My boyfriend died and I am overwhelmed with grief

[Andrea82]

My boyfriend died 4 days ago and I was the one who found him. He was a recovering alcoholic who relapsed a few weeks ago. He was also a type 1 brittle diabetic and I had the alerts sent to my phone as well in case his blood sugar crashed. We had a great weekend and then Sunday everything went south. He was upset for a few reasons and he drank that night. It was a rollercoaster of emotions between the two of us and I was very upset with him. The next morning I sent him a text when I figured he would be on his way to work listing all the things he said to me. He tried to call me but I couldn’t answer because I was at work and busy. He apologized all over himself in texts. I think he thought I was going to break up with him or throw him out. I asked him why he said such awful things and he said he didn’t remember and he was sorry. Then he said he got sent home from work for crying. I told him I didn’t want him to leave but I wanted to discuss it when I got home. I don’t know if he got that message. I checked my phone all day for his blood sugar and it was in the 200-250s. Then I got an alert at 3pm saying his blood sugar was critically low in the 40s. I called him at least 20 times and he didn’t answer all while I was rushing home. When I got home he was in his car with the door locked and he wasn’t breathing. I called 911 and we broke the window but it was too late. I am devastated. I can’t eat and I either sleep too much or I can’t sleep at all. My biggest issue is I keep blaming myself. Why did I have to send him the texts the next morning? Why didn’t I call him back later? Why didn’t I leave work earlier? I’m not sure the actual cause of death yet. His boss said he was having trouble doing routine things and he brought him into the office and when he started to cry they sent him home. The a/c was off in his car and it was 92° outside. I feel so lost without him and blaming myself is making it worse. I’ve been to therapy two days in a row and I still can’t stop blaming myself. My friends don’t seem to understand why I’m having these thoughts and keep trying to encourage me to eat and get out the house but I just can’t. He loved me. I’ve never had someone love me like that. He was so loving and appreciative. I’m also grieving our future. I will take any advice please. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, and yes we grieve our future as well.  It is common to feel guilt even though we aren't guilty of anything but loving them.  Feelings are just to contend with but they are not facts.

I'm glad you're in therapy!

 

Grief and the Burden of Guilt

Address Guilt When Grieving
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[HisMunchkin]

I am so sorry for your loss!  It must have been awful to find him like that.  It's going to be painful for some time.  Do keep posting here.  You are not alone. 💝

[Roxeanne]

5 hours ago, Andrea82 said:

 I keep blaming myself.

I'm so sorry Andrea!

It's awful but normal feel guilty... you have no faults...you simply can't control how the things go! I tormented myself with guilty feelings and i know it takes some times to understand that...so try to not to blame yourself too much, take good care of you! Hope you can find some comfort with us....we understand!

 

[Boggled]

Andrea82, your post made me cry.  

I am so sorry!   It's traumatic, and grief is incredible, HUGE, overwhelming, awful!!   One day at a time!   As they say, one minute, one hour, one day at a time!  Try to care for yourself as much as you can!

The day death happens seems to be a thing that grievers play over and over in our minds, and yes, guilt is something it seems like many grievers feel!  

People on here have been through it, and are still going through it, and can understand it!  It seems that most people who haven't lost someone close that they dearly loved, don't get it,  not really.

I am so sorry!  

[Andrea82]

Thank you for your kind words. Whenever I do fall asleep, I wake up and seem to have forgotten it for a split second - until I turn over and he’s not there. Then I remember that last week we were laying in bed and he asked me if I would marry him. We had a trip planned for us and his two boys and my daughter to the beach in June. He was only 40. His family and I went to see him yesterday before they cremate him. I told him I loved him and I was sorry. I don’t want to even begin to think of my life without him. He was the most beautiful and kindest person I’ve ever met. I just can’t understand why it had to be him. 

[KayC]

13 minutes ago, Andrea82 said:

I just can’t understand why it had to be him. 

The question we all ask until we realize there are no resounding answers back.  

14 minutes ago, Andrea82 said:

Whenever I do fall asleep, I wake up and seem to have forgotten it for a split second - until I turn over and he’s not there.

We all get hit with this too in the beginning until it's so engrained in us we know they are gone and not coming back, but that surreal reality takes a while to hit.  It's almost easier than getting hitting again and again afresh...

[missyw2010]

my boyfriend past Feb 26 2024. He took his life infront of me. It's so hard to deal with all these emotions 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry, it's a lot.

Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Spouse's Suicide
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

 

I wrote this ten years after my husband's death...from the thousands of folks I've heard along the way along with my own experiences.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

[Andrea82]

It’s been a week and I feel like I’m getting worse. It won’t be until June 1 for the celebration of life memorial. I think my friends can’t handle me much anymore. His older sister asked me to explain his last day again and every time I say it I feel guilt and shame. 

[KayC]

Young people run into this a lot, I was 52 when my husband died, he'd just turned 51 five days earlier.  If you have a grief support group in town, that would be helpful, you could check with hospice and see.

[Boggled]

there are so many things to say ... and so little that helps!  For me, journaling helped, reading stuff about grief online sort of helped, coming here helps the most, really.  I'm so sorry!   

