The shock of forever

[LMR]

I'm into my 4th year and I've just been plodding along. One day at a time, going through the motions whilst screaming inside.

Yesterday I caught the morning news and there was a lady about to go for a D Day Memorial celebration. She was 99 years old. It suddenly hit me that I could potentially be looking at another 20 years of this, existing without him. I don't want it. I'm back in the depths of despair.

Thought of you Kay. I don't know how you've kept going.

[KayC]

I get it.  Right now just trying to stay alive!  BP the biggest concern, but it started at 220/96 and this morning was 147/78, pulse 66, will keep plugging away on it.

I do not want to live into my 90s, but I guess we don't get a choice in the matter.  I was 52 when I lost George, turning 72 this year,  June 19th it will be 19 years, which was Father's Day that year.

[P777]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I get it.  Right now just trying to stay alive!  BP the biggest concern, but it started at 220/96 and this morning was 147/78, pulse 66, will keep plugging away on it.

I do not want to live into my 90s, but I guess we don't get a choice in the matter.  I was 52 when I lost George, turning 72 this year,  June 19th it will be 19 years, which was Father's Day that year.

You have been without your George, for the same amount of time, as I was with my Wife - 19 years in couple months. You are a hero Kay, if I may say so. This is just so amazing, but like you said too, that nobody knows when there time is up. You could live until your 100, so could we all. I am 50, so many more years to go... I want to live as long as possible, for my Son, so it's a very good and very bad thing at the same time. I can't bear being without my Wife, but equally I can't bear the thought of me going too soon, and my Son has no Mammy or Daddy. 

[KayC]

It's been a while!  I've noticed the times I miss my husband the most now are when I am going through something...like Covid (although glad he didn't have to go through it!), the huge financial stressors of this year, being here for each other like when needing a ride to a colonoscopy, also in the evenings to cuddle and talk over our day.   Survival in the snowy mountains are rough too, esp. as I'm going to be 72 in four months.

[P777]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

It's been a while!  I've noticed the times I miss my husband the most now are when I am going through something...like Covid (although glad he didn't have to go through it!), the huge financial stressors of this year, being here for each other like when needing a ride to a colonoscopy, also in the evenings to cuddle and talk over our day.   Survival in the snowy mountains are rough too, esp. as I'm going to be 72 in four months.

The hard times, are the hardest by the sounds of it, even though good times are still hard. The snowy mountains!!!! At nearly 72! Most teenagers these days couldn't survive without their gadgets!! Just unbelievable. I live at sea level, or thereabouts... Here's a picture of a beach 10 minutes drive away from where I live...

[KayC]

Very lovely!  Do you get hit with hurricanes?  At least we aren't bothered by those and tornadoes although it's snow in the long winters and wildfires & smoke in the summer/early fall.  This is the good time of the year, now and mid-late fall, early summer.

[HisMunchkin]

I haven't even began to think about what the next 40+ years (if I live to be as old as my grandparents) will be like.  Too scary, too daunting a task.  Just focusing on getting through each day.  Plans are no more than a week or so ahead.  That's about all I can manage at this point in time. 

[KayC]

Yep unless a doctor's appt. but I try not to give it much thought until it gets closer.

[Bou]

On 5/30/2024 at 4:47 AM, LMR said:

I'm into my 4th year and I've just been plodding along. One day at a time, going through the motions whilst screaming inside.

Yesterday I caught the morning news and there was a lady about to go for a D Day Memorial celebration. She was 99 years old. It suddenly hit me that I could potentially be looking at another 20 years of this, existing without him. I don't want it. I'm back in the depths of despair.

