New here. Heh.

[liathum]

Hey everyone,

I just really need to get this out, it's been sitting on my chest for almost two years now. And this is going to be an extremely long post because there's a lot going on. If anything about this is incorrect or anything, just let me know. I just need to know that someone saw this because I really just need affirmation.

Several years ago my elder sister was diagnosed with cancer and during that time I dropped everything to be with her and my mother through this time. We shielded my other (all older) siblings from the worst of it so they were able to continue their lives fairly unaffected. As for myself and my mother, though, we bore the brunt of it. After five years we received positive news that my sister was going to be okay as long as she had regular screenings to ensure it was all gone. I was able to start my life again. I was 23 years old. Up until that point, my life consisted of running her and my mother to the hospital for treatments, midnight runs to the grocery store for whatever they wanted, working a part time to job to assist financially with the burden as my mother had lost her job during all this, when we received word that everything was okay, I was able to get my life back on track. Rgretfully though, that just wasn't the case. Six months later the cancer came back. And my life was once again put on hold to ensure everyone was happy and as healthy as could be. Despite the weekly, and sometimes daily, emergency room visits, the chemo treatments, the experimental treatments, the seizure at my sister's wedding, the hospice, then no hospice, then hospice, every week for four years we thought we were going to lose her. Then July 26th, 2010, we did. I'd never seen my mother, such a strong, independent woman so broken. I'd never seen my older brother so torn apart. I'd never experienced anything except utter strength from all my older siblings and my mother. But then, at that moment, when we lost her and everyone was broken I made the decision to take care of them. And that's what I did. I didn't fall apart, I helped every one of them through their grieving process. I put my hurt and tears and everything on hold for them. But now, two years later, I find myself slowly starting to fall apart. To unravel. Now that everyone is healthy and moving on with their lives, I'm at a complete loss. I'm now twenty-seven years old and the only thing I've ever known and done was taking care of my sick sister and helping my mother run the house. I have some sporadic college, semesters when my sister was feeling well, but withdrew because her bad days starts to outweigh her good. I don't know how to get past this feeling, this lost feeling. All I want to do is just let myself cry but I can't do it. I. Don't. Know. How. How do you grieve?

I can still hear her voice. I can still remember, a few months before she passed away, her sobbing in my arms telling me she didn't want to die. She didn't want to leave us. But when it happened, when she was gone...I remember that day vividly. I remember everything about it. I play it through my head sometimes, trying to see if it helps but all I do is just feel sad. Now I have a job and a life that I've sort of built up but my heart just isn't in it. I feel numb and lost and confused and shallow. Empty. I walk through the days looking for a reason to smile but it just isn't there. She was *everything* to me. She raised me while my mother was working to feed us. She was my confidante. She was my *person.* She'd call me every night, without fail, just to talk or to make me laugh. But she's not there anymore and I don't think I know how to laugh. My partner helps but doesn't know what it's like. I feel like I'm carrying on and on and on about it, even though I haven't brought it up in forever. I can't seem to cry, to let go.

I've never grieved before. When my father left us, I was only four. When my grandfather passed, I was 8. When my aunt passed I was 12 and when my grandmother passed I was 14. I never grieved for them because it all seemed to abstract. Like I wasn't affected except through other people. I never felt a loss with them, not like I did, or do, with my sister. She's gone. I can't bring myself to delete her name off my yahoo messenger. I still have her phone number in my phone. How? I don't feel any different than I did a month after she first died. My siblings don't know how to talk to me about this. They don't even try. I made sure they were fine. And they are. But what can I do?

Thank you for listening. I just needed to let this out. I've done this a handful of times but never posted. I swear I'm going to post this one.

[ModKonnie]

Liathum,

Thank you for sharing. Your post was not too long, and it was a very heartfelt story. I could feel your pain and anguish.

I am so very sorry for your losses. It's so hard to accept somethings, isn't it. We always want to know "why?" and we may never find out.

You've taken a good step in finally grieving. Getting your story and your feelings out are helpful. Please continue to share with us.

We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[vanessa17]

I hope that in just writing that out, you feel a little better. I know that talking, writing, etc relieves some of my most overwhelming sadness. Feel free to share whenever and whatever is weighing on you. You are among a group of people who may not understand exactly your own personal feelings, but we understand loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You just have to be open to go wherever it takes you. Be gentle with yourself and if you ever feel like too much is weighing you down to handle on your own, reach out in anyway that you can. Your sister would want you to have a full life with personal joy and purpose. You are an amazing person to have taken such good care of her and the rest of your family. Now, I hope you can grant yourself permission to really care for yourself as well. We are here.

[tobyfreefoot]

HI.

I read this because my oldest son (28) died in an accident in july. i have 3 other children. i see my daughter grieve lots, my middle son drinks and cries in the night when no one is around and my youngest (19) tries to just go on and act like everything is fine. my oldest was absolutely his favorite family member and i know he is not alright at all. i don't know what to do for him. he of course won't listen to his mom right now but.. have you thought about a councilor or hypnotist? i also read somewhere about looking up at a bright sky and panting while thinking of your sadness to get the tears flowing. i don't know if it works but i did read about a father that did that and it helped him. a lot of the time i feel pretty numb too but i am guessing forcing it back all this time has really got it blocked deep inside. perhaps coming on these forums will let you start sharing your story and slowly get you back to the time you had to put your raw feelings on ice. people here have suffered grief also and will be glad to listen as long as you need them too. it is different here because no one will judge you, you do not have to be strong. you can be absolutely terrible and that is ok. it may take a lot of sharing to unlock the doors. it is painful and frightening but there is no other way to be able to enjoy life while all of that is pulling you down. good luck. i am usually on the loss of an adult child site. there is lots of activity on that forum. it might help to go on there also.