Relationships and grief

[Athenes]

My partner and I have been going through a lot of hard times. We both have a lot of really hard things happening and going on right now. It has felt like every single day for the last month one of us gets bad and hard news. 
 

last week I received news that one of the people I support as a mental health worker had killed themselves and it was the first time I’ve ever experienced a loss from this work. It was really hard and my partner was such an amazing support for the first 3 days (which I took off work to process and practice what I preach). Going back to work that last two days of that weeks was hard and exhausting and I took time for me those days.  

while also mourning this lost my great grandmothers health started rapidly declining fast and is currently on her death bed (only 2 days after my clients death)This is not the only terminally ill family member I have, my grandmother (who helped raise me) is also reaching the end from her stage 4 cancer that came back last year untreatable. 
 

My partner expressed feeling neglected since they have so much of their own stuff going on and I said no to them coming over Thursday and Friday  .  This was as I was getting ready to visit my great grandmother on her deathbed he tells me this. At first, I was short with him but then validated his feelings understanding that I know this isn’t easy for him, especially with so much that he has on his plate. He apologized and showed up to support me as I visited her for maybe the last time and he was off the whole time. 
 

clearly upset but he acknowledge that it wasn’t the time or place but it was off putting. he showed up physically, but having a partner there clearly emotionally upset with you was anything but supportive in my opinion. 
 

once we were in the car I made him talk to me and tell me what’s wrong with him. We ended up having a fight because of him feeling neglected and not taken care off.  He explained that he understood that this is a lot of grief and mourning but he’s not asking for a lot just a massage or a quicky in those times where things didn’t feel so heavy. I tried to explain that I’m doing everything I can to just survive this and it’s hard I get it but I’ve been intentional and present and supportive and giving to him before these massive bombs in my life going on. I’m only 25 I’m going through all this for the first time. 
 

Me being upset from what felt like a lack of empathy and understanding about how this is impacting me only further upset him. He feels as though even if it’s not in anyone’s control nothing works out for him when he needs the support. 

he was coming back from a hard emergency family visit where he already said that he wants nothing but to hug and cry in my arms when he sees me the day he gets back. That same day I get the news about my client. Without asking he shows up for me as a support. however now it just feels like I’m being made to feel guilty for receiving that support even tho I was clear about my inability to provide right now. 
 

he went on to tell me that it makes him feel like whenever it’s about him it’s always a problem like he’s not allowed to feel the ways he does. Which I’ve never said but how when where is important to consider. 
 

sometimes showing up physically if your not in a place to actually push things aside until it’s an appropriate time for everyone involved isn’t the best idea? 
but if I point that out it’s about how he just ruins everything. 
 

we both have our struggles i just don’t know how to feel about this situation. If I’m in the right about feeling like how he handled giving space for his feeling was unhealthy given the situation. 
 

Hope this ramble made sense. any insight would be helpful 

[KayC]

You are entitled to feel as you feel.  If he can't understand that you have a decision to make.  I'm sorry.  That's pretty crummy.