Thought of you Kay. I don't know how you've kept going.

well you have done four years and you will  just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  When  you feel you can't come here and talk with us. We understand.  I break it down .....  focus on one minute, one hour, a few hours, a day, and I just keep plugging away.  None of know when it will be our last day but we owe it to ourselves to try to live our best lives with what we have and what we can.   Hang in there I feel you.  One thing I have learned is to be good to myself.  I count.  Think of me.  I tend to think of everyone else, caregiver, worrier, deep thinker.  Stop.....  what will make me happy in the then and now?   How can I have a good day?  What are my needs?  What are my wants?   No-one to look out for me anymore I better do it myself and do it well.   A cherry dip cone on a hot day is me being good to myself.  I love that DQ vanilla and cherry dip.  I get it in a cone and ask for a cup to put it in so I can go through the drive through.  I don't have anyone to hold it while I drive.  Let me tell you that thing is marvelous right down to the last bite of the cone.    Little things that make me feel good about me I need to do them.  I don't have anyone to do those things for me or with me.  I have to do them myself now.  I have to be good to me now.  Its me time.  Me. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

13 hours ago, Bou said:

Little things that make me feel good about me I need to do them.  I don't have anyone to do those things for me or with me.  I have to do them myself now.

I have to remind myself of those concepts almost daily.  I still find myself holding back on some things, thinking it’s disrespectful to Veronica if I try to enjoy something without her that we shared previously, like pancakes for breakfast.  Have not made pancakes in over a year because that was our once a month breakfast treat.  I think I have to move past that mental barrier.  

[LMR]

7 minutes ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I have to remind myself of those concepts almost daily.  I still find myself holding back on some things, thinking it’s disrespectful to Veronica if I try to enjoy something without her that we shared previously, like pancakes for breakfast.  Have not made pancakes in over a year because that was our once a month breakfast treat.  I think I have to move past that mental barrier.  

I can understand that. For a long time I couldn't eat the things in the cupboard. That was OUR food. What was left of our favorite chocolates sat there for months and months before I ate one. If I wanted chocolate I would go and buy a cheap one. I even had a limit on how much I could spend on my main meal. I think it was $2. Not much, but I didn't feel I deserved more. It has gradually worn off and now I only occasionally feel guilty eating something nice.

[DWS]

17 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I still find myself holding back on some things, thinking it’s disrespectful to Veronica if I try to enjoy something without her that we shared previously, like pancakes for breakfast.  Have not made pancakes in over a year because that was our once a month breakfast treat.  I think I have to move past that mental barrier.  

I think this sort of thing ends up being one of the biggest challenges in grief and loss. To the ones who know nothing of this journey, they'll say "just do it...what's the problem?"....totally unaware of the mental and emotional barriers in all of this. 

I pushed myself and got over one of those emotional hurdles a couple of weeks ago. Sounds like such a silly, minor little thing but I went online and ordered a pizza from a local joint that Tom and I discovered and enjoyed. Buying takeout pizza just wasn't anything that I did when I was single so this was an absolute treat having Tom in my life where we occasionally did such "frivolous" things. In that first year when he was gone, I felt anxiety just driving past the place and intentionally didn't look in its direction. The place meant everything to me. 

And then, I had made up in my mind that I was going to order one on a special occasion. I made attempts to do this two or three times and ended up in tears each time. I finally did order it three weeks ago. Went online to their website. The menu was the same...of course, prices went up. Biggest difference this time was I didn't have Tom looking over my shoulder suggesting we get garlic bread too. But I did it. The pizza was fine but not as good as I remembered it to be. For me, I think, it was more of a battle against something that was haunting me. 

[KayC]

When I went away for my sister's weekend, I made George his favorite casserole dish to eat on while I was gone...not knowing he would have a heart attack, drive himself to the doctor, get sent by ambulance to the hospital...and never make it home.  I came home to that uneaten casserole.  I wasn't hungry, of course, but my daughter and I ate a serving "in honor of George."

[HisMunchkin]

The shock of forever gone keeps "shocking" me every now an then. 

[WithoutHer]

58 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

The shock of forever gone keeps "shocking" me every now an then. 

Your not alone. I'm 16 months in and still hits me more often than now and then. No support system or socializing, yes I'm aware, I'm certain keeps my subconscious wrapped in such thoughts.

[KayC]

I don't think of our separation as forever, but until I die...I will find him and that first hug...it will be the most wonderful feeling in the world!  Iris may want someone else to spend her life with but I can't imagine it...only 20 years or so to go, that's half the time I thought when I first went through this!

