I'm so angry

[mariaalex]

On May 10th of last year, my mother passed away. I was seventeen and was just about to graduate and go on to college. She died of liver cirrhosis, kidney failure, and other things. She was an alcoholic for about three years so for the majority of my high school years I always took care of myself. My father lives in another country so it was only her and I living together. Even when she was in the hospital, for 3 months, I only visited her once and it was two days before she passed. The last time I visited her grave was on the day she was buried. I have so much anger built inside of me for her leaving me. I just can't forgive her for what she has put me through the past four years of my life. And it makes me so sad that she will never see me finish college, go to law school, be at my wedding, see my children, or ever be part of my life. I feel like I just keep suppressing all of these deep emotions that I do not know how to express. The only way I might express them is when I am drunk alone. I have so many great people in my life that I know are willing to do anything for me and listen but I just can't allow them to understand how I feel. Plus, it's hard to talk to anyone that has not lost a mother or father. I've went to a therapist once but I never went back. I know time might help but I feel like the way I have been grieving is not normal. I really hope one day I can forgive her but for now, I just can't. I also despise telling people my mom is dead because I hate when people feel bad for me. I have always been so strong and independent but I just really want someone to take care of me. I want someone to care if I do well on an exam, win an award, come to my shows, bring me soup and medicine when I'm sick. When I was living with her, I was taking care of her. I was calling HER phone to see where SHE was. I had so much freedom in high school and did horrible and crazy things so it would never matter if I would come home at 7am looking like a drug addict on a school night because either she was never there or she was passed out. Still, I had a 95 + average but she didn't care. She didn't care that I was the lead of two musicals and plays, 1st chair saxophone and clarinet player, had my art displayed in an art gallery, on the tennis and soccer team. No one listened to me when I told them she was sick and an alcoholic. Her friends and my family knew it, but they did not want to interfere with her life. Instead they would drink with her. I remember I would find her liquor stashes all the time and dump them out or just drink them myself. She would search for them frantically. After a while, when I looked into her eyes, she was another person. I didn't know her. She lost her self and it was impossible to find her. I gave up, her friends gave up, she gave up. I just moved into a new apartment and I don't even have any pictures of her around. I can't look at any old pictures of her because they remind me of her pre-self destruction, when she tried to be my mother. I haven't seen my real mother in five years. Alcoholism is a disease that takes full control of the victim. My mother was a stranger for three years. Now I'm just rambling but I wish she never left. I wish she knew what she has done to me. I wish I could forgive her. I wish I wasn't so numb. I wish things were normal. I wish I wasn't so angry. I wish someone could just hold me.

[Craig]

mariaalex, you express yourself so well, and from the heart, and I can feel your frustration and pain and everything else. I see my own life in so much that you say. Not all the details, but some of the tough tough things you've had to go through, that no one your age should have to deal with. I also lost my mother, at 14, to cancer, and she was also depressed and withdrawn for awhile before that, and I recently found out that she was addicted to pills, I don't know for how long. We were very close when I was younger, and I feel like she slipped away and abandoned me, but not nearly to the same extent as you do.

I had to raise myself through high school because I never got along with my father, and he was never a father, and after my mother died we both tacitly agreed to leave each other alone. I always got good grades – it was the only thing I had to hold onto, and be proud of myself for – and got myself into a good college, which I later dropped out of, but that's another story. I got a job as soon as I could, so I wouldn't have to ask my father for anything, and got myself to band concerts and weekend rehearsals (I played drums & percussion) and everything else. He didn't know or care what I was up to, and I came and went as I pleased. I didn't see him for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. That was fine with me then, but of course I wasn't fine at all. I was completely alone and depressed.

I was brought up not to expect any support, emotional or material, and I spent most of my life trying to be strong and independent and go it alone. That's all I knew. You've figured out a lot earlier than I did how much that sucks. I've had to unlearn so much throughout my life. I've gone to a lot of therapists in the past, and never felt like they helped me until now, when I've found the right one and I know how to do it.

There is no such thing as normal grieving. There's only what you're feeling. I think everything you're feeling is normal given what you've gone through, even if it's all conflicted and doesn't make sense. Your anger is completely understandable. Even feeling numb right now is normal. That's your mind taking care of you because it's too much to handle right now and you're still in transition.

