Alone and Waiting To Die

[MittGriz]

Have no family or friends now. Grief, guilt, regret, sadness, loneliness are my only companion. They may lessen with time, but will remain with me for life. My current pain and suffering is meaningless considering all my spouse endured for so many years. She would want me to enjoy whatever life remains for me. I have tried to be happy but is impossible without her. I should have died with her that day.  Few will be hurt by my death. My life ended when she died, so get busy dying, the journey is over.

[KayC]

You may feel this way now but it could change later on if you give it that chance...it's up to you.

[Sar123]

Have you thought of going to a grief counselor? I resisted going to one for months. It wasn’t until I had to put our dog down that I knew I needed help. I can understand why you may not want to, but my counselor helped me a lot. Seeing one remotely made it easier since I didn’t have to drive anywhere. She also asked me if I wanted to join a grief support group too which is led by a grief counselor and it’s also remote. It has helped to listen to what others are going through with their grief.

I get the alone part. It gets to me too, but you get use to it. A good friend of mine who lost her husband a few years ago told me to keep busy. This helped too. I had to get the place we have up north cleared out and put it on the market. After that was completed, I wasn’t sure what to do next. My sister got me signed up for an exercise class. I had to force myself to go and I felt better afterwards just getting out of the house after spending all weekend by myself. I’m an introvert so it’s not an easy thing to do. I also got the sweetest rescue dog. He keeps me company. Do I still have grief waves? Yes, I do, but they’re not as intense as they were a year ago. I will always miss my husband. No one can replace him, and I still feel so alone at times. My kids don’t live close by- one in another state and the other in another country. I am close to them, but it’s not the same as having them live a few minutes away. When I start blaming myself for not doing more for him so that he may have lived longer, I have to remind myself that I can’t change the outcome. If only i could… 

I hope you can find something to keep you busy. It helps to stay active even when you’re by yourself. I also hope you consider seeing a grief counselor. 

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, Sar123 said:

My sister got me signed up for an exercise class. I had to force myself to go and I felt better afterwards just getting out of the house after spending all weekend by myself.

A friend who lives across the street did something similar for me about a year after John died.  Another friend and neighbor is a yoga instructor (an excellent one), so my first friend encouraged me to go to a weekly restorative yoga class for those with injuries or chronic medical conditions like me.  I resisted.  Then one day, my friend called and said, "I will be out front at 4:50.  You will meet me and we're going to [other friend's] class tonight."  I protested that I didn't have any "yoga clothes," but she said to wear the t-shirt and joggers I wore for walking on the rare days I ventured out of the house.  I protested that I was a dancer (in my previous life) and didn't know anything about yoga, but she said it was an easy "all levels" class to physically and emotionally soothe.  I said I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of a room full of fit people in their snazzy attire.  She said, "I'm 70.  We're all...mature and none of us are in perfect shape.  No excuses.  Get your bum outside at 4:50.  If you really don't like it, at least your friends will know you tried." 

Well, it's nearly 5 years later and I'm now taking an open all levels gentle flow and an invitational small group intermediate/advanced beginner vinyasa flow each week.  Throughout these years, my/our friendships have strengthened through life's ups and downs, including one friend having suddenly lost her husband going on 2 years ago now.  Sometimes I wonder if would have ever stopped being a hermit most of the time, if I would ever have been able to step ever so slowly back into the light and out of the dark pit.  I know I will never have the wonderful life I had with John and that the happiness it's taken me years to feel will always be different, smaller.  But it is a life I can live, which I didn't think possible the first 2+ years when I kept begging John to "Come get me now.  I can't do this without you."  It took more than 4 years for me to truly feel the shift and change.  We all move at our own pace, but I think it's important to not give up.  Keep breathing, keep getting out of bed, and slowly, bit by bit, it seems almost all of us take tiny steps forward.

[Sar123]

@foreverhis Glad you had a friend that encouraged you to go and to not take no for an answer. It really does help to have someone give you that nudge or push to become more active, but if you don’t have a friend or relative around to help you out, you can become stuck.

Your comment got me to thinking about making choices. Even though there were times when I had to force myself to go to the class, it was me choosing to do so (paying for the class was also an incentive lol). I can choose to sit and do nothing or I can choose to go outside and work in the garden or call a friend. This is going to be my new thing- making choices no matter how small they are. When I get lazy and have no motivation, I’ll just ask myself- do I want to sit around and do nothing or be somewhat productive today. Life goes on …

[HisMunchkin]

I feel like I have no choice but to keep going and going and going.......  Anxiety has that effect - it lights my butt on fire.  Lol.  Some days, though, it can feel overwhelming.  I guess there's two sides to every coin.  Maybe if all the issues I have had to face so close in time to my husband's death didn't come up, I would have sunken into a deep depression.  Who knows. 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Sar123 said:

but if you don’t have a friend or relative around to help you out, you can become stuck

That's sadly true.  It doesn't help that so many people are deserted by their so called friends and even family.  For us, the circles had already gotten smaller because of the health issues John and I developed over several years.  (A nearly fatal bicycling accident for him--thank God he insisted we buy helmets!  Multiple autoimmune issues for me.)  Over those years, we lost friends who couldn't or didn't want to deal with our limitations.  We could no longer be so active or spontaneous.  But the friends we kept are still my friends today. 