[Boggled]

the whole idea of "forever" is off-limits for my brain, it hit me early, the night he died ... of course you "know" it, but to think about it, at the start was like a red-hot coal.   After two years ... I'm touching on it ... retreating ...  don't WANT! to think on it ... and ... lovely thoughts, KayC!   Sad and beautiful and hopeful all together.    I still have crying jags, makes me wonder, if I cry enough tears, will the sorrow stop?  doesn't seem to!   The passage of time has helped, but it takes more than time ... I think.  It's like at least it's POSSIBLE to touch on this idea of "forever" ... touch on it!  just!   it's GRIM.

[P777]

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

the whole idea of "forever" is off-limits for my brain, it hit me early, the night he died ... of course you "know" it, but to think about it, at the start was like a red-hot coal.   After two years ... I'm touching on it ... retreating ...  don't WANT! to think on it ... and ... lovely thoughts, KayC!   Sad and beautiful and hopeful all together.    I still have crying jags, makes me wonder, if I cry enough tears, will the sorrow stop?  doesn't seem to!   The passage of time has helped, but it takes more than time ... I think.  It's like at least it's POSSIBLE to touch on this idea of "forever" ... touch on it!  just!   it's GRIM.

Personally I think only until the time my body dies here on Earth, then I will see my Wife again.. I completely believe, whilst incredibly painful, that everything is connected and everything happens with a reason. I believe that this Earth existence is just a drop in the ocean of our true existence, we are here, to experience being a human being, with all of the emotions that go with it. Like I said the pain, is sometimes almost unbearable of losing my Wife here, but I know it was her time. Time moves very fast here, and also sometimes very slow. However, I believe both my Son and I will be with my Wife / his Mammy forever, when we both leave Earth....

[JonathanFive]

On 6/1/2024 at 11:55 AM, HisMunchkin said:

I haven't even began to think about what the next 40+ years (if I live to be as old as my grandparents) will be like.  Too scary, too daunting a task.  Just focusing on getting through each day.  Plans are no more than a week or so ahead.  That's about all I can manage at this point in time. 

I'm right there with you. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow hasn't happened.  Living for the today

[Bou]

On 6/22/2024 at 3:42 AM, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I have to remind myself of those concepts almost daily.  I still find myself holding back on some things, thinking it’s disrespectful to Veronica if I try to enjoy something without her that we shared previously, like pancakes for breakfast.  Have not made pancakes in over a year because that was our once a month breakfast treat.  I think I have to move past that mental barrier.  

I have to remind myself as well.  Its not easy.  Starbucks a bit pricey but I love it.  I treat myself on the weekends.  The rest of the week I make coffee at home but on the weekend I do that for myself.  I have a side job beyond my week job that I travel for and I stop in and scan my stars....... have no idea how to use all the stars I have been collecting but I scan my phone for them and get myself a treat.  That gives me a little bit of happiness.  Fills me with joy.  Why.....because it is something I like.  I had to really discover this one and be ok with it.  When our kids were growing up we couldn't afford that luxury.  I can do that for myself now.  Being kind to ourselves is something we can do to help with the grief pain.  It can give us a little joy for a little bit.  ****.... starbucks gives me joy for the whole week.  I look forward to that saturday morning me thing.  

What does everyone else do for themselves for self care?        And its ok if you are not there yet.  I was not there for many months after, you all know I lost my mind for a brief time.  Fog zone I was in.  It was Early Grey tea to take down the puffiness in my eyes and face.   Lived on that for months.  I still go to that when I need as well.  

I am hoping this topic thread will spark many of you to take that step to be kind to yourself and be ok with it.  

[Bou]

On 6/22/2024 at 3:54 AM, LMR said:

I can understand that. For a long time I couldn't eat the things in the cupboard. That was OUR food. What was left of our favorite chocolates sat there for months and months before I ate one. If I wanted chocolate I would go and buy a cheap one. I even had a limit on how much I could spend on my main meal. I think it was $2. Not much, but I didn't feel I deserved more. It has gradually worn off and now I only occasionally feel guilty eating something nice.

This made me laugh a bit.... I bet it worn off because I have no idea where you would get a meal for $2 🤣 Everything has gotten so expensive.

