me with this forum...the wonder of those who were here when I first arrived particularly those whose timelines of loss coincided with mine. They were the ones that my heart connected with first because they were right at the point where I was. How are they doing now? Did they find a way to carry their grief...a lighter way? Are they "better"?? My assumption is that they simply didn't need this forum anymore but I keep them in my thoughts. There was an interesting bond there. 

[Brazil Man]

5 hours ago, LMR said:

I know you are so much younger than me, how have you found purpose in your life?

Hi @LMR. I am 58 and I still have may parents and live with them. I have amost no purposes But we pray  every day and believe in God. I got a turkey as my pet.
Hope you are feeling good.

[KayC]

A turkey!  Wow, first I've heard of them as an actual pet although many have them.  

[HisMunchkin]

1 hour ago, Brazil Man said:

I got a turkey as my pet.

Really??  What's his/her name?  Where does he/she sleep?  😍🦃

[Roxeanne]

It's 6 years too for me Brazil Man! I miss him all the time think i will forever....as i said before my life with him seems a dream once i dreamed...! That "dull ache" is in my heart and i feel lonely deep inside....and it can't be different 'cos we lost our special person, the one who made our life intensely worth living!

And i am grateful that i had him in my life...my sorrow for him learn me to have another look to life, that it's not granted at all...it's good that my pain was and is not useless, it brings me an awareness on life and death that i didn't have before!

And for me it's amazing that from my desperation and awful pain something positive arise...

 

 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Roxeanne said:

And i am grateful that i had him in my life

Me too.  I've never regretted a second of it!  The other day a gay couple that lives here had been having problems...I shared with them a big fight George and I had had, it had us all smiling!  I told them we ALL do sometimes but I wouldn't have traded a moment with him.

[Brazil Man]

8 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Really??  What's his/her name?  Where does he/she sleep? 

Hi @HisMunchkin. His name is Joe Baldaratti. He sleeps in a pen, but has a large backyard to walk.Some turkeys are mean, but thisd one of mine is meek and funny. He eats in my hand, 
 

[KayC]

I love that!  I had turkeys when I was young, along with chickens and pigeons, the pigeons I was super close to and fond of.  I'd look into their pen when I washed dishes, it was very destrssing and relaxing.  Each one had a name, we had quite a few.  I loved watching them clean each other and how the one being groomed would close their eyes...

 

[foreverhis]

As I rapidly approach 6 years, I can say much has changed in the way I live day to day.  I've managed to find a kind of happiness, smaller and different, but I feel it more often.  The weight of my grief no longer crushes me all day, every day.  I don't talk to John out loud as much, though there are times I still call out for help.  I'm able to listen to and/or watch more of the musicals/musical pieces that were unthinkable for the first few years.  Even so, there are some I figure I will never be able to tolerate again.  There are days I'm still unable to face much, but  also days that I embrace things that are good.  And, of course, I now have my Cosi girl, who keeps me on my toes every day!  She and Raleigh, my doggy friend for whom I am Dogmother, are both very sensitive and also silly, forcing me out of falling into the black hole again even when I'd rather they didn't.  They live in the present, the now, and know only that I love them and they love me.  Even with COVID having affected so much, I've moved forward in ways I never expected.

What hasn't changed is how much I miss John.  What hasn't changed is how something will suddenly take me back or start tears flowing.  Just today I was watching a Great Performances that was the 80th Anniversary celebration of Rodgers and Hammerstein.  John and I were in productions, some together and some separately, of many of those musicals.  One of the numbers performed was "Something Wonderful" from The King and I.  It's sung by the king's first wife.  Part of the lyrics are about how he has a thousand dreams and most of them won't come true, but the fact that he believes in them is enough for her.  Well, here I go with the tears because it brought to mind the multiple projects John was working on when he was diagnosed.  He tried to finish what he could, but the chemo and his cancer, combined with the physical challenges from his near-fatal bicycling accident years earlier, meant he couldn't.  One was a spectacular new potting bench for me that he had designed over a couple of years and was just starting to build.  Suddenly all I could "see" was how sad he was not to be able to give me such a gift, the many parts that still sit silently in the garage, and how I had kind of "nagged" him a few months before his diagnosis to make it a priority.  Another from the same show was "Hello, Young Lovers," which I haven't heard in years.  If you don't know the plot, Anna (the female lead) is a widow and this song is about her memories with her husband when they were young.  I always thought it was a "sweet" song, but now I know it is also true.  So here come the drenching tears.  And yet, I'm not sorry I watched because I don't mind when the tears come.  They mean that I am still bound to John by the love we share.  (Sorry, that's pretty darn maudlin, but that's where my brain and heart were today.)