I know I'm luckier than many (maybe most) in that my friend groups have expanded a bit, rather than diminished, and that John and I chose a small, older home we knew we could afford in a neighborhood full of welcoming people.  Here's one example of how much I am cared for and loved:  After dinner one night, I decided to make a pasta salad from a friend's recipe to let it fridge overnight.  I usually make the dressing first to let it blend while I cook the pasta, chop the herbs and nuts, and saute some chicken.  That night I made the dressing last, so by this time it was 9 pm.  I reached for the necessary rice vinegar only to discover that I had run out without noticing.  Rats!  At 9:15 or so, I decided to run to the store, buy it, finish everything, and still be in bed not too late.  So I zipped out and back.  When I checked my phone a few minutes later, I had this text from a dear friend (Raleigh's dad and my baking partner--as well as across the street neighbor):  "Hi.  I was out with Raleigh for her nighttime potty and noticed you went out.  That's unusual.  Are you and Cosi okay?"  I texted back with the situation and thanked him for being so concerned and caring.  I don't take my friends and family for granted and can't help but think that John is watching over me, making sure that I'm surrounded by people who care about both of us.

[widower2]

Wow, that's rare. I sometimes think that if I fell or had an accident in my house it could be days before anyone even bothered to check, and that only because I'm working and work might wonder where I'm at, not because any of them care at all. 

[WithoutHer]

27 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Wow, that's rare. I sometimes think that if I fell or had an accident in my house it could be days before anyone even bothered to check, and that only because I'm working and work might wonder where I'm at, not because any of them care at all. 

I know for a fact if something happens to me no one will know for probably weeks and that would only be because the lady who delivers my groceries might wonder why I hadn't put in an order in so long. My biggest concern about that is my critters. I've given thought to joining a senior check service for that very reason but haven't done that yet.

[widower2]

Yeah I thought about and should have done it when I still had my dog. I also thought about that "life alert" thing. 

[LMR]

When my husband died I arranged with a lady in the complex to check in with her every day. It was just a "good morning" but enough that if something happened I would be found relatively soon.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

Wow, that's rare. I sometimes think that if I fell or had an accident in my house it could be days before anyone even bothered to check, and that only because I'm working and work might wonder where I'm at, not because any of them care at all. 

It would be for me for sure, but if I die I could care less when they figure it out except for Kodie and Panther.  Panther would have to find his own way I'm afraid as he won't be caught, but I would not want Kodie left here with no food/water.  And worse, w/o his mommy.

But alas, I think my lot in life is to live into my 90s with no one who cares.

 

[HisMunchkin]

Come to think of it, I think no one would think that something happened to me for at least a week, if I'm lucky.  And I too would worry about my dog.  She also needs medication twice a day or she could go into an Addison's crisis. 

[KayC]

Maybe exchange the favor of checking in on each other with a neighbor, esp. if you have pets.  Agree not to talk a long time, just a brief check.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

These most recent posts gave me something to think about that I had not considered.  The only person I have mostly daily contact with is my sister-in-law, Veronica’s older sister.  Just a text “good morning” or “good afternoon” and maybe an update on stuff.  Veronica used to call our sons almost every day to check on them.  I think I might have to start my version of that, a daily or semi-daily check-in, at some point.  

[Sar123]

On 5/17/2024 at 5:16 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Come to think of it, I think no one would think that something happened to me for at least a week, if I'm lucky.  And I too would worry about my dog.  She also needs medication twice a day or she could go into an Addison's crisis. 

There are apps where you can check in  daily - you choose the time you want to check in and you put in emergency contacts. They will notify them if you don’t check in. Some are free too. It’s been something I have worried about mainly because of my dog so when it was brought up on here, I did a google search and sure enough there are apps. I haven’t signed up yet, but I probably will after checking with my kids first. I like this idea instead of asking one of my kids to check in on me daily. 

When was your sweet little dog diagnosed with Addison’s? Are the meds helping?

[widower2]

I like that idea, but knowing me I'd forget to check in and the next thing you know ambulances are showing up at my door and I'm OK.........

[HisMunchkin]

16 hours ago, Sar123 said:

There are apps where you can check in  daily - you choose the time you want to check in and you put in emergency contacts. They will notify them if you don’t check in. Some are free too. It’s been something I have worried about mainly because of my dog so when it was brought up on here, I did a google search and sure enough there are apps. I haven’t signed up yet, but I probably will after checking with my kids first. I like this idea instead of asking one of my kids to check in on me daily. 

When was your sweet little dog diagnosed with Addison’s? Are the meds helping?

Interesting.  I'll have to google those apps.  Thanks for letting me know!

My dog was diagnosed with Addison's about 6 years ago.  The meds are keeping her alive so they're working.  She might have hypothyroidism now, so more meds for life.

[KayC]

This morning when my laptop gave the black screen of death, my first thought was, "At least I still have Kodie."