Death of an ex partner

[Chris Velasco]

Hi, my name is Chris, I'm 37 years old and I live in Rio de Janeiro.

I was born in Chile in 1986 and decided, when I was 21, to come live with my dad in Brazil. 

That same year, 2008, I met Josie who would be my partner for 11 years.

Back in 2018 she got her Working Holiday VISA to go to New Zealand chaseing her dreams. She found work and studied and I was going to join her but, due to some personal circumstances, I was unable to go and we ended up breaking up.

Then she went to Ireland to continue chasing her dreams but, on November 6th 2023 she was killed by a truck in Dublin while riding her bicycle to work.

We hadn't talked for a while since I am in a relationship but, since I was the only one that spoke english, her family contacted me to try and find out what happened. A friend of hers was called to the hospital and she told her family that she was there but didn't had any news about Josie's health. 

Long story short, I was the one who found out she had died and had to tell her family and found myself at the forefront of all the bureacracy to bring her body back to Brazil.

After 6 months of ups and downs, I finally realized this week that she is no longer here. Don't get me wrong, I knew that we were not capable of being in a realtionship anymore, even if she somehow got back here. I just never stoped loving her, and all the things we lived together, as best friends more than anything else. I am struggling with the fact that she was taken from us at such a young age in such a violent way. She didn't deserved that. I loved her and I still love her. In a different non romantic kind of way, but that love never went away.

I am fighting with my emotions, not being able to talk to anyone about how i'm feeling, not feeling the support of my current parter and don't knowing what to do. It's becoming unbearable not being able to process what I am feeling.

I suppose I am looking for somene else who is going through this or went through it to get some answers or something.

It's just so hard to feel that I'm not allowed to grieve for one of the most important persons of my life.

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and all you are going through.  It might help to talk to a counselor that specializes in grief.  My heart certainly goes out to you.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief and Grievers Are Unrecognized - SocialWorker.com

Disenfranchised Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

[widower2]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I disagree that you're "not allowed to grieve"....you most certainly are and I hope allow yourself that. You might have to try and do it privately vs around your current partner...do you know if she is OK with your grieving or not? 

I hope this site can help. It's a great group of people. 

[DWS]

20 hours ago, Chris Velasco said:

It's just so hard to feel that I'm not allowed to grieve for one of the most important persons of my life.

I am truly sorry for your loss and the challenging situation you're in needing to grieve. Eleven years is a very long time to have been with someone and it sounds like your breakup was more of a physical distance/re-location thing than anything. That was such a crushing circumstance to be in and no doubt, one of your most difficult decisions to make. Hopefully, your current partner can come to some point of realization and awareness of the importance of your past with your ex into who you are now. I can certainly see that being tough on her...I suppose, disruptive to your present lives together...but you're recognizing your need to process the loss of someone you still care for. It sounds like you've had a busy six months doing what was needed to help your ex's family. That busy-ness likely kept you from processing not to mention everything else that was happening in your current day-to-day life. Coming to grips with this loss and dealing with your grief is likely something that is vital to your current relationship. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, widower2 said:

I disagree that you're "not allowed to grieve"....you most certainly are and I hope allow yourself that.

Me too.  To anyone who would tell you that...
Maybe if you got some counseling they could help you sort out all these do-gooders that aren't!

[Chris Velasco]

On 5/31/2024 at 11:58 PM, widower2 said:

I'm very sorry for your loss. I disagree that you're "not allowed to grieve"....you most certainly are and I hope allow yourself that. You might have to try and do it privately vs around your current partner...do you know if she is OK with your grieving or not? 

I hope this site can help. It's a great group of people. 

Thank you for your kind words. It has certainly been a challenge for both me and my current partner. Apart from the first weeks/months, when my grieving was kept silenced inside of me and it was rarely a topic we discussed, we were able to express ourselves eventually and now its something we talk about freely.

I am starting to allow myself to grieve. The worst part however is to face the pain and sadness and all the memories and to try to transform it into something positive, which is what I am looking to do now.