On 5/10/2024 at 7:29 PM, Andrea82 said:

My friends don’t seem to understand why I’m having these thoughts and keep trying to encourage me to eat and get out the house but I just can’t. He loved me. I’ve never had someone love me like that. He was so loving and appreciative.

It's classic that other people just don't understand;  they just can't;   it's outside the bounds of what they've ever experienced.  Before it happened to me, I didn't understand either.    It is about love.    

 

[DWS]

On 5/10/2024 at 8:29 PM, Andrea82 said:

He loved me. I’ve never had someone love me like that. He was so loving and appreciative. I’m also grieving our future.

This is such a tremendous loss for you and my heart goes out to you. Everything right now is so new, unfamiliar and raw. Please try to be gentle on yourself, drink water and breathe.

I read and understand everything that you've written. With a huge love that you feel for your partner, there simply is no reason why you wouldn't be worse after a week of his absence. Unfortunately, it sounds like your friends have likely never encountered the impact of such a loss and so their perplexed behaviour is natural...although to us grievers, it can make us feel so vulnerable and unsafe. I will say that it being only one week they should be a bit more understanding but everything presents disruption into everyone's daily lives which creates frustration, exasperation and uncertainty. They just want you to go back to being you but as each hour passes, I imagine you wonder how on earth will that ever happen again. 

Warm hugs to you. You have friends here to listen to your broken heart.

[DMB]

I am sorry for your loss.  It is a traumatic and a life changing experience.  You will not be able to completely understand it, or cope at this early stage.  It's true all you need to do right now is eat and breathe!

My husband drank beer like it was nobody's business.  He was very high functioning.  Worked every day, drank at night. I loved him dearly but there were many times during our 35 years that I thought, I've had enough.  With the help of some counseling, I was able to grasp that his addiction was not my fault. I also realized I could not change the fact that he most definitely had an addiction.  He also smoked 2+ packs of cigarettes a day so it was no surprise that he died at the age of 60 of lung cancer. He was a very loving and attentive person to everyone.  I did all I could to support him as trying to fight it just made things worse.  We got along much better in the later years, and in the end when he knew he would not make it, we (me and our 2 kids), would not let him blame himself.  We told him you lived your life the way you wanted to.  

Please don't blame yourself.  It was not your fault.  Cherish the memories of the good times, and not the bad.  Sending many blessings your way.  You did a good thing.  

 

[Andrea82]

someone sent this to me today:

A good read… The many emotions of GRIEF.🖤

The many emotions of grief..

Are so vast. 
So deep. 

Sometimes overlapping. Sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes they come on so fast that you can’t even name them. 

Sadness. This is a given. Sometimes to the point of despair.  Feeling so empty because you would do anything for just another moment with them or the opportunity to say goodbye. Days when the tears keep flowing you don’t think they will ever stop. Sometimes crying so hard you feel like you slightly touch the deep emptiness within. 

Jealousy. Seeing people just go on with their mundane lives without a care in the world. And you are….just lost. It would be so nice to just switch places with them. Then there is seeing people with their loved ones. The ones you lost in your life. You ache for them back and want so badly what you can’t have.
 
Confusion. You can see life happening around you but you just can’t touch it. You forget what you were trying to do. Why you walked into that room. Lack of sleep results in slowed movements about the house. You feel like you are physically here but your mind is so far away. With loss in the forefront of your thoughts  everything else is just….irrelevant. 

Anger. This emotion swirls around often and usually ends up in a release of hot tears. Because it’s conflicting and confusing. Anger for feeling like they abandoned you. Without a chance to tell them all that you want to. Sometimes you feel angry at God. Why did it have to happen to such a wonderful person? Why did this happen? Angry because these questions go unanswered. Or about some of the unhelpful advice we get from well meaning people. 

Guilt. This is a strong emotion in grief. Guilt for trying to heal and move forward but also feeling like you are leaving them behind. Guilt for the things left unsaid or how you would want to change those last moments. Guilt for being so sad or cancelling plans when people expect you to be better by now. 

Loneliness. Wanting to be alone because you can’t possibly relate to anyone else right now. Texts go unanswered on your end. Because how do you answer the questions of “how are you doing?”when your whole life feels like it imploded? The only company you want right now is the one person you can’t have. It feels like the whole world is empty without them. 

Fear. About losing other people you love. When loss touches you like this you become aware just how fast it can happen. Fear of the silence. Fear about your future looks like without them. Fear of your vast feelings. Fear about leaving your own loved ones behind. 

Relief. This emotion usually overlays confusion. Because how on earth can you feel relief? But sometimes it unexpectedly sneaks in. Knowing your loved one no longer is struggling. No longer in pain. Safe in Heaven. Where it is always beautiful. 

Hope. That they are waiting for you up there. That one day you will see them again. That these feelings of grief will ease as time goes on and you will be able to smile after a memory instead of breaking down. That you will be proud of yourself for how much you tried and for how far you have come. Hope that you can reach out and ask for help when you need it. Hope that someday when you are stronger you might just be able to help someone else in the midst of their grief.

Author Elisabeth Kübler-Ross