It never gets easier...it just gets more familiar

[Toughdays]

Hello all.

Hugs to you. 

We lost our oldest son 13 years ago this month. He was 21. It was sudden. After raising him to always wear a helmet when skiing/snowboarding/biking/skating/etc....on May 14, 2011...he dropped his guard and fell on his skateboard without a helmet on and paid the ultimate price for his f-up. 

I have a seriously hard time now relating to others...except those who have also lost. Instantly...everything that most folks enjoy dropped into the "so trivial and shallow" category for me. Anytime you try to go a bit deeper or you make the mistake of bringing up your reality...most folks back away in fear. Do you get that as well? Few folks (likely you) know how debilitating it can be on all levels. We live the reality others do not want to see.

I thought it would get easier but it has only driven in deeper...if that is possible. I still have things that I enjoy doing but that cloud is always there. All of the changes we've made since he left have been positives but my head never strays very far from the fact that every bit of the change was born from his loss. The unbelievability of it all stymies me daily. I also lost my brother, my dad, my FIL, a nephew in a 5 year period but none of those losses has hit me/changed me/affected me like the loss of my son.

To attempt to thwart the sadness/etc...I stay as busy as possible on our 7 acres of trees/seclusion...gardening...cutting wood...doing whatever needs done/whatever I want to do. I live in a beautiful place/am very comfortable/have most of what I want/need.... but I'd give all of it up and run naked in the cold til I died to just hug him again. 

I have lots of stories/thoughts to share. You know how it is. It's all we have left of them. 

Thanks for listening. 

 

  

 

[KayC]

I've lost my parents, grandparents, two sisters, favorite cousin, a 3 year old nepew, a baby niece (not quite two, born w/o a brain), 25 dogs and cats, hardest of all my soulmate and best friend: my husband, 19 years ago Father's Day.  He'd just had his 51st bdy.  He was diabetic, and I was diagnosed a few years after his death.  We'd done everything the doctors had told us, I didn't allow sugar in the house, we ate whole grains, everything we were taught in diabetic classes, yet it took me years of getting sicker and sicker to join a diabetic group and get mine under control with diet and exercise and now I help run the group that saved my life.  I do it as  tribute to my husband, I wish I knew then what I know now, he'd likely still be alive.  I know he is proud of me.

Perhaps you could find some way to turn this into a positive in your son's honor?  Like advocating for bike helmets.  I didn't know they expired, I recently threw away my motorcycle helmet because I learned that, also children's life vests.

My heart goes out to you in your loss, we expect our children to outlive us, not the other way around.  I am so sorry you are going through this.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[Toughdays]

My son's Special Garden by the creek....  (I have better pics but the file limits here are cruel/small/preclude sharing)

 

[KayC]

Very beautiful.

[Toughdays]

I thought I'd share the story of how we relocated/found our current property and how it (and the garden) all came to be. We believe our son guided us here from beyond...and we think he may have had help...

After he past I spent about 2 years sitting in my chair and...as I called it..."walking in syrup". You likely know the gig. That "everything is 10X harder than before...IF I find the energy to do it at all" schtick. After living in the same town and raising our boys there...there wasn't a square inch of that valley that didn't have a memory attached to it. When we finally started going out and trying to resume some sort of normalcy...EVERYWHERE we went we hit triggers and were stopped in our tracks by the memories. My wife ventured out for the first time and left her wallet on top of the car. I went to the store and backed into someone. We just weren't present/were on autopilot all the time there.

So I started looking for a new place to land. We looked at quite a few places but nothing seemed to fit. The first time we started up our road we got about halfway up the road and the view widened. I had to stop the car. The mountains before us were the same peaks as our son...a glassblower.... had used to mark the glass pieces he blew to ID them as his. The same mountains I have tattooed on my leg. He created the moniker one day on a piece of plywood with a magnifying glass. He burned it right into the wood. (in pic above)

When we stepped onto this property the first time we were actually a bit scared. Trash everywhere. Old engine blocks...car parts...sheds full of crap. The house was vacant an in bad shape. My rule for finding a new place was "gotta have a creek and it can't be another "fixer upper". Well...it had the creek anyway. We walked around...no realtor...looked in the widows/etc....and basically left. It looked like too much work to me...but there was a creek and that kept coming into my head.

3 weeks went by. I decided we should do a return visit and try to look past the shortfalls. We returned with the realtor. The house was as bad as I suspected...so I tried to focus on the land/creek/etc. This had me walking up the creek a bit. I got to a spot by some oak trees where the creek came at you and then made a bend. I stood there and noted how it sounded like "stereo"...thinking "yeah...this is very nice"....and then something happened that affected me deeply...

As I stood there...I felt a warmth come over me and travel down my entire body...and then I felt like I was hugged/comforted by someone/something who was telling me "you are home"...this is where you should be". It was incredible...and it scared the F out of me. I booked down the creek to the house and told my wife what had happened. I just didn't understand it...but i knew then and there that we had found the place we should buy.

And we did. 

It still took us a few years to sell houses/quit jobs/etc/etc/etc. and unwind our "old" life...but we spent LONG weekends here in prep of the move. A year after we purchased the property we held a Land Blessing and a "Remembrance of Souls" ceremony that was guided by a friend of ours who is a Mayan Sha(wo)man. The day of the ceremony when she arrived we toured her around and then led her to the circle of oaks where we planned to place some of G's ashes.  

When we got almost to the circle of oaks she stopped and looked up the draw a bit past the oaks and said, "We are not alone here". >>>goosebumps<<<.  Then she said, "I can't connect with whomever it is but they have their arms out in welcome". I about hit the ground. I told her of my experience and she said "It's real. They are here with us".

Later that day the daughter of the previous owners arrived. We had never met them but felt that it would be nice to include them. Her parents had owned the land for 40 years and loved it/wanted to move there...but it just never happened. As we toured her/her husband around we started to walk towards the oaks and i told her "This is where wer are going to place some of his ashes". She looked at me and said, "This is a very fitting spot. We placed my mom and dad's ashes right up there...and pointed up the draw a bit".  >>>>goosebumps<<<< My wife and I believe that somehow our son...who knew of our long standing dream of a house on a creek...found Bob and Audrey in the beyond...and because, as their daughter said... B & A wanted nothing more than to find someone else who would love the place as they did...the three of them guided us here. I believe it was B & A who hugged me by the creek. It should be said that I am NOT a spiritual being...so all of this came out of nowhere/was a complete surprise. Like so much else in this experience...it changed me.

As a result of all if it...I now do not believe in "coincidence". There were just too many signs given along the way. Signs we couldn't ignore. Things like the peaks...the hug...and the lost phone messages that came in from him months after he passed. Too much to call it "coincidence". 

The garden gives me solace...but to find it I have to first trapse through the sadness I feel of having to go up there in the first place. Not right. Not fair. Not something I ever pictured would happen to us. But it did. I'm guessing you know the feeling...dammit.

Have you felt the signs/had things happen that you believe are your loved one sending messages through the cosmos? Things you cannot explain? 

I miss you is all I can say though it goes so much deeper than that.....

 

[KayC]

That is beautiful, what a wonderful story you have!