If someone had asked me to envision my future right after John died, it would have been a bleak, black, hopeless place.  I wanted no part of any world without John in it.  Today, I wish John was here with me, but I can live with the fact that he is not.

[KayC]

You put into words the journey that is ours, details may change but it is beautiful.  It is a learning, this journey of ours!  We have learned to live within these changes, what we never would have thought possible in the beginning of this, yet all of us would choose to have them back if we could...healthy and happy.  Such is our huanity.  Alas, we have learned to live without them here, yet very much alive to us in our memories.

[HisMunchkin]

On 6/1/2024 at 7:24 PM, Brazil Man said:

Hi @HisMunchkin. His name is Joe Baldaratti. He sleeps in a pen, but has a large backyard to walk.Some turkeys are mean, but thisd one of mine is meek and funny. He eats in my hand, 
 

Awww...  Joe sounds lovely.  I like the sound they make.  They sound like they're laughing.  You should tell them some jokes and they will laugh.  Soon as you know, you feel like an awesome comedian! 😁

[Brazil Man]

13 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

They sound like they're laughing

Yes, turkeys have a sound like   gloo-gloo-gloo.. . They are very funny birds.Every time I provoke him, he replies.

[Perro J]

Tomorrow will mark four years for me. I spent some time in therapy in 2023. I asked for grief therapy, but the therapist thought a more holistic approach would be better. I don't cry much anymore over her. I still think of her every single day. Once in a while, I panic, wondering "Did I forget to think about her today?" but I don't think I ever have.

2024 brought the death of my best friend from childhood. I also lost another parakeet - one I had bought as a companion to the survivor from the parakeet I lost a few years ago.

The sale of the product line at the company I worked for brought a new company, title, and location for my job. The money is better but the commute is about an hour each way. The job is more stressful too.

I've been on dates in the last year. A couple moments of physical intimacy - but the truth is that I am getting too old for that. In hindsight, these were more transactional dates than meaningful relationships. I am not proud of them but I don't regret them either. There is a very real concession in my mind that things will never be as good as they were before.  One of the things from therapy that I didn't like to process, but I now admit it helped, was the permission to allow chance into my views of things. In other words - it wasn't the will of God nor the negligence of God that she had cancer. It was merely chance. That quickly gets into philosophical discussions about freewill and determinism, or the idea the God has a plan for everything. Yet I think it always has aligned with my beliefs about God - that the human experience is not purely being a domino in a nearly eternal chain of cause and effect.

The dull ache rather than searing agony - yes, it is my experience too. I'm curious about the dry eyes. I have started with that symptom too - thinking it was dehydration due to blood sugar issues and me not taking very good care of myself. Maybe I did simply cry it all out and there's not any left in the tank.

Tomorrow will be work, then a quiet night alone where it will be time to reflect and meditate and talk to her. I really wish life had gone differently. I wish it had been us, going through the good and the bad together.

I still slug it out because I want to be there for my Mom. I won't know what to do after I lose her. As long as I can be there for her, I have a purpose here.

A turkey is a cool pet. They're not the smartest but I like 'em anyway.

It's nice to see familiar names here. My continued wishes for peace and solace to all of us.

[LMR]

It's good to hear from you again Perro J. 

We have been on the same timelune. I am just a month from the 4th anniversary of my husband's death. It is still a roller coaster for me, I still have days of searing agony but I have just started grief therapy and I am feeling positive about it. 

I'm glad to hear that you have some positive change in your life.

 

[Brazil Man]

On 6/1/2024 at 6:21 AM, LMR said:

I was just wondering yesterday how you are doing.

Hi @LMR Thnk you fir remembering me. I think I came to aceptence but  wiill never accept it. I think its a paradox 

[Brazil Man]

On 7/14/2024 at 4:09 PM, Perro J said:

It's nice to see familiar names here. My continued wishes for peace and solace to all of us.

me too

[Bou]

On 5/31/2024 at 6:49 PM, KayC said:

Six years, nearly 19 for me...it hasn't changed that much since then but the first five years were the hardest, I learned to carry my grief inside of me, I don't cry very often, I think I cried my tears out those early years, now I use artificial tears to replenish the moisture my eyes lost.  I used to listen to music, I don't anymore, I no longer look at pictures, there's some on the walls, but my memories are in my heart where I carry them.  He will never be fully gone to me.  My love... 

It makes me sad you don't listen to music anymore.  Music is beautiful.  I hope this changes for you.   I am not churchy or over religious or anything of the such but I do like Christian music.   Newer Christian music, no twangy stuff.  Bluck.  I like pop, country- again no twangy old stuff, a little eminem......ha ha ha.