Members mariaalex Posted May 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 30, 2012 On May 10th of last year, my mother passed away. I was seventeen and was just about to graduate and go on to college. She died of liver cirrhosis, kidney failure, and other things. She was an alcoholic for about three years so for the majority of my high school years I always took care of myself. My father lives in another country so it was only her and I living together. Even when she was in the hospital, for 3 months, I only visited her once and it was two days before she passed. The last time I visited her grave was on the day she was buried. I have so much anger built inside of me for her leaving me. I just can't forgive her for what she has put me through the past four years of my life. And it makes me so sad that she will never see me finish college, go to law school, be at my wedding, see my children, or ever be part of my life. I feel like I just keep suppressing all of these deep emotions that I do not know how to express. The only way I might express them is when I am drunk alone. I have so many great people in my life that I know are willing to do anything for me and listen but I just can't allow them to understand how I feel. Plus, it's hard to talk to anyone that has not lost a mother or father. I've went to a therapist once but I never went back. I know time might help but I feel like the way I have been grieving is not normal. I really hope one day I can forgive her but for now, I just can't. I also despise telling people my mom is dead because I hate when people feel bad for me. I have always been so strong and independent but I just really want someone to take care of me. I want someone to care if I do well on an exam, win an award, come to my shows, bring me soup and medicine when I'm sick. When I was living with her, I was taking care of her. I was calling HER phone to see where SHE was. I had so much freedom in high school and did horrible and crazy things so it would never matter if I would come home at 7am looking like a drug addict on a school night because either she was never there or she was passed out. Still, I had a 95 + average but she didn't care. She didn't care that I was the lead of two musicals and plays, 1st chair saxophone and clarinet player, had my art displayed in an art gallery, on the tennis and soccer team. No one listened to me when I told them she was sick and an alcoholic. Her friends and my family knew it, but they did not want to interfere with her life. Instead they would drink with her. I remember I would find her liquor stashes all the time and dump them out or just drink them myself. She would search for them frantically. After a while, when I looked into her eyes, she was another person. I didn't know her. She lost her self and it was impossible to find her. I gave up, her friends gave up, she gave up. I just moved into a new apartment and I don't even have any pictures of her around. I can't look at any old pictures of her because they remind me of her pre-self destruction, when she tried to be my mother. I haven't seen my real mother in five years. Alcoholism is a disease that takes full control of the victim. My mother was a stranger for three years. Now I'm just rambling but I wish she never left. I wish she knew what she has done to me. I wish I could forgive her. I wish I wasn't so numb. I wish things were normal. I wish I wasn't so angry. I wish someone could just hold me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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