My Lover of 10 Years Has Died

[candyhearts]

My “lover” the love of my life, my soulmate - passed away in February 2024, it is now almost June 2024. He died by suicide it was unexpected. He wasn’t happy with his current relationship and stayed because of his children… We had an on & off affair for the last 10 years. We were not on good terms a month before he passed. We said such awful things to each other during one of our “fights.” We always forgave each other and came back to each other no matter what. I feel guilt for pushing him away, not being able to say goodbye and not truly knowing if he really loved me and cared for me like he said he did. I love him so much and I still do. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to accept that he’s gone. I cry and long for him every single night. I didn’t go to his funeral out of respect for his two young daughters who knew nothing about us… We were finally going to work things out between us to finally be at peace exclusively, and this tragedy happened… I’m feeling all the emotional and somatic symptoms of my grief. I’ve lost both of my parents, but this loss hurts too, it hurts just as much, if not more… I pray ever night and I’m starting therapy, I also wrote in a diary everyday. Nothing is helping and there hasn’t been any change in my acceptance of this new reality. I refuse to let go. I’m not ready to let go and I don’t think I ever will be able to. My heart hurts so bad.

[KayC]

Welcome here.  It helps to read and post and know others are listening and care.

Have you thought of, instead of letting go, incorporating him into your life...not as it was because his body has left, but in a new way?  
Continuing Bonds - WYG
Continuing beyond physical death
Continuing Relationships
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[DWS]

7 hours ago, candyhearts said:

Nothing is helping and there hasn’t been any change in my acceptance of this new reality. I refuse to let go. I’m not ready to let go and I don’t think I ever will be able to. My heart hurts so bad.

My heart goes out to you as I can feel your immense pain in what you wrote. Ten years is a very long time for two hearts to be connected despite it not being the most ideal arrangement throughout that time. I don't see any reason why you should let go. In grief, we start to understand that letting go of our person isn't the goal. The whole idea of it caused me too much pain so I simply said that I won't do it...so we carry it. We carry grief in the same way that we carry that love for them forever in our hearts. My partner is the one that I will always boast about if someone lets me. It's part of that bond that I hold onto. It's a big part of me now just like the ten year relationship that you had with your guy. Coping with their absence is the challenge. 

[candyhearts]

Hello KayC and DWS,

 

My name is “L”. Thank you so much. I found this website from Googling advice on how to cope. I’m so grateful that I came across this page because I don’t have a strong support system when it comes to my Lover. My family never liked him and his family always looked at me like I was the other woman, because technically I was... It was almost as if we were a forbidden romance, but we were so happy with each other… We just couldn’t get it right in this life… Anyways… I just want to let you both know that your kind words and non-judgmental lenses into analyzing my situation have given me hope. 
 

KayC, I am going to dissect the extensive advice you have provided. Although I have experienced such heartbreaking losses before my Lover, losing him seems to a new battle I am not quite equipped for. Doing things by myself will be a challenge. A lot of my close family and friends have distanced themselves from me because of my recent isolation and depression. I will continue to come back to this website as it has given me more support than I’ve received with this whole situation… Thank you! 

DWS, you’ve given me a new perspective that I am open to exploring and incorporating in my life. Reading your response has made me determine that you know exactly how my heart feels right now. It’s even racing fast as I type this. You are so right, all this love I have left to give was reserved for him.

 

I don’t know how or where to distribute it to. I’m also a mother to a 15 year old teenager, I’m 35, and my lover was 36. I may never love again. Who knows… I thought we’d grow old together. Should’ve could’ve would’ve… Don’t know how or when I’ll stop obsessing over the lack of answers and complete denial. 
 

Again, thank you both… 

 

[KayC]

I thought we would grow old together too, didn't meet until our mid 40s, he was dead 6 1/2 years later.  Not as young as yours but had he died at that age we never would have met, something incomprehensible to me.

I wrote that article after ten years of being on grief forums and reading/responding to over 20,000 posts, so it's both from my own experience and that of others, no particular order, timelines as unique to all of us, just as how we handle this is.

Depression vs symtomatic depression in grief