Unfortunately, all that you've gone through has set you up for some tough times and a lot of things to work out. But I can see that you have it in you to work them out, even if that takes some time. And as you're finding out, no one who hasn't experienced the kind of loss that you have can really understand what you're going through, and they turn away and don't see it. I guess that's why you're here, because you know you have to look for support from people who do understand.

Craig

[BreathofAngel]

On May 10th of last year, my mother passed away. I was seventeen and was just about to graduate and go on to college. She died of liver cirrhosis, kidney failure, and other things. She was an alcoholic for about three years so for the majority of my high school years I always took care of myself. My father lives in another country so it was only her and I living together. Even when she was in the hospital, for 3 months, I only visited her once and it was two days before she passed. The last time I visited her grave was on the day she was buried. I have so much anger built inside of me for her leaving me. I just can't forgive her for what she has put me through the past four years of my life. And it makes me so sad that she will never see me finish college, go to law school, be at my wedding, see my children, or ever be part of my life.

Greetings Mariaalex, It is always most difficult experiencing a loss but especially that of a Mother. It is the Mother who gives you your life, who carries you right under her heart for nine months and who loves you as no one else possibly could. That love is genuine because you are a part of her and she of you. While anger appears to be a part of the grieving process for some people, it does have a deleterious effect upon the one who is angry or expressing the anger. Therefore, you need to be ever watchful of what it can be doing to you while in that state.

You might not be aware that those who have passed on are still very much with us! That is something that has been expressed and even experienced by many across the world. And what is difficult for those who have 'passed on', because there is truly no "death" and we must not refer to it as that, is that those who are now in the Spirit realm of existence can see, hear, and feel that anger that is being expressed. It truly saddens them to know their loved ones left behind have that disposition now that they are gone.

Another thing that happens often is that those in Spirit, if they were predisposed to give you an ADC are not able to if they sense anger around the person they wish to communicate with! They are not able to penetrate the force-field that anger creates and the loved one who is experiencing pain often finds themselves wondering why they receive no messages. That is one of the big reasons why one doesn't hear from them. So, try to let go of the anger if you can. It is also not good for your own health to become and stay angry due to this matter which you had no control over! I'm sure your Mother loved you much and still does and her illness was not something you could control. It just happened as part of the process of life. So you must not feel that you are to blame for anything. What is strongly suggested is that you start forgiving that situation that causes you the anger and embrace the fact that passing-on is a part of life. Everyone must pass on! There is no one that is immune from that be they Kings, Queens, Presidents, Movie Stars, Celebrities, Billionaires, Millionaires, or anyone else. All must return to spirit at their appointed time. Of that there is no escape. And from the moment we are born, our life span starts undergoing a process that will determine when we will return to spirit as the hourglass starts to release the time we have left or the years we have in this life. That is a given for each and every person and is why we cannot feel angry when things happen and our loved ones become ill and then pass away.

Before a person comes into this world, they make an agreement to undergo certain trials, difficulties, and tribulations in this life. This is part of their spiritual growth process. They know beforehand that they are going to become ill, or pass away by some other method. Therefore, it is in knowing that that they come into this life and experience what they must and then when it is time for them to transition back into spirit, they do. So, practice Forgiveness and let that part of your heart feel and sense the love that is still there for your Mother rather than concentrate forever on something you could not help happening and had no control over.

I feel like I just keep suppressing all of these deep emotions that I do not know how to express. The only way I might express them is when I am drunk alone.

But know that drinking is not the answer much less the solution to your problems! Look at what you have just said about your Mother and her problem and everything it caused her. Surely you do not want to follow lock-step with her and neither would she want for you to. You must find a viable solution that will make you happy as drinking is the very last thing you should be doing and not doing at all for that matter as it is bad for your health and your overall self-control plus you may not even be of age to drink legally and you must think also about that and the trouble it could get you into! What if you drove drunk and hit someone and injured them or worse. Could you live with the fact that you caused the very same grief you are now feeling for your Mom to another person? You need to stop to think about that before you even consider taking a drink ever again! And I pray you STOP immediately for your own health and the safety of others!

I have so many great people in my life that I know are willing to do anything for me and listen but I just can't allow them to understand how I feel. Plus, it's hard to talk to anyone that has not lost a mother or father. I've went to a therapist once but I never went back. I know time might help but I feel like the way I have been grieving is not normal. I really hope one day I can forgive her but for now, I just can't.