I can relate to this.  Cleaned the spice cupboards..... he was the cook.  What a mess.  I threw a bunch of spices out that were dated way back embarrassingly when.  It took me a long time to touch those cupboards.  Sacred his space.  I still have more to clean out, those little things are not easy.  

You eat all the nice things you want.  He would have wanted that for you!!!   I get this......I do the same thing.   I have to remind myself often he would be mad for me to not move forward and have good times, and make good memories, and do things I want to do.  He always wanted for me.   I had friends that would have to ask their husbands permissions.  I never had to do that.  He wanted for me as I wanted for him.  When he wanted something we tried our hardest to make it happen and vise versa.  Our loved ones wouldn't want us walloping in sorrow.  They would want us to grieve for a bit because I am sure they probably are as well wherever they may be.  They wouldn't want it to keep on lasting.  Even as hard as that is to grasp understanding of and we think we need and should and just want to keep carrying on in our grief.  I believe and its ok if everyone else doesn't, but I  believe they would want all good for us.  Because when they were here and in the here and now it was good.  We had good.  We wanted that together.  

It will be three years in December for me...... I am far from over this grief but I am trying to work it!    I wish this for everyone else here.  It was devastating and it still is but I am hopeful.  What else can I be?

[KayC]

31 minutes ago, Bou said:

What does everyone else do for themselves for self care?  

Walk my dog (including play date) 3 x day, eat Ketovore, research diabetes, go to church.  Oh and, for ME?  My coffee.  Don't buy out, too pricey, but I make my own blend with Kirkland, Hazelnut, and Rocket Java.  I also make my own creamer with HWC, extracts and a wee bit of monk fruit.
 

[LMR]

1 hour ago, Bou said:

This made me laugh a bit.... I bet it worn off because I have no idea where you would get a meal for $2 🤣 Everything has gotten so expensive.

 

I was shopping at the discount grocery stores. Not good food. Lots of hot dogs. I didn't care. I lost about 20 pounds. I could do with going on that diet again. 😂

 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

14 hours ago, Bou said:

What does everyone else do for themselves for self care?

Walk a couple of miles around the neighborhood several days a week.  Do some weight exercise for my legs, arms, and shoulders, mainly to maintain strength and bone density.  Work an a couple of hobbies and projects.  I have a ukulele kit that I have started putting together.  

[HisMunchkin]

On 6/24/2024 at 1:21 PM, Bou said:

What does everyone else do for themselves for self care?

Read, listen to audio books, watch streaming shows and movies, try to meditate, try to use my elliptical machine everyday.

[widower2]

On 6/22/2024 at 8:50 AM, DWS said:

I think this sort of thing ends up being one of the biggest challenges in grief and loss. To the ones who know nothing of this journey, they'll say "just do it...what's the problem?"....totally unaware of the mental and emotional barriers in all of this. 

I pushed myself and got over one of those emotional hurdles a couple of weeks ago. Sounds like such a silly, minor little thing but I went online and ordered a pizza from a local joint that Tom and I discovered and enjoyed. Buying takeout pizza just wasn't anything that I did when I was single so this was an absolute treat having Tom in my life where we occasionally did such "frivolous" things. In that first year when he was gone, I felt anxiety just driving past the place and intentionally didn't look in its direction. The place meant everything to me. 

And then, I had made up in my mind that I was going to order one on a special occasion. I made attempts to do this two or three times and ended up in tears each time. I finally did order it three weeks ago. Went online to their website. The menu was the same...of course, prices went up. Biggest difference this time was I didn't have Tom looking over my shoulder suggesting we get garlic bread too. But I did it. The pizza was fine but not as good as I remembered it to be. For me, I think, it was more of a battle against something that was haunting me. 

I get that......for us it was Chinese takeout...I didn't do it for some time after that except on Valentines Day as a sort of tip of the hat to her, but eventually did outside of that

[Roxeanne]

It was really hard do alone what we appreciate together...along the years however my feelings changed! Now i do alone all i did with him...even came back in Paris where everything talk to me of him and our happiness to be together....

Now i'm not broken in two by his absence as it happened before...

Now i feel he accompanies me with his smiles and his tender eyes!