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Missing her...


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I lost my Mom just over 2 months ago. She has been diabetic for years but the last year has been not good. She also had kidney and colon cancer 5 years ago. She was having sores on her legs and waited until her regular cancer check up to ask the dr about them. He sent her to the ER, while her visit there her bloodwork came back from that morning. Her kidneys were failing. They admitted her then. First she was put on dialysis, when the swelling in her legs still wasn't coming down, they checked her heart. Turns out she had a couple silent heart attacks since her cancer surgery, 2 total blockages and multiple 70% blockages. But, she wasn't strong enough for surgery...then to find out she had a rare disease on her legs that was NOT good. Almost a month after she was admitted she passed away in dialysis. I made it up to see her each weekend as I have 3 small children (6 months, 17 months, and 5) and she was 2 hours away. My father passed away 14 years ago, very much in the same way. (also in dialysis, diabetic)

We were so close, we did everything together...she watched my kids for me, I ran errands for her, we went places together, I hung out at her house, everything. We talked or saw each other nearly everyday. I'll never forget when my sister came to my house to tell me...my husband was out of the state. It was awful! I'll never forget the funeral, I wanted to touch her so bad but I knew it wasn't going to be the same. Just before we left to go to the cemetery, I gave her hand a quick kiss. My lips burnt where I had kissed her, she was so cold. :( I'll never forget that feeling...

I can't say that I'm angry that she died. Granted, I would MUCH rather have her here with me. But, I know that the road ahead of her was a rough one. Things would not have been good, and they would have only gotten worse. I'm glad she's not in pain and I'm glad she doesn't have to go through anymore.

But, I miss her TERRIBLY!! I never would have dreamed how much I would miss her. It feels like I'll drop by her house sometime and she'll be waiting for me on the porch like always. When I walk in her house now, I almost think she'll be sitting in her chair. Daily things happen that I think, 'I need to tell Mom that', only to remember that I can't actually talk to her anymore. I HATE this! She was the one that I talked to everything about...now I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. My husband doesn't get it and he's not much of a talker. (Though I've already warned him that he's going to have to do a lot more listening!) It seems my friends don't mention her for fear of hurting my feelings, but at the same time I want to talk about her. Even though I don't want to turn into a pile of mush in front of them.

I don't remember feeling this way when my Dad passed away. Maybe I was just too young, I was only 16. I joke that I feel like a 30 year old orphan with a husband and 3 kids, how can that be possible?

She was always so understanding, gave just the right advice...she was just what I needed...and now she's gone. What will I do without her? Sometimes I feel like she's away or still in the hospital...then it all comes flooding back....

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