Why not? Did she not suffer enough already? Do you want to keep on hurting her even in her new life? It is painful to be separated I truly understand that. But when one cannot forgive another, know that God will not be able to forgive you either. When you forgive another, God forgives you and you feel 100% grand afterwards! But know that holding on to anger and non-forgiveness can only result in something that you should not wish upon your worst enemy.

I also despise telling people my mom is dead because I hate when people feel bad for me. I have always been so strong and independent but I just really want someone to take care of me. I want someone to care if I do well on an exam, win an award, come to my shows, bring me soup and medicine when I'm sick. When I was living with her, I was taking care of her. I was calling HER phone to see where SHE was. I had so much freedom in high school and did horrible and crazy things so it would never matter if I would come home at 7am looking like a drug addict on a school night because either she was never there or she was passed out. Still, I had a 95 + average but she didn't care. She didn't care that I was the lead of two musicals and plays, 1st chair saxophone and clarinet player, had my art displayed in an art gallery, on the tennis and soccer team. No one listened to me when I told them she was sick and an alcoholic. Her friends and my family knew it, but they did not want to interfere with her life. Instead they would drink with her. I remember I would find her liquor stashes all the time and dump them out or just drink them myself. She would search for them frantically. After a while, when I looked into her eyes, she was another person. I didn't know her. She lost her self and it was impossible to find her. I gave up, her friends gave up, she gave up. I just moved into a new apartment and I don't even have any pictures of her around. I can't look at any old pictures of her because they remind me of her pre-self destruction, when she tried to be my mother. I haven't seen my real mother in five years. Alcoholism is a disease that takes full control of the victim. My mother was a stranger for three years. Now I'm just rambling but I wish she never left. I wish she knew what she has done to me. I wish I could forgive her. I wish I wasn't so numb. I wish things were normal. I wish I wasn't so angry. I wish someone could just hold me.

Yes, dear one, I know you are hurting terribly due to this experience. But know that God is with you also because He is your Heavenly Father and your Creator! He would never leave you alone especially in this situation. You need to reach out to Him in prayer and ask Him to come into your life and heal the pain you have been experiencing. He can and He will! Know that nothing is impossible unto God! Nothing! He can truly move mountains (the largest troubles one faces in life.)

It is not good for you to continue holding on to the problems of the past. You must embrace the wonderful future that lies ahead for you! You see it all starts and ends with YOU! It is you who prefers to hold on to misery and non-forgiveness but it is also you who can move past that and become the happy person you once were and one whom your Mother would be proud for you to be again! The more you dwell on the anger that you feel concerning this matter the more you create even more energy to keep you from moving forward to be happier, with more calm, peace, and understanding in your life. But the moment you realize this is not doing you or her any good and move to actually do something about it, to change it to something that will be productive for the New You that you deserve to experience, the sooner you will gravitate towards that new you and achieve that which you inwardly feel you so rightfully deserve! And you do! No doubt about it -- You Deserve To Be HAPPY my dearest, unequivocally! So, put one foot in front of the other and move to change your life! Do not maintain the sorry past. Move on to a Bright and Energetic Future that YOU can create because you know what? You Deserve It and What's More -- You Can Do It!!

May God bless you, dearest (((((((Mariaalex))))))), in your effort to move ahead in order to bring about the changes you are seeking and so rightfully deserve in order to live happy from hereon! (((((Hugs))))) to you!

[debbie8800]

I am sorry for your loss but i have not heard from my mother either in any way and i am not angry at her. We were very close. Perhaps she is mad at me for putting her in a nursing home, but i do not believe that because if she could see the pain i am in i am sure she would try to

comfort me. It has been 6 months now since mom is gone. the guardian decided it was her time and told me to stop feeding her and 14 days later she died. She had parkinsons for years but i believe if she were with me she would still be alive because she got mrsa and pneumoia in the nursing home. So i was very angry not at her but at the system of corruption and injustice in middlesex county nj

Prayers for healing and comfort to all on here who have experienced a loss. I loved my mother more than life itself and she was a pretty good mother took care of me by herself. I hope to get to scotland to see her homeland.

Nameste ~

[mariaalex]

thank you all for your advice. It really touches me that there are people out there like you to sit down and write a response to this.

[blujonny]

Is there something specific you think of every time you get angry? I know a good substitute for a hug is a real good conversation where someone is willing to listen to what you are going through emotionally. That might give you some emotional reassurance.